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Original poster

Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

211 replies

MCDL · 01/12/2009 10:11

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

OP posts:
DrunkenDaisy · 01/12/2009 11:35

I think you've got to respect their wishes, sorry. (Family number 1 that is).

ginnny · 01/12/2009 11:53

Did you have an affair with him before he left his wife? This would explain the hostility, and although it shouldn't be directed at your dd I can understand why they feel this way.
I agree with Daisy - you have to respect their wishes.

Morloth · 01/12/2009 11:57

I am confused. Is he not actually divorced from his ex? Your partner obviously caused a lot of hurt when he left his family for you and while I agree that it shouldn't be directed towards your DD you can't expect people to just move on when you want them to.

Original poster
MCDL · 01/12/2009 12:18

Thank you for this ... I suppose I do expect things to be moving on in respect to acknowledgement toward or dd ...I do and will continue to respect the wishes of other two children .. Yes we had an affair before he left his wife ... Been a long tough road for all involved ...

OP posts:
TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 01/12/2009 12:29

having had a father who also left I can tell you that his fist childrne will not feel any obligation to treat his child with you as part of their family unless their relationship with their father is properly rebuilt. They are probably shocked by his affair and loyal to their mother and question whtehr they ever really knew him as it probably haddened previously occured to them that he might do such a thing.

If your chronology is right then his younger child would only have been 13 when he left which IMHO is a very difficult age for your parents marriage to break up.

IF he can re-establish some kind of relationship wiht them then they may be curious about their half-sister and want to see her. But otherwise I suspect they will just think - we didn't choose to have a half sister - nothing to do with us. And you can hardly make them!

diddl · 01/12/2009 12:32

I think you have to take it slowly.

He is only just being accepted back by his daughter.

You can´t expect yourself & daughter to be involved just yet.

And because they have been separated so long, can´t he get a divorce on those grounds?

Original poster
MCDL · 01/12/2009 12:34

He is not divorced from his wife. she refuses to move on. Spends her days, months, years harrassing and badgering us. In Ireland you cant divorce until sfter a period of been apart. She refuses to legally seperate him in the interim leaving all of his finances tied up with hers. They are both sinking fast financially. Family home, other rental property etc .. Its a mess ! His other two children have really suffered as all involved have, his family, his children, him and i, his ex wife. Things are improving though for his children and family.. Bridges mending but difficult when wife is drunk in the home everyday and refuses to move on ...

OP posts:
Chickenshavenolips · 01/12/2009 12:35

I agree with Daisy.

pippa251 · 01/12/2009 12:37

Although there are no children involved and my DP's marriage was a short one I can totally sympathise here!

Luckily the divorce is nearly finilised and we're in a good situation and the ex also happy. I can understand DP's brother (only living relative) and wife have always (quite obviously) disliked me and forgot my birthday while being close to DP's ex.

However, your DP's children are adults now and they are old enough to make their mistakes- time will be a healer. I think that they probably need space and time to accept you and your DD.

I know its tough as you may feel like your DD is being seen as illegitamate and not worthy in their eyes- I'm sure they don't mean her any harm and don't let it affect you. Give them time, don't force it and they will probably come round in their own time.

Do not let their behaviour make you feel ashamed or unworthy. Also I have lived with an alcoholic parent and its possible that his children feel like they should look after his ex Wife and don't want to upset her by having a relationship with your DD. Moreover when you are the child in the relationship you tend to idealise you parents marriage and may have been blind to any problems they had.

Don't be a door mat to them but let them know the balls in their court. IYSWIM

Santacentric · 01/12/2009 12:42

It sounds like you've been on the right track so far, encouraging your DP to keep trying with his other DCs and biding your time. You've had some wonderful advice from others, just keep on going and maybe someday the time will be right.

Sassybeast · 01/12/2009 12:42

I think that as long as you continue to blame his wife for all of the problems and issues, his family will continue to blank you and your daughter. You and your partner acknowledging at least 'some' responsibility for what has happened may mean you all taking the first steps towards sorting out the mess that you have 'ALL' made.

Original poster
MCDL · 01/12/2009 12:46

Yes his relationships with his other two children is getting back on track. I dont expect a relationsip with them but hope soon for sake of their relationship with their father our daughter gets to meet them soon.

Yes his daughter was 13 a most difficult age and to be left with an alcholic mother who continues to be an alcholic mother. His family have supported his children and live close. They are both doing well.

A divorce can happen after five years living apart. We have been talking about this but relunctant as will be more upset for his children especially now that bridges are been mended . His ex wife will agree to nothing. It would make her even more crazy than she already is ...

OP posts:
pippa251 · 01/12/2009 12:51

He needs to get a divorce and prioritise you and your DD not his wife. He can'tkeep supporting his ex if his kids don't live their- he has new priorities now.

diddl · 01/12/2009 12:59

I didn´t realise it was as long as 5yrs.
Thought it was 2 and that after that time apart, either could divorce the other, and it couldn´t be contested.

Janos · 01/12/2009 13:06

I do sympathise as it must be hard to feel that people don't accept your daughter. While I understand it must be difficult I'm sure no-one means harm to your daughter and she and you are probably a focus for their feelings.

Thinking about forgiveness and building relationships, look at it from his older children's perspective. This might sound harsh, but basically their Dad walked out on them, at a difficult time in their lives leaving them with an alcoholic mother.

That must be tremendously hurtful and very difficult to forgive. I expect they may be wondering why didn't he take us and his sisters may be thinking, how could he leave those children with her? Hurt like that takes a long time to heal.

mrsjammi · 01/12/2009 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Janos · 01/12/2009 13:11

Maybe his ex wife is 'crazy', and I certainly wouldn't underestimate how awful alcoholics are to live with but this situation isn't ALL her fault is it?

Sassybeast · 01/12/2009 13:13

Mrs Jammi 'adult chldren tend to go through a selfish phase when they are too busy to worry about anything other than their own lives' - very similar to their parents when they have affairs then ?

Janos · 01/12/2009 13:17

mrsjammi I think it's a bit much labelling the older children as selfish.

Haven't they got a right be to be upset and to their own feelings?

As you say yourself, you can't 'make' someone have a relationship with somebody if they don't want to. Trying to force the situation is likely to be counterproductive.

Original poster
MCDL · 01/12/2009 13:25

Thank you so much for all of your honest advice. I will continue as same supporting and encouraging my DP .... We are going away for Xmas to escape all.

OP posts:
BrokkenHarted · 01/12/2009 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Sassybeast · 01/12/2009 13:29

So MCDL - when you are away for Christmas escaping it all, at what point does your partner get to spend time with his older children ?

BrokkenHarted · 01/12/2009 13:29

that was nasty, asking for it to be removed, sorry OP

prettyfly1 · 01/12/2009 13:31

Hi there

Janos, its not ALL her fault - no split ever is but how long do you encourage the bitterness and vitriol to continue before you simply have to say "enough".

OP where the kids are concerned they are hurt - they were the victims of both their mothers and fathers choices, got no say in the matter and are angry about it. You are just the focus for that. Give it time. Children are notoriously loyal even to bad parents, who stay with them so you wont win any favours by critising her within earshot. Just let your husband start to work out his issues with them and hope that one day they come to you.

Original poster
MCDL · 01/12/2009 13:31

It is not I that is involving myself or my daughter. My DP can not continue to divide himself between his 3 children ... it is tearing him to pieces. Nobody asking any acceptance of me. Just at times of family gathering my DP wants to take our daughter, he wants her to be a part of his family. His mother, brother and sisters. His nieces and nephews ... My DP is a part of my family ..

OP posts:
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