Trouble with ex wife and partners family.

[MCDL]

Hi, new this site.
I am with my partner 5 years, we have a 3.6 year old daughter and living together. My partner left his wife and family home soon after we met when it was apparant that both of us wanted to be together. We come from a same small town and have known each other since we were kids. He is 48, i am 39. He moved in with me into my home soon after we met. He has two other children 18 and 22.

Presently we have moved out of my home to the country to get away from the stuff that continues. His family and his children for years have dis owned both him and our daughter. Over past year or since moving out of town 6 months ago, things have improved he visits his brothers and his mother from time to time with our daughter. His children who are both away now continu to want to have nothing to do with our daughter. Also his two sisters continue the same. His ex wife who is an alcholic continues to badger us both. Texts and fone calls, she is unable to let go and move on.

A legal seperation had started but a stop has been put on this as solicitors looking for large amounts of money to continue. Barristers etc. His ex wife refuses to give him a legal separation. He simply cant afford it. We are both working, I am part time and just getting by.

This weekend there was a family get together my parter was invited and asked his children would it be ok to take our daughter. His eldest daughter does not want to see her. I encouraged him to go after a lot difficult thoughts on it, he had a nice day with his family and children who he had been estranged from him for some time now, so I was happy with that.

For the next time there is a family gathering have you any suggestions as to what we could do. I feel it is wrong that we live together as a family and our daughter is treated in this manner. This mess is 5 years plus, improving slightly but still on going...

Sorry so long.. Any suggestions ...

patronising much??

macdoodle - I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. I'm sorry to hear your 8 year old DD is in counselling. And I'm sorry to hear you have never forgiven your mother for leaving you. You sound very angry. Justifiably so probably. I am sorry if you think I'm patronising.

I have actually been through a marriage break-up. It wasn't my finest hour but I did manage always to separate my own shit from my children's relationship with their father. I never stopped being their mother and understanding that my ex husband was still their father.

It really doesn't help a child, calling the husband the arsehole of an ex or a lying scumbag or useless or whatever. It makes his children feel a deep seated sense of insecurity, that they are also unlovable, selfish and bad. Because that parent is half of who they are. And it makes it so much harder for all parties concerned to pick up the pieces and start again.

This isn't confined to separating/divorcing couples. Married people often play out their ugly conflicts in public and in front of their children. Even a simmering lack of respect for each other can lead a child to question their true value to the point where they lose all confidence. It's a horrible thing to do. And we are very prone to it as a nation.

Jeez swedington you really are patronising high and might arent you, I have no desire to aspire to your high heights

FWIW I have never ever slagged my XH off to his daughter, never not for a minute, he did that all by himself unfortunately!

Getting arrested after attacking me in my home in front of her while she hid under the table, not picking her up on numerous occasions "to punish me", yes seeing me struggle to do my best despite being left with no money or support, not spending a single minute alone with him because he's always too busy with the OW and their baby, cancelling her once a month sleep over with him because he was too drunk to drive!!
Oh yes he did it all by himself, does it make me happy, no it breaks my heart, it makes me feel guilty as sin because I managed to choose such a selish twat for a father!!

Am I angry hell yes, I wish he would actually bugger off rather than make these half arsed efforts, so she keeps on loving him but being disappointed and let down ate very turn!!

I was an abandoned child, I love my mother very much, she is coming to stay for 2 weeks over xmas, we will have a lovely time but I will be pleased when she goes like many mothers and daughters, I have even made my peace with my abusive father!

I do the very best for my children every fucking day without the help of their father, but I never tell them what he is, unfortunately they cans ee that for themselves!

The OP struck a chord, because she was so self absorbed in herself, she couldnt see past herself, to those children, she posted in AIBU and got an honest answer, and actually maybe has realised a few home truths!

Don you dare patronise me or even dream to know how I parent my children

This thread has certainly struck a cord with me and opened my eyes, thank you again for all who offered their experiences and thoughts.

Macdoodle, it certainly has poured much salt in your wounds ..

MCDL it has poured salt in a lot of peoples wounds - hence the reaction you got on here.
I'm glad you have had your eyes opened though and hope you end up with a happy outcome.
Swedlington - I hope you have a good view up there from your ivory tower . I'm sure you don't mean to but you do come across as a patronising and a bit preachy.
Just because we slag off our exes on here doesn't mean we do so in front of our dc you know, and I think the fact that we can vent on here actually means we can be calmer in our day to day lives as we have an outlet for all the pent up frustration and anger.

oh no swedington he wasn't always a shit father - seemed perfectly normal until he left my mum. We were all rather taken by surprise that he appeared to divorce all of us.

Calling him by his first name is pointless. I have email or phone contact with him about once a year so calling him anything at all is rather besides the point.

Sadly I've seen the situation replicated too many times to think he is exceptional (though I do beleive that he is an exceptional arse), I don;t think its exceptional at all that a sizeable proportion of men don't put much effort into their first children when newer and less judgemental (due to their age) childrne are around.

They think that maybe seeing their childrne for a couple of hours a week is making an effort when their ex has them 24/7 the rest of the time. Of course there are men who don;t so this but I know of many who do.

I know of only one instance where a wife/mother has done something similar.

MCDL
I would strongly advise you against taking drastic decisions about your family's life based on the postings on this thread.
Please take a step back.
I would advise you to take advice from people in your position ie other step parents. In such a place you would get more balance advice.
Try this step mothers forum.
Please give that forum a try.

Thank u ElenorRigby. No drastic desisions made. Advise brutal honesty listened to and taken on board. Children from P's marriage now his priority. AIBU for expecting them to accept DD. Yes I am ...

Gosh I really feel for you on here MCDL

So much projection going on with posters who just see you were the OW and see red, so much hate. Life is not so black and white!

You sound like you are coming to terms with all that's happened and that is a good thing, please enjoy your life, enjoy your child and realise sometimes you just can't be solely responsible for making things better for unhappy people in a sad situation as this. You knew it wasn't going to be a bed of roses surely?

good luck x

Hello to all who helped and advised on this thread. Again thank you all ...

Things have much improved since we both especially DP read this thread and toke on board all others experiences and thoughts. Also most importantly the hurt and pain caused to children of first marriages, the feeling of been abandoned and left by their father. Huge steps have been made to address this.

Father and children of 1st marriage doing very well, seeing each other many times per week. Talking, communicating, forgiving and rebuilding relationships together.

wow this thread has kept me going all lunchtime

MCDL fair play to you for taking on board what was said, I think altough people have been harsh its helped you understand how things have been for his kids...and thats no bad thing. And frankly it might take years, even decades until they accept your DD. make sure she has enough in her life that this wont show up as a missing for her

But I agree with another poster who said to not allow yourself to be dicatated to be complete strangers on the internet.

good luck , and I really hope that you and DP make a happy family for your DD