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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

211 replies

MCDL · 01/12/2009 10:11

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

OP posts:
macdoodle · 02/12/2009 20:44

OP are we not allowed to say YES in my opinion YABU!!!
I am an XW - my XH has a DD with the OW, he had her while we were still married, and my DD1 is 5 months younger than hers!

I am extremely reasonable, my DD's have a relationship with their sister, but FUCK IT, if the tart of the OW dared to TELL me and my DD's when it was right for us to move on and be happy and welcome them, I would be mightily pissed off!!!
We get to decide what we want and when we want it!
YOU need to learn some humility and tolerance, and some empathy of what you and your P put that family and those children through (no matter how mad or drunk the mother was)!!

I am not saying that sometimes the W does make it impossible for the H, but your P left his cidlren with this supposedly lunatic woman, to set up play happy families with you, he is there for your DD but not for them, how on earth do you think that makes them feel - jeez women have some feeling for them, life doesnt revolve arounf you and your DD

daytoday · 02/12/2009 21:17

I think there is a lot of meanness on her towards the older children, from the previous marriage.

Don't underestimate how much pain the older children might still be experiencing. Time is a great healer and all that. They need to get on an even keel with their dad. He needs to invest some time with them. Maybe the rest of the family felt your DH left the kids in the lurch, with their alcoholic mother? Anyway, it does sound like there is more to this - and maybe your DH needs to spend a year of concerted effort with his older kids to rebuild their relationship.

I always think you should treat people the way you would like to be treated. God forbid if you split up - how would you like your DH to behave with your daughter?

If the kids feel better about spending time with their dad - then they will get to know your daughter.

nothingofthesort · 02/12/2009 21:30

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Original poster
MCDL · 02/12/2009 23:17

My partner is after several years of encouragement from me beginning to build bridges and be on an even keel with his children. They are adults 18 and 22. I have always respected their wishes and will continue to ...

OP posts:
macdoodle · 02/12/2009 23:23

They weren't adults when he left though were they?? And he "abandoned" them to the "crazy alcoholic XW", can you not feel any empathy or understanding for them??
And why the hell did he need your encouragement, they were children when he left, he should have made all the effort, did all the running, were you two too busy building your little family!
Poor poor children, you two sound a right pair!

macdoodle · 02/12/2009 23:26

God this makes me so angry! You know it really does!

So you found your soulmate, your P escaped from an unhappy marriage, you obviously had afew years enjoing each other, settled down, had a baby, and NOW he wants to build bridges, and you just expect that they should be happy, welcome you and your child, and move on!
Nice, selfish, self absorbed, immature, they are still his children, children he ABANDONED for you! They dont have to do anything for you or for him!

dittany · 02/12/2009 23:27

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Heated · 02/12/2009 23:38

Were you an adult at 18? I wasn't and the scars of childhood stay with you, combined with pity, love and loyalty to their abandoned mother. And if the results of that abandonment are with them everyday...?

Perhaps only when they are married with children themselves, when they find out for themselves that life is seldom black and white as when you are young, then will there be a thawing.

Original poster
MCDL · 02/12/2009 23:41

No they were not adults 13 and 16. The situation they were all living in was very bad. Too bad to discuss on this thread. He tried to stay, work things out but couldnt so he left. His wifes drinking has only escalated out of control since the birth of our daughter. I feel huge empathy toward both his children but relationships between them and their dad have started as they are older now and not as easily manipulated by w .... They are also both financially supported by their father as they always have been. Presently Private boarding school (this the last year)and College ...

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 02/12/2009 23:45

....so he just swanned off into the sunset and left his DCs with their crazy, alcoholic mother.

If my Dad had done that number on me when I was 13yrs old I would never have forgiven him.

Big, fucking deal that he has financially supported them. That is what parents do. Does he want a medal?

Quattrocento · 02/12/2009 23:51

I don't think you can expect to be treated as a full member of DH's first family tbh. Nor can your daughter. Them's the breaks.

Original poster
MCDL · 02/12/2009 23:55

No he didnt swan off. He was there. Living close and there for them. They didnt want anything to do with him especially when we moved in together and had a child together. Time has passed, bridges have started to get built, their relationship with him is better. His relationship with his family.(His kids grandmother, uncles and aunts).

OP posts:
TwoIfBySea · 02/12/2009 23:55

MCDL my ex left me for someone else and they had a baby straight away (although unlike your situation my ex does not support his dts in any way and is the one causing issues that are dragging out the divorce annoyingly.)

Whilst I could gladly call his dp many a fine sweary name as my dts are nearly 8 I have bit my tongue. There is a baby in this and this new one didn't ask for the situation or to get such a useless article of a father. Although I do still refer to the baby as a half brother (which technically I suppose he is) I do maintain that dts should be there for him. Unfortunately ex doesn't keep in contact with my dts unless I remind him, so they haven't seen their half brother in a good long while. But that is ex.

Um, what was your op? Sorry! Yes, while the situation may cause the family and children to be frosty towards you there is no excuse for them being like that towards your dd. But that is just people for you and you may have to just put up with it and try and make the situation bearable for her. Does that make any sense at all? (Its been a long evening at work!)

toddlerama · 02/12/2009 23:55

YABU to expect anything at all from his family. How dare you?

Your daughter might get the opportunity to know her sisters later when/if they want that. Stop trying to appear noble by wittering on about encouraging him to have a relationship with them. You encouraged him to abandon them in the first place.

dittany · 02/12/2009 23:58

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MCDL · 03/12/2009 00:01

Thank you for your post TwoIFBySea. This advice means a lot ...

OP posts:
macdoodle · 03/12/2009 00:02

Its funny how the OW always expects the first family to move on, be happy, leave them alone yada yada!
IMO its shows the same self centredness, and immaturity that having an affair with a married man does!
But your sens of indignity as to how these "adults" dare to treat you, your P, and your DC, it absolutely galling, you really really have no idea what it does to a child to be abandoned by a parent, because it " was too hard for them", ah your poor P, I wonder how hard it was for those children!

FWIW, apart from being an XW, who deals with a distraight child every day, because her father hates me!!
I was also an "abandoned child", my mother left my nasty abusive father, when I was 15 and my brother 13, it has taken me a very very very long time to understand why, and TBH I think in my heart I will never truly forgive her, though we do have a good relationship now!
I am 38!

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2009 00:08

Give it 10yrs and he will be describing the OP as some manipulative drunk to his new girlfriend.

macdoodle · 03/12/2009 00:10

Yes crackfox no doubt you are right

Original poster
MCDL · 03/12/2009 00:21

Yes dittany his family are catholic as am i and my family ... Our familes go back a long way. His father and mine very good friends. Both deceased now ...

OP posts:
lockets · 03/12/2009 00:23

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dittany · 03/12/2009 00:25

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marantha · 03/12/2009 08:28

Oh go away, MCDL. You took a married man from his wife- you deserve all the s**t she throws at you. I'm sorry but you do.
Anyone who has any part in the break-up of a marriage has no right to take the moral high ground on issues regarding it.
Swallow your medicine, MCDL, you can't have it all ways, luv.

marantha · 03/12/2009 08:29

She may be an alcoholic because of your "partner's" actions- considered that one have you?

2rebecca · 03/12/2009 08:50

No-one becomes an alcoholic because of something someone else does.
Alcoholics always have excuses as to why they drink and the excuses are rarely anything to do with them, and them choosing to drink rather than sort out their problems.
I think affairs are usually the result of an unhappy relationship not the cause of it.

I think you just wait the 5 years then he gets divorced and you don't force your kids on their half sibs if they don't want to see them.

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