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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

211 replies

MCDL · 01/12/2009 10:11

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

OP posts:

pippa251 · 03/12/2009 08:55

I'm sure if their marraige was so solid he would have never left. I think some of you ar being quite harsh.

My dad is an alcoholic and I begged my mum to leave him.

Would you all advise a female poster to stay with her alcoholic abusive husband?

For all we know his exW could have been abusive towards him. Also he could have persumed the children would leave with him. If he did not even try to get them to go with him then thats a different story.

It has also been proven that an unhappy marriage is worse for the children than a seperation.

Not all affairs or martial seperations are one sided.

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2009 09:05

I wouldn't advise anyone to stay with an alcoholic but I would be disgusted if they left their children with one whilst they started their new life.

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:08

Yes his ex w was a abusive to him and continues to be ... Now fortunately only verbally over the fone. Texts and calls. Every day. Thank you pippa251 and 2rebecca for your posts ..

OP posts:

pippa251 · 03/12/2009 09:09

If he did not at least ask them to stay with him and leave with him - I would find that very hard to forgive.

miumiu · 03/12/2009 09:11

Years ago i worked for a firm where the senior partner's wife was rumoured to be an alcoholic.
She never came to any functions or to the offices - until one christmas meal, several hundred staff, all the senior bods had invited their partners.

She came; she arrived tipsy and was arseholed before the main course; she stumbled out of her chair and came over and grabbed his secretary by her hair, dragged her onto the floor and started kicking the shit out of her, yelling 'slut' as she did so - thinking she was her dh's OW.

I have no idea whether she was shagging the boss or not, but the general consensus that evening was for the poor bloke and hoping indeed that he was getting something out of life with his secretary as his homelife must have been truly shite.....

I thought of him when I read your post. What a mess for all you. I hope your dp finds some way through it all.

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:17

He did and moved into a nice place alone so they could live with him. They didnt as could not accept he had an affair.

His wife comes at least once a week to his workplace, Also to my mother home, where afterwards she spent some time in hospital after suffering a panic attack .. She is totally out of control and drinking everyday.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 03/12/2009 09:20

I dont give a shit what or what didnt happen between the H/W/OW, although my opinion is if you are so very unhappy in a marriage you either try to fix it or you leave, you dont FUCK someone else and create heartbreak and hurt, but hey ho thats just me, not everyone has morals and empathy!

OP, this OP was about the DC if I recall, you are now even more adamant that he deserted his CHILDREN to an alcoholic abusive nasty woman, what an arsehole, a nasty prick your P is And it took years of YOUR envouragement for HIM to build bridges So he left them to this woman and then he/you expects them now they are adults to play happy families with you and your DC because YOU think they are adults and you want that for your DC, dont make me laugh

Your P doesnt deserve thoise DC he really doesnt, I was almost 16 when my mother left me with my alcoholic abusive father, trust me it wasnt a barrel of laughs, trying to protect my younger brother, get an education and maintain contact with my younger sister who she took with her!
Maybe in your eyes I was almost an adult, but to me I was a child whose mother left her, and my dad was less than supportive shall we say!

As an ADULT it has taken me a very long time to understand and forgive her, and she worked hard for that forgiveness, maybe your P should do the same!

Honestly you sicken me, you have shown absolutely no empathy whatsoever for his children

macdoodle · 03/12/2009 09:22

Get off your high horse you, god no wonder you had an affair with a married man, you cant see the world past how it affects you can you!

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:24

What could i have done for his children macdoodle. Left him ?

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2009 09:26

Yes - he should not have abandoned his children and then complicate it by having a new shiney happy family.

miumiu · 03/12/2009 09:27

You are being (understandably) harsh mcd _ but too harsh.

The easy line for the op to take would be to keep her cosy set up as far away from the wife and original family as possible to protect her dd from rejection.

She is thinking of her dp and his first family as equally important as her own by trying to support as much bridge building and contact as possible.

Not many new partners (esp post affair) can say the same;

Give her a break.

(My exh had an affair and has not seen his children - his choice, not theirs or mine - for ten years, btw).

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 03/12/2009 09:27

Have to agree with TheCrackFox.

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:28

He didnt abandon his children Crackfox. They wanted nothing to do with him. He moved out, lived alone for a time.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 03/12/2009 09:29

The thing is, you can't be the cause of the pain, and then expect to be the bandage. This is for your P to fix, OP, not you. Ultimately, if his older children don't want anything to do with your daughter, that's their decision.

macdoodle · 03/12/2009 09:30

He should have put his children first, not you and his happiness, he should have left first and taken them with him if it was indeed that bad, he should have done all this before he decided that making a lovely happy family with you was more important, he should put their feelings first always!
YOU should try and understand why they are still so hurt, why they dont want you and your DC in their lives!

I think its all a bit late for that now, perhaps a bit of understanding of their feelings might help

macdoodle · 03/12/2009 09:33

Ifeel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner.

Your OP !! Its all about you and your DD and how she is being treated, I read nothing about his older children, their feelings or their needs, just yours, your DP and daughter!

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:34

He didnt abandon his children, he put them first by moving into a home where they could live with him and visit, they didnt. Daughter 13 was in private boarding school and not living at home. She is in her last year. I have alway understood their hurt and carry huge guilt for their pain. Not so much at present as contact and time spent with them is good.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 03/12/2009 09:37

Perhaps when your daughter is older, she will forge her own relationship with her half siblings.

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:40

Macdoodle I no longer feel that it is wrong we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. My understanding of their feelings have certainly been pushed to the front since starting this thread. I had a child, during my pregnancy and since caught up in this terrible mess. She is 3.6 now, am more able to see outside of the box ... As my partner is also ...

OP posts:

Original poster

MCDL · 03/12/2009 09:42

P has tried to get out of this marriage almost since he got into it. He couldnt ..

OP posts:

loupiots · 03/12/2009 09:53

MCDL - I don't think there is much more that you or your partner can do to be honest.

You've obviously tried to hard to build bridges in the face of much provocation and difficulty. It?s hard when so much time has passed and you have a new daughter and you just understandably want a bit of bloody peace from all the drama.

Maybe it is time to step back? The ?children? are young adults now. You can?t make them accept your dd. I?m sure your partner did the best he could ? dealing with an alcoholic in the family is soul destroying and maybe he didn?t make the best choices, but that doesn?t mean that either he ? or you - should be condemned to a life of sackcloth and ashes.

Encourage him, as you have to keep the doors of communication open, but he doesn?t need to be a doormat and neither do you. If they want to miss out on knowing their sister ? that?s their decision and maybe when they are older, their feelings will change.

wukter · 03/12/2009 09:54

Your p just has to suck it up I'm afraid, and continue making it known to them that he loves them and want a relationship with them. They need a parent they can rely on if their DM has a drink problem. however it may take years to get there, but it never will if he doesn't do all the work, no matter how difficult.

Your P should be grovelling to those young people, and bending over backwards to see them for 5 mins at Christmas. Even if it's to collect them from town on Stephen's Night.
(I would be concerned for his kids and their own relationship with alcohol tbh)

WelliesAndPyjamas · 03/12/2009 09:59

MCDL - believe me, whether your P's children were 13, 18, 30, or more, it doesn't matter, it still hurts like hell when your father leaves. My father divorced my mother and remarried his new woman a few months ago and I hurt so much you wouldn't believe. I feel like he lefy us, the family unit. And I am 34 years old.

And only 8 months down the line he and his new wife are moping around all upset that they are not there at family gatherings.

I would never ever do this to my children.

Sassybeast · 03/12/2009 10:08

'He tried to get out of this marriage almost since he got into it but he couldn't'

So how come he had children with this mad raving alcoholic woman then ?

WoTmania · 03/12/2009 10:12

MCDL - Can I suggest you toodle over to Relationships? You might get more advice/support there.

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