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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

211 replies

MCDL · 01/12/2009 10:11

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

OP posts:
whifflegarden · 04/12/2009 10:09

This thread is a bit sad, and to me an indictment of society. It makes me really question our values and moral standards as a society.

In my opinion the OP has come across as self absorbed and selfish. I hope that she will take the time to reflect and truly consider the feelings of the other DCs and family, if she wants to be in a position to properly support her DP.

Fruitysunshine · 04/12/2009 10:15

An indictment of society is this attitude of "we're hurt or offended therefore we're more important than you as human beings" and being unable to forgive people who make mistakes or behave in a way that upsets other people.

That is how wars start. It is all about human emotions where people adopt positions and fight on that basis.

This thread however is somebody's real life experience and because it is "online" does not give everyone the right to trash the OP, insult her and give her a thoroughly hard time just because people disagree. Where is the morality in THAT behaviour?

Original poster
MCDL · 04/12/2009 10:38

Yes this thread has given me time to reflect. Our moral standards and our questioning of our values discussed in depth last nite. My p and I read thru this thread together and discussed at length. It has allowed us to recognise how wrong we were. My p for having an affair and me for allowing it to happen but in our defence we met each other and could not let go.He was in a marriage he wanted out of but things could have been done differently.

The childrens feelings of been abandoned we have only realised. We had felt they were not but their feelings were that they were which is the same. We have both done much wrong and have recognised this. This is the start that he needs to mend these bridges. His children who are to be admired need him and want him. We have discussed living apart for some time untill these bridges are built and untill he is divorced. His daughter is home today and this will be discussed with her.

I have also lost a best friend over this who is friendly with his family, caught in the middle and had to walk away, we had a good conversation of my wrong doings (mainly about the hurt I have not been able to recognise that we caused to his children, not so much about affair) as she understands we love each other and the difficult marriage he was in. We are meeting over the weekend. This breakdown of our relationship has hurt me greatly.

I have cried the tears I have needed so desperatly to do but have to remain strong for my daughter and for my P ... Nothing will move forward unless I do this ...

We have also discussed that if he stayed in his marriage his children would have gone thru equal pain and would continu to do ...

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 04/12/2009 10:44

I hope you are all able to build bridges and move on with your lives on a happier path MCDL.

diddl · 04/12/2009 10:45

I think it has all perhaps been too much too soon for his children.

Not only did he leave, but almost immediately he was with someone and then there was a child.

They had no chance (imo) to get used to one situation before another was flung at them.

Not only that, they had to witness the happiness of their father and the unhappiness of their mother.

And the devastation of realising that their father could be happy without them.

daytoday · 04/12/2009 10:57

MCDL don't split from your partner over this. Do not live separately - stay together. Whilst it is heartfelt that you want to suggest this to the daughter - I think its too big a decision to give to her. I would have been very confused if my father and his OW had suggested this to me.

There is nothing they want from you - it might be better if Dad did the building bridges on his own.

There is no quick fix. Just time and love.

diddl · 04/12/2009 11:00

If you live apart then that puts you & your daughter in the same position as his wife and older children!

whifflegarden · 04/12/2009 11:05

OP, your last post seems to indicate that you are begining to understand and accept how your actions would have affected the children. If this is the case, and your DP feels the same, then I'm sure that it will translate into progress with rebuidling family relationships. You've received much good advice here.

Fruity. I don't think anyone came on here to trash the OP. Her actions and attitude resulted in some harsh feedback and judgements on her morality...it was truthful though and helped her to see the strength of feeling her DP's children might have. Of course people deserve to be forgiven, we're all human and make mistakes. But in order to be forgiven one has to show remorse and acceptance that they have done something wrong, rather than making pretty nasty comments about ExW, and pretty much discounting DCs feelings.

mrsjammi · 04/12/2009 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MCDL · 04/12/2009 11:17

The children are coming home for the weekend this evening to home with drunk mother. His family, her family, DP have talked about this. Nothing can be done ... I wish for her sake and childrens she could get some help ..

OP posts:
Original poster
MCDL · 04/12/2009 11:25

Thank u MrsJammi but support would not have allowed us to c what we have. This thread has not influenced us in any way but merely allowed us to c and opened our eyes to the hurt we have caused to his children and also to his wife. Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Am sure has opened up old wounds for some. P can continue to build bridges with my support within our family unit. Moving apart was a just a suggestion and not a good one ..

OP posts:
daytoday · 04/12/2009 11:52

Fruity

"An indictment of society is this attitude of "we're hurt or offended therefore we're more important than you as human beings" and being unable to forgive people who make mistakes or behave in a way that upsets other people"

I find this comment rather cold and a bit 'Daily Mail Moral Crisis.' How come you seem to think that being 'hurt' is akin to being 'more important'. It would never occur to me to draw those parallels. This isn't really about some 'perceived offence' but about the hurt caused by marriage breakdown.

The OP wants to rebuild bridges. There's been some anger, but also some great advice I think. If they want to build bridges then they will have to face the music so to speak.

This is not about 'forgiveness' - this whole post was really about understanding an affair from all sides. The OP wanted to know how to move forward.

diddl · 04/12/2009 12:03

Well, at 18 & 22 I should imagine they are old enough to decide for themselves and look after themselves whilst with their mother.

diddl · 04/12/2009 12:06

Off topic, but when the father left, the children were 13 & 17?

Would their wishes have been considered re visiting their father or not?

paisleyleaf · 04/12/2009 12:09

"He moved in with me into my home soon after we met"

As diddl says.....
"I think it has all perhaps been too much too soon for his children".

As difficult as it will have been for you - I think this thread has probably been really good for you.

mrsjammi · 04/12/2009 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Stigaloid · 04/12/2009 12:30

YABU to expect the daughters to want to rebuild bridges but YANBU to expect your DP's family (mother, father, sisters etc) should certainly welcome your young DC into the fold. No matter what she is still a child of your DP and their grand-daughter/niece etc. She is innocent in all this and didn't ask for the situation an for grown adults to shun her is inexcusable. As for her half siblings, that is another matter and for them to make the decision.

Original poster
MCDL · 04/12/2009 12:40

They have welcomed her but only n past 6 months. When she was born and since we were told by P's mother, sisters and brother (one other brother accepted her) that they did not want to acknowledge her untill P's children did ... This I have struggled with ... I felt it was not constuctive in doing what was best for P's children ...

OP posts:
Original poster
MCDL · 04/12/2009 12:46

Well when I say welcomed her I mean when P takes her to visit which is not often .... DD has never as much as had a card from any member of P's family. Birthdays or otherwise. ..

OP posts:
CardyMow · 04/12/2009 13:00

My XH had an affair and left me when our son was just 9 months old. It took a few years for me to come around to it all,at first I wanted to kill the pair of them, but in their defence, myXH and my relationship was NEVER going to have worked, we'd rushed into it, and OW is a much much better match for him. It helps that they (sensibly) took 3 yrs after he left me to move in together, and another 3 yrs before they had a child together (only 3 months ago), and believe it or not, Me and OW are actually close friends now(!!) to the point where when my DS1's baby brother had to go to hospital at 9 wks old, I actually babysat OW's other child and we are meeting for coffee on monday to draw up xmas lists so we don't double up on presents.....It CAN be dealt with in an amicable way IF the XH is sensible, and gives both XW and any children from first marriage time to adjust and doesn't abandon them, whilst I cannot condone my XH for having an affair whilst our son was so young, I now realise the long and short of it, and we are all determined to do the best for our kids.

Janos · 04/12/2009 13:10

God there really has been a lot of vitriol on here (it's one of 'those' subjects) and I have to say MCDL you are brave coming back to all that.

I think MCDL while you might be understandably upset that you feel your daughter is ignored there isn't much you can do about it. No need for me to expound on reasons why cause they've been gone into at quite some length above.

It may be helpful ehen dealing with this to think that we can't make people 'be' how we would like them to, we have to deal with how they actually are. And right now perhaps the older DC don't want a relationship with you and your DD. That is not necessarily a reflection on you or more importatntly your DD but it's how they feel and that's what you have to deal with. They may soften in time but you don't know and you can't 'force' them to accept you.

dittany · 04/12/2009 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 04/12/2009 17:27

swedington - perhaps I am projecting too much of my own situation here though frankly I doubt the OP's partner is at the foothills of how badly my father behaved but I know (becuase its repeated back to me) that my father thinks he has made a real effort and poor little him is so badly treated so I am inclined to be a little cynical when only hearing one side of the story.

Over the past 10-15 years:

He didn't actually tell us where he was for the first two years.

I have have a cancer scare and when my Dad was told that if he called back the next day she would tell him the biopsy results, he didn't bother.

He told my Aunt whilst I was in the midst of undergoing fertility treatment that he was either going to leave his money to his grandchildren or the Salvation army.

I send him a card telling him I was travelling to adopt DS. Never heard a dicky bird in reply.

He recently decided he wanted to see me and DS (now 4 who he's never met) and I no longer trust him. DS is going through a man-obsessed phase and I just don't trust him to meet once get DS all excited about having a grandad then disappearing again when he gets a new girlfriend.

I relented though and said the only thing I expected was for him to make the effort to arrange the meeting, sort out a time and place and we would agree to turn up. That was 6 months ago and haven't heard from him since . Apparently he has a new girlfriend

I might agree that with adult relationships he doesn't need to prostrate himself in order for me to give him a 15th chance if only he wasn't whining to his family about how much he wants a relationship with us. Bloody annoying.

TBH if I had hurt a friend half as much as he has hurt us, I would be bloody begging for forgiveness if I truly wanted a relationship in the future. The truth is that he obviously doesn't - we are messy and inconvenient and we know how badly he behaved. Much better for his ego to deal with new people who know all the messy ins and outs.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 04/12/2009 17:30

Oh and I would love to have got close enough to kick sand in his face but difficult to do over the phone and thats the closest I've got to him in 15 years (not my choice, at least for the first 10 years).

Swedington · 04/12/2009 19:36

Kew - I think we are all projecting. Your story is v sad - he does sound a bit of a shit. But presumably he has qualities too or otherwise you wouldn't be laying yourself bare and being continually disappointed? You need to face facts - I'm sure you already have deep down. He has been a shit father. He continues to be a shit father. He will always be a shit father. He is a shit grandfather. He will continue to be shit grandfather. He likes to prop himself up with girlfriends. Sooo. You stop feeling repsonsible for the fact that he can't love anyone v much and v long and you treat him like the silly old selfish flawed fool he is. I think you should start by calling him and referring to him by his christian name. This will also remove any sort of expectatioin for your son. He can't be your dad, he can only be your flawed biological father. Write to him as Dear Trevor and tell him you are done with looking for your dad but your door is always open to Trevor (and whatever girlfriend he has in tow at the time) and you hope he will pop in sometimes and share a pot of tea/bottle of wine. And always invite him to family gatherings, he won't come probably because he's too much of a coward. Don't take this on as your responsibility. Be kind and not angry. And definitely be kind to yourself - I would imagine such a father could make a woman feel v v stuck. And I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh yesterday.