Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

[MCDL]

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

I think though that unfortunately she isn't part of 'his' family because he chose to leave that family behind. So they are two different families and he has to get on with that because that is the situation he created for himself. Sad but true.

There is no place for DP to spend anytime over Xmas with his older children, he will not go to the family home as she will not allow. Some time could be organised in his mothers home who lives beside but that too is very difficult .. Anytime spent with them presently is out for lunch, driving to and from where they want to go. It is very difficult to rebuild relationships under these circumstances ...

I can understand how unfair it must seem to you, but from his older children's viewpoint your DD is a physical reminder of your DP leaving them. I can understand why they wouldn't want that, tbh. As tough as it is for your DP, he chose to leave his older children and have a child with you. Perhaps he has to spend some time 'tearing himself apart' until the older children come to terms with things.

Prettyfly, I cannot help but think whenever an ex is described as 'crazy'.

It's not a matter of encouraging bitterness or vitriol but understanding that there is a lot of hurt and unhappiness which you can't pretend is not there.

As you say, it's to do with the children and how they feel.

Lets not forget the man who this all seems to be about walked out on his kids leaving them with an alcoholic mother. I think they are entitled to feel about that any way they want, quite frankly.

Why can't the children come to see their father at Christmas even if it meant you making yourself scarce for a day ?

You seem to expending a lot of effort on your DPs behalf MCDL. Obviously you love him a great deal.

But you really can't change how his children or his family feel, or how his ex acts, Much as I'm sure you would, quite understandably, like to.

If they are being actively unpleasant to you that is a different matter entirely (are they?) but the best you can hope for at the moment I think is indifference and hopfully acceptance with time.

This current situation is a consequence of your DP's actions and hard as it is I think he just has to accept it and deal with the situation as it is, not how he would like it to be.

I would go away for Xmas to one of my family members if I knew they could spend some quality time together in our home. This could never be an option they would simply not be interested ...

I agree Sassybeast with that.

But his daughters are also of an age to decide, and might not be bothered about seeing him Christmas.

It´s sounds as little as if he could see his older daughters but it´s not as easy as he would like.

Afterall these years, why hasn´t proper access been agreed?

Are you Irish ?

If so you knew exactly what you were letting yourself in for, when he left.

In a country where in certain rural areas families are still classified under which side they were on in the civil war 86 years ago, this was to be expected.

No access was ever agreed as there was little contact. Only when looking for money, taxi to and from etc ... His children (daughter and son) did not want any .... He has been years trying ... Contact has now just recently been made ...

MCDL "My DP can not continue to divide himself between his 3 children ... it is tearing him to pieces."

I think it is tough luck for you DP really. How did his children feel when he left them with a "crazy alcoholic" as their sole care giver and went and started a new family?

They don't owe him anything. Any contact they choose to have with him will need to be on their terms and he can take it or leave it.

MrsJammi it's not a 'dig' at anybody.

I'm with Morloth on this. He isn't the wronged party, his children are.

The issues you mentioned that are causing a lot of problems are of his own making. It's nothing compared to what he's put his children through by choosing to have an affair.

He abandoned his children to start a new life, let them at a vulnerable age with an alcoholic mother to boot and you wonder why they feel the way they do? Really?

I understand all the hurt and pain that our affair has caused especially to his children. Although their lives at the time along with their dads life was badly affected by alcholism and a broken down marriage. I did at the time feel out of his marriage he could support and help them and himself. I was wrong. There are three children now caught in the middle of it. Wish something could be done to right the wrongs. Seems only time will fix this ..

"Some time could be organised in his mothers home who lives beside but that too is very difficult". I can only hark back again to my father leaving under similar circumstances - he too found it "difficult" and as a result our relationship has broken down irretrievably.

If your Partner wants a relationship with his children after leaving them to their fate then he must prostrate himself and do whatever is necessary to prove to them that he can be a reliable father. Anything less is not good enough - and to be honest they may kick him in the teeth a few times (as he did with them) for good measure and he needs to stick it out.

I tell you this for no reason other than I would love to spare more older children facing up (as I have had to) to the unpalatable fact that actually new family is more important to him than old. And if things get a bit tricky then he will give up.

You wouldn't presumably give up on your DD in the circumstances and he shouldn't either. Your DD has no automatic right to be recognised by anyone other than her parents - put that to one side and help him try to heal the children he has hurt. However unreasonable they are being (in your eyes).

Oh I am soooo glad that YOU understand, how very kind and forgiving of YOU!!
Bugger that, I just love the way that the OW now decides that she has what she wants, and SHE decides when its time for every one to be happy and move on!
Well you know what, tough shit, you and your DP made this crappy situation, YOU two hurt those children and yes their mother (be she crazy alcoholic or not, have no doubt, my XH describes me as crazy to his OW/GF), so THEY get to decide when THEY are ready to move on....not you!!

Isn't it funny how ex wives are always 'crazy' lunatics.
I'll bet they weren't all like that before their arsehole husbands ditched them and ran off to start a new life with someone else.
Who knows OP in future you may just become the crazy ex wife when he does the same to you.

If his wife was so bad he shouldn´t/couldn´t have left without his children.

And imo, if he wanted to see them so badly at Christmas he would find a way.

And if they are not interested, he just has to accept that.

I joined this site for advice not criticism. Thanks to much for those who gave.

This is AIBU not a support board. You might want to go over to the relationships board. Given your situation and the way you appear to feel about your ex's family I think you have been treated remarkably gently.

I simply asked was i been un reasonable expecting my dd to be acknowledged by my partners family and his children. Thank you for those who put me straight on things. Got some of the answers I needed..

Difficult as he his still married.

They perhaps also think that he might still be with his wife & children were it not for you.

Also, acknowledging your daughter would mean acknowledging you which they may not want to do.

Up to them, really.