Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

[MCDL]

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

But you can only giveadvie on what peoplesay (I deliberately didn't mention the alcoholism).

She can'tchange how her rel;ationship satrted, had she posted then i'dhave said woah- wait until he sorts himself out. I just don't get the point of haranguing for that when there are other issues to dealwith in there here and now that could be altered or at the very least adjusted to.

at the vitriol on this thread and the presumption;

She was asking for advice, not be be shaven headed and stoned naked in the streets.

We know nothing about him, nothing about their marriage, nothing about the ex wife, just what is being said by the op - she is asking for help, not eternal damnation by supposition.

How do you what has been said or not dittany?

You are assuming.

The vitriol is because of the OP complete and utter lack of regard for the hurt SHE and her P caused these children, she doesnt want help in helping them, she wants help for herself, and her child, she couldnt give a fuck about them, at least thats how her OP and every subsequent post reads to me!

I would guess thats how her P's older children read it to, so who can blame them!

There'snothing wrong with that Dittany- because that advice appertains to now.So is very very useful indeed.

Its when people say wellyou shouldn't have done X Y.... unless OP has a time machine all that will achieve is to make her feel bad, which is pointless.
Esp.as whilst it may be unlikely to happen, her main goal here is eprfectly reasonable- to allow her child to have a relationhip with her half sibs.

I avoided the alcohol A) because it had been calrified;and also becuase one person'talcoholic is another'srecereational drinker.Every time my Mumand Dad rowed she would accuse him of alcoholism and as a child I beleived her- now as an adult I know he was not in any way, he was having a normal sociallife but as Mum in Aspergic she didn't really get that or feel able to participate in that. I shuld point out there that they resolved it themselves, have been married almost 50 years and are very happy. Sometimes understanding are reached over time.

MCDL
I read your opening post early on and just winced.
Sadly I knew you were in for a hard time here, you and your DP ticked a lot boxes for strong disapproval or even hatred, people do like to project after all.

Anyway to your situation. I think you and your DP have to accept the things you cannot change. Basically your DP's grown up kids do not want to accept your DP, you or your child.
You have to leave that door open imo with no pressure or expectation.
But firstly imo you need to protect your 3yo child. Both you and your DP. Atm she does not know her older siblings. Leave it that way until one day they accept her and welcome her.
Seriously you cannot change the past but you can try to shape the future.
The child you have together needs to be protected both from her siblings rejection but also her fathers sorrow.

I speak from a stepmums perspective btw

Poor poor children from the first marriage Just thrown away like so much rubbish by their father, so easy to walk away, so easy to "protect" his new family, so easy for him

Am I projecting, hel yes I am, I have an 8 yr old amazing, wonderful, bright, beautiful, witty DD, who is in fucking counselling, because her father things its "easier" to walk away!!

Luckily she has me (not a crazy alchi though I am sure her father would like to belive so), but she has me, and I will do my damdest to make sure the damge wreaked by her father and his OW, is minimised and her heart healed, so she grows into the wonderful adult I know she can be, who can have a realtionship with her father (not that he desrves it), and her half sister as well (whi is equally blameless and I have no doubt will be damaged as well by her father), my little one, I shield as best I can!

We all do the best for OUR children, a little empathey for the hurt you caused, wouldnt hurt

One of DD's friends came round quite recently, and I drove her home. On the way back, she was telling me about her siblings. She explained that she had one sister and a half-sister and a half-brother. So far, so factual. All fine. She explained that she didn't see her half sister and brother because her father had "got rid" of his first wife and family. This said very dismissively.

Somehow I am haunted by that

A propos of nothing, I suppose.

"We were selfish, we know we hurt you, we're sorry"?

Yup and keep saying it, they may "be" adults but they are his children!
I am 38 and its only now I understand why my mother left, and if I am honest I am not sure I truly forgive her!
My brother doesnt, he has no contact with her at all!

MCDL I have a lot of sympathy for you and your dp.

I think it it very rare that anyone should stay in a miserable marriage, and I hope you and dp are very happy and are not subject to too much of the sort of vitriol shown here in your real life.

On a practical level , his two older children may need many years to come to terms with their parents' split.

They may never get over it and accept you and your daughter.

Chances are they will .
A friend of mine was in very similar circmstances to yours. Her lover left his miserable marriage and his two kids, teenagers at the time; they took about ten years to come round. They are all very happy now, including his ex wife.

There is a very real chance his wife will not be around for much longer if she keeps drinking which will be pretty dreadful for his/her kids.

I wish you lots of luck and love

"We were selfish, we know we hurt you, we're sorry"?

WHAT????!!!!

TBH MCDL, the kids could probably care less what you said, thought, did.

WE is the issue that grates against them more than anything else.

Their DAD is the one that left them, that took up with someone else, that left their mum sad and alone, that somehow caused their life to be a little poorer, things a little bit harder for everyone.

You can feel as aggrieved as you like, but your feelings in all this will never, ever factor in the mindset of his first family. You represent their Dad leaving them, leaving their mother.

This is what happens when you get involved with someone elses husband.

YOU may not have had any commitments to anyone, YOU may not have broken any promises, but YOU will always be seen as the reason Dad left them.

When someone's family is torn apart for convenient gratification, you are not going to get a Happily Ever After, Sorry, but you are not. That's the price that is paid for your greed.

Be thankful that his children even acknowledge you and indeed their Dadin any way at all. Anything more is more than you can ever aspire to. If it is granted to you, it is a gift. You can't be involved in the break up of a marriage and expect or demand to be treated with respect. It just doesn't work like that, not ever.

In short, OW know your place.

"OW know your place"
Are you living in a Dickens novel?

misogynistic claptrap

Should mr OP have stayed in his miserable marriage?

The cowards way out, stay until you find someone else to fuck/look after you/stroke your ego, then decide your marriage is so unhappy you cant possible stay!

I was pretty bloody unhappy in my mariage, I tried to find ways to make it better, then when I realised that wasnt possible I mad eplans to leave (with my DC I might add), what I DID NOT do, was fuck someone else and pretend that none of it was my fault!

Jasper, NO, he should have ended it before shagging the OP...

She should have at least held on to her knickers until it was ended.

Not really rocket science is it... just moral decency I'd have thought.

OW Know your place was meant in a bit of a tongue in cheek kind of way, but honestly why should someone involved in the affair expect to be treated as a member of the human race, when they neither of them have demonstrated the merest hint of morality or consideration to the innocent family/children left in the wake of their greed?

Misogynistic is actually fucking someone elses husband behind their back.

I think you lot are going a bit far, its not as if she can change any of this is it?

And yes the affair was wrong but I doubt the kids would ahve been happiwer with her had he left first- or if he ahd stayed, from the perspective of someone who spent thier childhood offering to sell her toys to raise money for Mum to leave 9and take her with her,of course).

Most people screw up at one point or another, and whilst it is fine for the offspring of the first relationship to be angry I do not think anyone else has just cause.

Jesus. The bitterness, hatred, vitriol and spite projected onto MCDL on this thread is quite something to behold.

I'm sorry MCDL that you are in such a difficult position at home and I hope as jasper says that you don't have to face too much of this sort of nastiness in real life.

All you can do is give it time - most people mature and grow and are able to see that there is always more than one side to a story. In time, and as your DP continues to try and build bridges, his children may come round. And you have your family to concentrate on as well. Stay strong, keep going, define your boundaries - don't let them drag you all down.

MCDL - you have my sympathy. The nasty bitchiness shown on here from people who are so wrapped up in their own issues is unbelievable and their posts are steaming with their own internal anger and nothing to do with offering objective opinions.

The circumstances of how you and you partner got together do not need to be justified to anyone on this board. You and he only have to answer to yourselves. Your lives have moved on and you have your own family now and his relationship with his children needs extra support probably for a long time to come.

His children may be full of hostility and anger and they may or may not come to terms with what has happened between their parents. However they do still have two parents if they want them and if they choose not to have their father in their lives then it is their choice and you both must move on and accept that.

I am an ex wife and a second wife. I have received similar treatment and can see this situation from all angles. If there is anything I have learned it is that no matter how hard you try to please someone it will never happen. They will spend their lives whipping you with their anger. There is nothing written anywhere that you need to spend the rest of your days being treated in this way because "it is what you deserved". What a lot of ignorant nonsense.

Support your partner, support him on pushing through the divorce then go forwards and settle down into your own family life. I am sure in time his children will come to a place where they can accept you all and start building bridges.