Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

[MCDL]

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

Relationship with W is very bad, when they are home at the weekends if they come at all. They do their own thing. Spending dinner times etc in their grannies house who lives beside .. She is not as much as shopping for food for them if they come home ... any conversation with her just turns into a roaring match (as it always did for them). We are going away for Xmas as previous ones have been a nightmare and this one will be no different. Maybe a little better as we have moved out of my home to the country but could not to be honest take a chance. Our daughter is getting to the age now where tension affects her greatly .. I fear going away will knock some of these bridges built but we have a dependant to think of also ... The kids have been told .. 18 year old daughter not happy about it. got upset but communicated her feelings (which was the first time) Communication this week after been told remained open ... She does not want her father to be in a relationship with another woman ... She can not understandbly deal with it ...

Having followed this post with interest, I think the overwhelming response is that your partners older children may well need some more attention, before being able to meet with their half sister. To some extent I wouldn't worry about the rest of the extended family. But do encourage him not to give up his other kids because it is too difficult/painful.

He will never have the relationship he had with them before he left - but to be honest - even if he'd have stayed their relationship would have changed as well.

Sometimes all you can do is keep up the contact - make them know they are loved. Get him to call them both a couple of times a week religiously, even if they don't call back - just to tell them he loves them. Make sure he says incredibly kind and sweet things to them and allows them to throw some shit back at him. They may not have been able to talk to their mum - so he may have to take the pain of the split, the pain of their mum being unwell/alcoholic (which in itself is awful).

I think this will all be down to how they feel towards their father and their mother and the whole sorry mess, rather than a snub on your daughter.

Advice/support plentyfull from family and friends but sometimes not the answer. Brutal honesty most helpful ... Thank you all for your time on this ...

FWIW I think you have to just leave the ball in their court- they may need time and space.

Try to enjoy christmas with your child and try your best to support you DP. Try not to let on your dissapointment to your DC.

You can't force others to approve of you and this will probably take time and patience.

You need to protect you DC and get the seperation financial side sorted out ASAP. Also if his ExW is being threatening or harassing then don't let your guilt prevent you from protecting yourself or your DP and call the police. (this is the same advice i would give a man in your situaltion)

I do think its a tragedy that society doesn't view domestic violence the same if it is committed by a woman.

"Our daughter is getting to the age now where tension affects her greatly .. I fear going away will knock some of these bridges built but we have a dependant to think of also ... The kids have been told .. 18 year old daughter not happy about it. got upset but communicated her feelings"

Have you read this back to yourself?

You are worried about the tensions on your small daughter (understandable) but at the same time your decisions are causing much, much greater pain to the other children.

Because the youngest is 18 - does that mean she should matter less to her father now?

Did you think they would be anything other than upset?

You have both already moved away to make your life easier - now you are moving away for christmas to make your christmas easier.

What about easter - the summer holidays? Going away too? Birthdays are always a nightmare too.

Can't help agreeing with Sassybeast ('"He tried to get out of this marriage almost since he got into it but he couldn't". So how come he had children with this mad raving alcoholic woman then?') and with Chickens ('The thing is, you can't be the cause of the pain, and then expect to be the bandage. This is for your P to fix, OP, not you. Ultimately, if his older children don't want anything to do with your daughter, that's their decision.')

Obviously you are looking out for your daughter as well as your own relationship - and I wish you well in that. But is everything you hear/know about your partner's ex based only on what he has told you? If so, how objective can that be?

It has taken me 20 years to understand my parents divorce and be ok with it. My father walked out when I was 12 leaving us with an alcoholic mother who even better shacked up with a viciously abusive (to her and me) boyfriend.

I hated my father for what he did. Hated his new wife, hated the fact he doted on the step grand-children while my life was a living hell.

As an adult I totally understand why he left, my mother is a bitch to live with however he abandoned us.

I do have sympathy for you and your child and don't blame your DP for leaving but you have got to realise it will take years and I suspect your DP's children to grow up to real adulthood, for the situation to be ok.

MCDL, I haven't read the thread and don't mean to be harsh....but... you (and him) brought this on yourselves having an affair with a married man with DCs.

Perhaps if you had exercised some restraint and respect for his family at the time, by allowing him to leave them before you embarked on your affair, you might not be going through what you are now.

I have no advice/words of support/advice.

Nothing i hear and know about my p's wife is based on what he has told me. It is based on what I c and know. She is not a bad person, she is a very kind and good person actually but an alcholic. She is also becoming very unwell phsically. I worry and have worried since metting my p about her and their children. Nothing i could do, nothing i can do but we got together and were unable to stay apart. Can not turn back the clock . Her family have also in past months turned their back on her. She refuses to get help. She went into a treatment centre some years ago it did not help ...

Then those kids need their dad more than ever. Feck all kids that age are adult in anything more than chronological turns. I don't think you should go away for Xmas, it soulnds like it will be a barrell of laughs in exW's house with alcoholic mother and no extended family. They need to know their father is physically there for them, whether they go to him or not.
In what eway is it too difficult for you to stay put over Xmas? What is causing the tension your DD is picking up on?

His wife. She will not leave him alone, when she cant get at him ie when he is not at work, and can turn off his his fone. She starts on me ... He cant sometimes function as a father to our daughter or to his own two children. This will get worse over Xmas bringing more hardship on all. Especially his children ...

Have read the whole thread and the part that stood out for me was this:

"He didnt abandon his children Crackfox. They wanted nothing to do with him. He moved out, lived alone for a time" and "He didnt abandon his children, he put them first by moving into a home where they could live with him and visit.

I'm 26, when I was 11 my mother had an affair and I found out about it and told my dad. My dad moved out and my sister and I stayed with my mother. I didn't hate her because she had a an affair, even at that young age I just though, "shit happens".

When I was 12 I moved out of my mother home because I felt she put her new husband before her children. I asked to keep in contact with her but I wanted to se her alone by herself - my dad (who loved her a lot and was a wreck over the affiar) even said she could come to his home to visit me and he would go and stay at his mum during that time. My mother said no, I had to see her with her new husband. I haven't seen my mother for 14 year, she recently sent me this on facebook

You wrote a letter to me in 1999 making it quite clear that you didnt want any further cards or contact with me, so what was i to do?"

In 1999 I was 16 years old. But still my mother feels she tried everything to have a relationship with me. Do you notice a trend here?

This is a long winded way of saying face the facts; you reap what you sow. Your DP did abandon his children it doesn't matter that you or he don't think he did. In their reality he did abandon them and that is all that matters as they lived their reality not that happy picture that you both want to think happened because that's what helps to ease your conscience.

When he sent birthday cards did her write, "dear daughter I miss you more than ever I really wish you could let me into your life I know I have been a total shithead having an affair but I really love you and need you in my life. I can meet you any time any place and of course I would love to see you by myself I appreciate seeing MCDL must be hard."

Or did he write, "Dear Daughter, happy birthday love you so much, dad, MCDL and new daughter".

This is what I replied to my mother

"You sent the cards to us, in a manner which to me, felt like you were ticking a little chart, ?yes I tried everything to see my girls? ? the tone and the content never conveyed anything other than a mere formality and given the situation I do feel this was very impersonal. Can you not see how that is extremely hurtful?

I hope that it would go some way in helping your DP see that he has not tried everything to see his children; he needs to face the reality if he does want to build a relationship with them. And once he has done that maybe the older children can think about building a relationship with your daughter and lastly with you.

Sorry this is so long winded but I really wanted to get across then the older children will not feel the same as you and your DP RE he did not abandeo them.

Does she ring or call over?
What about his your/his mothers, are they nearby and could you go to them. You'd be "around" but it would be harder for exW to get to you?

Oh don't start being all caring towards his wife now for Gods sake. If you were that concerned about her you wouldn't have had an affair with her husband.
Its the affair which is the cause of the problem, you can't gloss over it.
Their marriage may have been terrible, but HE should have ended it and made sure his children were safe and well cared for BEFORE he jumped into bed with you. At least then his dc would have had some respect for you both.
Presumably when he lived on his own after the split he was still seeing you? No wonder they didn't want to live with him, they would have felt disloyal to their Mum moving in with their dad and playing happy families with you both.
As for you moving away and going away for Christmas its just making them feel more abandoned.

he has only done enough when they have both forgiven him until then he needs to keep trying even if it hurts like hell; this is his own doing.

He is trying very hard as are his children. They need him as much if not more as he needs them ...

Re phrase... they need him he needs them more.

DD not upset... she is just 3.6 but she is aware sometime of the tension that we simply cannot control ..

I feel abit sorry for the OP

OK so the start fo their relationship was dubious, but time moves on and these things do happen- espeically in countrires where divorce is amdevery hard, far ahrder to find the motivation toleave a failing marriage in those circs I think before someone else comesalong.

But I also kinda know where the children are coming from because of tha almighty mess thats been in palce since DH'saprents split 6 yeras ago. DH decided hewasn't going to choose between his parents (we didn't want to deny the boys either grandparent and we could see the marriage had been on its uppers for 25 years +, it took filmeeting someone for him to get out). BIL however will have nothing to do with FIL unless its to accept a birthday gift (he's 36). It was ahrderfor hima s he livess at home and took on the mortgage etc but it's such a shame nonetheless, and ahs affected everyone badly- becuasewespeak toFIL,MILwon't see us and only met ds4 once.Wecould only invite half thefamily to hsi baptism, DH was artfully ecludedfrom his Grandad's funeral.....

I do understand that hurt last sometime, but also I think that there is an age at adulthood where we have to realise our aprents do cock up, make big error (by not leaving before the affair- not saying you are a cockup), and accepting that is part of the aprcel of adulthood.

Andcertainly it seems ashame that they are missing a sibling and as mother you would be odd if you didnt feel protective of that. BIL only gets to see my boysat certain neutral events- yet he must miss them as he has ds4'spicture as his facebook image.

It all gets messed up when these things happen and allI can say is give it time but there are no guarantees.

Something about this does not ring true.

dittany you say face value- thats what wedo here isn't it?Weadviseon the information given,there's no way of reading anything else into it.

It is alsoperfectly possible he was trying to get out the marriage for years- FIL was, he left many times but MIl would find ways of getinmg him back (nobody forced him of course)- iirc the main split happened when dh was 14 and boil 12,mil kept bil off school until fil returnedas bil wasn't coping. DH saysitwas rubbish but mil knew full well that fdil would feel bad (fil was abandomned as a toddler) and return.

Thetruth is they should have separated yearsago- they hatedeach other and brought out the worst in each other- but they wuldn't untilkids gone. except dh stayed untiol 28,and BIlstill there. Both spent time in children's homesso I am certain that complicated it. FIL is much happier now- has a fiancee who shares his interests (MIL wouldnt have his friends in the house as one once amrked a carpet with mud), no idea about MIL since she disowned DH. But from my experience of ehr, playing the abandoned martyr is probably the ultimate part of her life.

It's not OK to cheat on a partner and you do have to take fullresponsibility forthe fall out of that but neither are relationships inherently perfect- FIL was the victim of emotional abuse for certain, and some will be worthe scaping. We understand why many women take ages to escape acontrolling relationship and the same can aplly tomen who aremade tofeel unable to go. Cetrtainly we all have a reposnsibility to move on afterwards,and harassing the OPseveral years later isn't acceptable either.

Ofcourse,the OP may well be biased and the information alcking, but thats what you get on a talkboard isn'tit? You advise on what you see.