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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

239 replies

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:37

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 23:01

The thing is, DP has said that he would be really hurt if I go. So, that puts me in no win situation - either I really upset him, or really upset her.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 22/11/2009 23:02

rockbird i disagree that cost is a feeble excuse - if the bride is employing caterers they may well not allow any options other than a small discount for children, particularly if she is not used to negotiating this sort of stuff. i paid £300 for the children at my wedding to eat (more fool me but I'll bet I'm not the only one).

EvilTwins · 22/11/2009 23:03

Don't know what to say really. I have found in recent years, with lots of friends getting married, that many many women lose all sense of perspective where it comes to their own wedding, and forget that, when it comes down to it, it's the people at the wedding that make it the day it is, and therefore doing stuff to piss your guests off is not going to make for the best day of your life.

You don't say how far in advance of the wedding the invitation to the children was withdrawn - was it a case of a verbal "you're all invited" and then the actual invitation just being for you and DH? There's still 2 months to go before the wedding, so it's hardly a last minute decision to ban the kids. Also, if you decide that you should go without DH, you can't hold your friend responsible - she's not withdrawing his invitation, you're deciding that he can't go.

As I said though, lots of women seem to lose perspective about their big days. We would never have dreamed of banning children from ours, as several good friends and family members had young children. I really do think that certain decisions have to be made with guests in mind, not just the bride.

So, ramble over. YANBU. I think.

choosyfloosy · 22/11/2009 23:05

Blimey AD it sounds like you should put your DP and the bride in a room and let them work it out

I still think do the preparation and the ceremony then leg it. And alicet I'm not convinced - I still think it's really unreasaonble to uninvite after you have invited, especially for those reasons

thelunar66 · 22/11/2009 23:05

I don't think it's worth upsetting your DP for. He has been made redundant and will be feeling shocking awful about that.

anonacfr · 22/11/2009 23:06

I'm with Carrieboo and Rockbird. Some friend...
Considering your situation (2 young children, DP's redundancy etc) she's not exactly being a supportive friend is she?

YANBU as far as I'm concerned. I appreciate that she's the bride, it's her day etc but does that mean she has to be a bridezilla about it?

Have you tried to openly talk to her about the situation and present yours and DP's point of view- the fact that you were going to have a family weekend, that DP was looking forward to coming along rather now than being relegated to the role of emergency babysitter?

Heated · 22/11/2009 23:06

That's unnecessary of dh as essentially he is forcing you to choose. It would be better if he supported you whatever your decision, him knowing either way you would not be happy.

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 23:06

"The thing is, DP has said that he would be really hurt if I go. So, that puts me in no win situation - either I really upset him, or really upset her."

In that case your dp is BU!

RockBird · 22/11/2009 23:06

But they don't have to eat, do they? That's the thing. A 3 and 4yo are not going to eat a big wedding breakfast so if cost really is an issue then you don't cater for them. Or you order sausage and chips from the bar.

I know how expensive weddings are, I had a big wedding myself. But it's about how important you think children are. I had a fair few children amongst my family and friends and I counted them as such. If it meant second cousin Florrie couldn't come then so be it. It was more important that they were there.

Original poster
annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 23:07

It was probably only 2 weeks between the original invitation, and her withdrawing the invite to children.

But DD (4) was really exited and had already chosen a dress to wear - so that has left a nasty taste in my mouth too

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 23:10

RockBird - not all venues work like that. I have been to several wedding venue where they have charged a full place setting and meal for even the smallest of tots in highchairs - ridiculous I know and not a venue I would choose, but still it happens, so it could well be that if each child is allocated a place round a table by the venue, this would dramatically affect the numbers and cost.
Not something I agree with but it's the bride's choice so the bridesmaid needs to accept it - she was given notice of the change of invitation only 2 weeks after the initial invitation.

choosyfloosy · 22/11/2009 23:12

Rockbird, of course they didn't eat! That didn't affect what the caterer charged! And there was no bar.

Given the time again I'd know to go in hard with the caterer at the beginning, but I don't do much of that sort of negotiation.

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 23:13

annoyingdevil - can completely understand your disappointment especially as your dd looking forward to it, but you may just have to accept this and be full of smiles and joy on your friend's day.
I agree it's a shame your friend isn't including children but it's her wedding and who knows, maybe she feels awkward about it as she knows it will mean your dp can't go, but that's sometimes the way these things go.

JuanMoreTime · 22/11/2009 23:15

leave house at 7 am
go to wedding

do bridemaid

smile

drive home

job done.

MadamDeathstare · 22/11/2009 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 23:16

rofl MadamDeathstare!

Littlefish · 22/11/2009 23:18

Annoyingdevil - how long ago was the original invitation issued. Was it a verbal invitation or a formal written one?

How long have you known that your dcs were not invited?

TBH your dh sounds like he's putting you under unreasonable pressure.

spicemonster · 22/11/2009 23:19

God if I ever got married (which isn't going to happen) I just wouldn't tell the caterers about the kids! If they're not eating, what business of it is theirs?

I think you kind of have to go but I would go for the wedding and as little of the reception as you can get away with. It's a bit unfair of your DH to say that he would be hurt if you went - unless you're both really good friends with her and her DF. And even then, the fact is that one of you is going to have to stay home to look after the kids and it can't be you.

I don't know if YABU or not, am going to sit on the fence on this one.

BexJ78 · 22/11/2009 23:20

When we got married we said no children partly because of the cost and bacuse if you invite one, you've to invite them all!! Unlike what people have said above the cost is not always minimal, many hotels do not offer a preferential rate for children, you still pay the regular cost per head, plus if you are having your wedding somewhere that is small, it also means a space is being taken up by someone's child, when you could invite another friend. At our wedding, two of our close friends, one of whom was a BM, had small children less than a year old, and we did not ask them along...then one of the couples replied saying they were coming, along with ther DD, so we had no choice but to let the other couple know that they could bring their child. Actually was all ok and children were really well behaved, but was a bit spoilt when after speeches BM went to take her DD back to her mums to put her to bed and didn't come back for the rest of the party. you are in a really difficult situation, esp with your husband being made redundant, but i think to pull out of being a BM at this late stage would really upset the bride and put a real strain on your friendship. do you have any other friends that your children could stay with for the weekend??

Heated · 22/11/2009 23:21

We had this with friends of ours. DD was just 8 weeks old and we'd had already bought ds' outfit. We'd found them the band and other bits for the wedding. We then got the phone call saying no children.

I was very tempted not to go. It was a big faff to take children 2 hours to g-ps and then 2 1/2 hours on to the wedding and do the return journey in the same day. If they said no children at the outset it would been fine. Dh gave me a sideways glance when it came to the part in the vows about marriage and begetting children. There was a guest who gatecrashed their dd and one of the groomsmen said in an undertone, "Where's the childcatcher?"

But I'm still saying YABU. It's their choice.

Vallhala · 22/11/2009 23:21

PMSL at Madames idea!

Original poster
annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 23:25

No, the orignal invitation was verbal, and the note about children not being invited was by email - 2 weeks later.

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 23:29

think you're just going to have to accept that dp misses out and you go ahead and be a great bridesmaid and know that if it was your wedding you'd have done things differently

iwanttobepombear · 22/11/2009 23:30

We recently went to the wedding of a friends brother - it was an asian wedding and there were loads of children there(including ours) and it was fantastic - the kids all behaved themselves and provided alot of impromptu entertainment! I do think its sad when children are excluded but it really increases the cost of a hotel reception if children are included.
I think you probably have to just grin and bear it unless you want to risk your friendship

hester · 22/11/2009 23:31

I think your friend has been a bit insensitive, but if you care for her you should draw a deep breath, decide the priority is that she has a great day, and get on with being a good friend to her.

I have to say, though, I think your dp is putting you in a very difficult position. Is he feeling very sensitised to social slights at the moment?

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