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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

239 replies

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:37

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

OP posts:

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 22:41

This type of thread crops up so often on MN.
It's annoying if you have children that they are excluded, but at the end of the day it's not your wedding so you have to understand the bride's wishes, even if you don't think it's fair. YANBU to be annoyed when initially children were invited - bit off of her to decide against children when she originally included them.
If your dp misses out due to a lack of babysitter, then it's not unreasonable of you to feel hurt and annoyed by it privately, but at the end of the day it's your friend's wedding and if she is sure about not wanting children there, you might just have to swallow your feelins in order to support her on her big day.
Up to you how important your friendship is in this case, I think.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 22/11/2009 22:42

YABU the children are 3 and 4 they are most likely to "make themselves known" at a grown ups function. You have two choices get someone to look after your children, a nanny/babysitter, ask family to come down and help, or get dp to look after his children OR pull out of the wedding. I don't think she has to accomodate your children at all.

Heated · 22/11/2009 22:46

YABU. It's her day and it's child free. A pita for you but increasingly common. 10am start not unusual given all that needs to be done beforehand. Go home after the first couple of dances and all your official duties are over. Be gracious and just know it isn't how you'd do things.

AvrilH · 22/11/2009 22:46

YABU, her wedding, her party, she gets to decide

as the previous poster pointed out, you don't have to go

PurlyQueen · 22/11/2009 22:46

You agreed to be a bridesmaid - you can't pull out now.
Get your DP to look after the children on the day.

choosyfloosy · 22/11/2009 22:47

Well that serves me right - I came on this thread all ready to say YABU. But YANBU at all for being royall p'd off - though I think if you can manage to make it work, it would be nice to do so.

The sudden change on children is very unreasonable (does she have kids herself? I'm assuming not?) The 10am start is not unreasonable. Why do you need a babysitter for 48 hours?

TBH I think I would do the pre-ceremony bit alone, have DP and the children come to the ceremony if she will allow this (if it's a church I think she can't legally exclude anyone) and then not go to the reception but head off with my family and have a good time elsewhere. Obviously I would talk to her about this. She is going to be hurt - I have never quite forgotten a very dear friend not making it to my wedding even though I arranged the date round her. But you have to be reasonable to your own family. Hope you can work it out.

alicet · 22/11/2009 22:47

Agree 100% with displayuntilbestbefore and lifeinagoldfishbowl.

YABU - her wedding = her choice I am afriad.

sootysox · 22/11/2009 22:47

Yep, YABU. It is her wedding and it is her choice as to who she wants to invite. I agree with Liagfb.

Imho, children can be a bloody nuisance at that type of funtion anyway.

Spidermama · 22/11/2009 22:48

Ahhhhh this is one of those utterly polarised perennial debates on MN so I reckon I'll grab a .

sootysox · 22/11/2009 22:48

function even

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 22:49

I'm not sure you could miss the reception if you're a bridesmaid, but if you didn't want to travel on your own, your dp and dcs could maybe come along too, do something fun for the day and then you could meet them afterwards, have a nice tea somewhere before heading home?
If it was my dh, he'd be glad of a reason to stay home with the dcs instead of going to a wedding!

LetThereBeRock · 22/11/2009 22:49

I do think she's being rather unreasonable for allowing children then deciding that they aren't allowed. She should have considered numbers before inviting them.

However I don't think that she's being unreasonable in wanting a child free wedding.

Original poster

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:49

I wish we could afford a nanny / babysitter, but as I mentioned DP has just been made redundant, so we have no money. The only option would be for me to go on my own, which DP is not happy about (as he was invited in the first place)

OP posts:

InMyLittleHead · 22/11/2009 22:50

YABU. It's one day, and most men hate weddings anyway. Your DP might be relieved to stay at home and chill

Vallhala · 22/11/2009 22:50

Normally I'd say its her wedding and her choice but as she initially invited the family I think its a bit unkind, if not rude, of her to withdraw the invitation now, especially as she is your closest friend and must surely know the situation you're in regarding childcare.

It really comes down to how much you want to be there. However as she's such a close friend can you not explain to her that you and DP both really want to attend and remind her that childcare is not an option, asking her if she would consider making an exception to her rule in your case? Of course if you do, you must be prepared for the fact that she might say no and be willing to accept it.

I wouldn't want children at my wedding tbh but I would be only too happy to make an exception if it meant that I had the company of my best friend and (in my case his) partner.

I hope you can come to an agreement without falling out.

alicet · 22/11/2009 22:50

And I disagree with choosyfloosy that this 'sudden change on children is very unreasonable'

ffs she initially said they were invited (may have initially been her wish to include children) but only 2 weeks later (and in the context of wedding planning this is no time at all) has realised that either her dh to be doesn't want children and has agreed to side with him (reasonable) or that the venue can't accomodate everyone she wants and she would have to exclude family / close friends in order to include children (reasonable) or anyone of another hundred reasons

onadietcokebreak · 22/11/2009 22:50

YANBU to be upset at the sudden change of plan regarding children and the predictament it no leaves you in.

wannaBe · 22/11/2009 22:50

perhaps she has had to change her mind re children because of cost?

My cousin was having a wedding in a hotel that charged more per head if children were present so they actually changed the venue, but I can see that some people would just say no children then.

Yabu though, it's her wedding, her choice.

TotalChaos · 22/11/2009 22:51

yanbu. if you withdraw the bridesmaid services that is likely to cause huge problems with your friendship. so it's a tough one.

Littlefish · 22/11/2009 22:52

How long ago was the original invitation?

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 22:56

If it is as you say and your only option is to go alone, then that's what you must do - but make sure you don't do it with any resentment.
If your friend had initially invited children and then had to rethink due to numbers and cost, she may well be painfully aware that it's going to be hard for you and your dp will have to miss out.
Take it on the chin, be the most supportive bridesmaid you can, enjoy some time without having to do mum-duty and focus the energy on celebrating with your friend.

inveteratenamechanger · 22/11/2009 22:57

YABU - yes, she was rude to uninvite the children, but it was only 2 weeks after the original invite.

Understandably you've put all this to the back of your mind until now, but that's not her fault and I can understand why she would be rather cheesed off to find that her bridesmaid hadn't made arrangements.

If she is your oldest, dearest friend, then you can't possibly pull out two months before the wedding. Just get your DP to look after them.

thelunar66 · 22/11/2009 22:57

I think the fact your Dp has been made redundant needs to be taken into consideration.

As someone who's DH has been made redundant 4 times, I can understand totally how this would take over your life and weddings seem like mere frippery.

YANBU (in my book)

carrieboo75 · 22/11/2009 22:58

I hate it that more and more weddings are being made no children/grown up functions, getting married is a family event and family includes children! We got so fed up with it we decided to decline any no children weddings but then every wedding since has been no children so we gave up fighting. Our worst experience was last weekend SIL's wedding - our three boys where page boys but she refused to allow us to bring our foster daughter, under the no children except family rule! It's a sad world we live in now, but when a bride becomes a bridzilla there is nothing you can do. Go along smile sweetly and leave as soon as you can, it's just one day don't wreck your friendship.

RockBird · 22/11/2009 22:58

Cost is such a feeble excuse. If it were a matter of cost then she should allow the 3 and 4 year olds so sit in a corner during the meal with a sandwich from home, or on the OP's lap and have a few things from her plate. The real reason can only be this strange phenomenon we have in this country where children are all well and good as long as they are seen and not heard.

Yes it's her wedding and she gets to choose, of course. But as she is a such a close friend and she knows you are not really in a great position to pull out then I would be very pissed off.

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