to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

[annoyingdevil]

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

I'm sure they would have friends in common, in which case she'll be asked all day where her OH is? Grrreat! Still, at least it'll make bridezilla look bad.

Good luck with the decision OP, I hate it when things get sticky like this with friends. I really think if/when she has her own kids you might get an apology! Make her grovel then..

Hokay. Well, I'm hopping off the merry go round now, nowt new being said, it's just a Team Bride or Team OP from here on.

Lotster

There are so many parts of your post that I disagree with...

"fly solo" - why is this a problem? Is OP unable to cope on her own for one day? The day'll be busy enough anyway, I would imagine. And there'll be plenty of people there that the OP knows, if she's been friends with the bride for a long time.

"swan around greeting everyone??" - enjoys her wedding day?

"who is supposed to love her, would actually want her to be a happy bridesmaid" - shouldn't OP want her friend to be a happy bride? And whose happiness is more important here? I'd say the bride's, by a long shot!

"would want to see her best friend's partner, and perhaps even her children" - why?! The OP is her friend, not her family!

"If my best friend ahd so little support that she couldn't get her kids looked after," - but she can! She has her partner!

"She could make OP's daughter a flower girl" - seriously?! Why?! For all you know, she doesn't even know the kid!

"best friends to me, are not "accessories" on your wedding day" - no, but they're friends, there to support with you and share your happiness and excitement, not to make things unnecessarily difficult!

"what a twat she was being" - still fail to see how this is the case! She wanted her wedding to come in on budget! That's not a crime!

"the bride might not be as good a friend as OP thinks." - vice versa! If I were the bride, I wouldn't want the OP at my wedding at all, let alone in the capacity of bridesmaid!

Cat64 - well said.

Lotster - what's wrong with saying "he's at home with the children?!

yes agree again whiteroses and cat64. I get the impression that by the pure mention of the the word 'bride' some people assume that you are talking about some complete cow and that it gives you a right to take potshots at the girl getting married and call her a bridezilla...lots of meanness going on!!!!

Of course a 'dearest, closest friend' should want to see the OP's partner and children. Is it really normal for people who are close friends to have no interest at all in these very significant people in each others lives? Why does getting married give anyone the right to ignore the feelings/problems of their close friends? I don't understand this selfish attitude.

Of course a 'dearest, closest friend' should want to see the OP's partner and children. Is it really normal for people who are close friends to have no interest at all in these very significant people in each others lives? Why does getting married give anyone the right to ignore the feelings/problems of their close friends? I don't understand this selfish attitude.

Sil got married summer 2007 & we were invited to take dc (then 3 &18 mths) to the whole thing, the reception in a marquee in pil garden, with us staying in cabin at bottom of garden.

Dh & I were chatting about recently and our conclusion was the whole thing was for us awful.

Mil grabbed the pretty (blond ringlets) dd1 and kept her all afternoon in the formal line up, meeting so many people that the poor thing looked utterly shell shocked. She did n't get enough to eat & drink at the right times (lets face it it's tough on the grownups travelling/skipping lunch/ long wait to meal due to photos) and every time we rescued her she was whisked away again.
I don't want to drink around small children and I did n't like my dcs seeing the inevitable few who took advantage of the free bar. The music was loud, children coluld n't sleep,drunk guests barged in whilst dp & i sat shifts baby sitting.

It's nice they're in the photos but it was a noisy, boring, scarey day and we really should have protected them and not taken them.

3 months later we went to a wonderful greek wedding in greece,completely different timetable, traditions etc & really great children friendly experience. very relaxed, everyone just dipped in and out, lovely.

Maybe this is 'bridezilla-ish', but personally I would prefer my BM to be there to actually do the things you need a BM for...and that does not include looking after their kids! As someone else has pointed out, I am highly delighted to get invitations to anything that is child free - so I can go and be an adult and enjoy celebrating something properly instead of worrying about eating/sleeping times; entertainment during boring (for kids) bit; proximity to danger/expensive breakage opportunities. We went to a wedding earlier this year - and watched in pity as another couple with a DS the same age as ours spent the entire time chasing him/keeping him quiet/not being able to chat or have a drink - and then going to bed early: not my idea of a great wedding. Weddings are about the bride and groom - like it or not, they generally have to spend a lot of money to have what they want & it's up to them. Nobody should have to ''accommodate'' anyone else that they don't want to! (And I speak as someone who refused to ask her sister to be a BM...so I have faced the wrath of the 'but it's tradition/what I want/what makes mum happy etc etc etc' approach to wedding planning)

OP has a choice: go alone & get DP to grow up and look after the kids - or tell her friend she is not going to be able to go. At this late stage of the proceedings, any reason for pulling out is going to look like a lame excuse.

And one last point - how could a dress have been picked out for her DD within 2 weeks of the words being out of the bride's mouth?!

Bit rude not to come back and answer questions, OP. The timeframe here is important.

Clearly, there are always going to be two POV here, those who say the OP should suck it up, leave DH and kids at home and go and do her 'duty' by her friend, and those who say that the friend IBU and should either accomodate OPs family or accept that Op isn't going to be a BM. I accept that it seems quite fashionable these days, not to include children in wedding invitations, though, personally I don't understand it, certainly where family and close friends are concerned. I don't think OPs DH is being at all unreasonable to be upset about being uninvited. And why should OP give up time and money to attend a wedding where most of their other friends are going to be in couples.Nothing like being the bridesmaid without someone to dance with at the more formal point of the proceedings!

In this case, the OP reasonably understood that her DH and DCs were included. Then they were uninvited. That is rude. She too, has had a lot on her plate, like trying to sort out where the money to pay for her family's food etc is coming from after DH's redundancy. And to her, that is always going to be infinitely more important than sorting out arrangements for her friends wedding. In my world, a close friend is one who accepts that there are certain things that involve me and my family. I would say this is one of them. If the friend is that close, presumably she knows DH and Dcs quite well. So it's not like they are strangers. And actually, even if they were, I still think it rude to uninvite people after you have invited them, however quickly you change your mind!

The bride is not much of a friend to be making quite high demands on her friend and her friends family, without considreing her feelings at all. I am afraid if she insisted on leaving my DH and Dcs at home, I would be telling her where to stuff bridesmaid dress!

and, to back up DandyLioness' post - the original invitation that included children was verbal and only 2 weeks later a revised invitation was sent out, so it wasn't as if the OP thought everyone was invited for ages and then the bride suddenly changed things.
I don't think the bride is making high demands on the OP's family - OP is bridesmaid, dp can go if they get a babysitter, if they can't then dp will just have to stay home. This sort of thing happens all the time when you have kids!

Whether people understand the bride and groom's decision not to invite children is wholly irrelevant.

OP was invited, plus one, months ago. She should have politely declined then or should go (with or without DP but without children) and be a great bridesmaid. She has been disorganised and should not be blaming her oldest, dearest friend for that.

I think the bride in question is being a tad unreasonable actually. If she had wanted a bridesmaid who was going to be able to devote her entire day to the bride, then she shouldn't have picked one who has small children in the first place. But since she did, she should have made it clear from the outset that the DC wouldn't be included, giving the OP the choice whether or not to accept the role.

Now the OP is hanged whichever way she jumps - and it's not fair on her that she has been put in that situation by the thoughtlessness of the bride.

Do what you want at your own wedding.
That applies to all

That is ridiculous thumbwitch. My sister made me maid of honour even though I have 2 young dcs. Because, wait for it, I have a DP who could look after them. You don't need 2 parents to look after the DCs all the time, otherwise how on earth would SAHMs cope!!
And god forbid anyone would choose a single mum as a bridesmaid.

"Because, wait for it, I have a DP who could look after them."

CLASSIC MN

OK Greensleeves, I know not everyone has a DP - is that what you mean by a 'classic MN'?
But in this case, the OP has, so what is wrong with pointing out that Dps are just as capable of looking after children?

Are you sure you're not just feeling rather stressed about your husband's redundancy and projecting the stress onto this wedding situation?

This is clearly a very good friend if you're bridesmaid, surely you want her to have a great day. Try looking on the bright side - leave kids with your husband and go and have a blast, here's a great excuse to have 48 hours away with girly chums.

I think your DH is BU.

I've loved weddings that we've been to with our children, but equally an adult only event where you get to see old friends drink and socialiose without doing childcare is great too, and the bride and groom get to choose which kind of wedding they want.

Why can't your Dh just let you go and have a great day supporting your oldest friend.

I did this when Ds1 was a baby, it was no children, and in Ireland, we didn't want to leave DS for 2 nights so I went and Ds stayed at home with his father. I had a great time, saw all old friends and loved coming home to DH and DS. Dh does know my friends and would have enjoyed it, but it was my frinds wedding so if only one of us could go it would be me.

Don't see the problem really.

(oh and the friend was actually an old boyfriend!)

Irrated I think your 'wait for it, I have a DP' comment is spot on actaully.

Wouls the OP equally never allow her h to go to an event without her?

Phew Baroness!
I was racking my brain to think how that was classic, apart from the fact that not everyone has a 2 parent family.
All I was trying to say is that if there are 2 people able to look after children, why do they both NEED to be there.

There are lots of events DP goes to that would be a nightmare with the DCs, so we tend to work out who would be best to go, and then the other one has a 'day off' next time. Easy.
There is no way I would make my DP feel bad about going to a wedding that would be tricky to go to. And I would never have imposed my dcs on anyone who didn't truly want them there.
For a start, it is exactly when you know they aren't exactly wanted that they decide to be on their worst behaviour.

YABU for all the good reasons pointed out already on this thread.

I hate the term Bridezilla!

It's a horrible word used to put women in their place. If any business woman is given a project with a deadline and a budget, she is in her rights to negotiate suppliers down or insist on sticking to the brief. But if she's planning her wedding, she's a bridezilla. The word or threat of it is enough to silence a woman who might otherwise berate a shoddy supplier, ask for a discount or stand up for herself. I've attended 18 weddings in the last 3 years and was bridesmaid at 3 of them and didn't encounter a single bridezilla - just nice, ordinary women planning weddings to the best of their ability.

1. Tell DP to stop sulking. She's your dear friend more than his. If only one of you gets to go to the wedding you're it.

1. Call dear friend and tell her that you're sorry you had a row, that you know weddings are inordinately stressful and that you will be there for her. Grit your teeth if you have to.

1. Plan silly, fun, wedding-themed day for DP and DC to have while you're gone. Make some cakes and yummy food and get some weddingy music lined up. Tell them they all have to dress up and take turns to be the vicar, bride, photographer etc. Text them throughout the day (not from church ) to tell them what you're up to and ask them where they're at with their 'wedding'.

1. Be there at 10 am on the wedding day and go home in the evening. If you have to Vaseline your teeth to make sure you keep smiling, do so.