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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

239 replies

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:37

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 23/11/2009 08:42

also, she will wonder why on earth you didnt say soemthing sooner.

Bucharest · 23/11/2009 08:44

YABU.
So is she, tbh, for having grown up bridesmaids who I always feel look really, really silly.

curryfreak · 23/11/2009 08:45

YABU.
Yes, it's a pain that she changed her mind about children going(though imo people people are perfectly entitled to not have children at their wedding if they so choose)
It seems like you are looking for an excuse not to go, now that your dc are no longer invited!
Think of it as an opportunity to have some adult time away from your dc.
Go for the day, or stay overnight, but go you should, as this day is about your friend and her dp, not you!

StewieGriffinsMom · 23/11/2009 08:51

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porcamiseria · 23/11/2009 08:54

I really hear where you are coming from, and I personally think child-free weddings are SHIT, in other cultures (mediterranean for example) they would be aghast at this. But she has made her decision. Unfortunately unless you want a mega falling out its probably easiest to leave DC with DP, go solo and at least you can have one champagne too many. But I do think this very British habit is very very sad indeed.......

hatwoman · 23/11/2009 08:59

carrieboo and posieparker - my jaw hit the floor when I read that about carrieboo's foster daughter. tbh that ranks as outright callous. presumably she's being fostered because of some family difficulties or other...to be then excluded in that way by your foster family's extended family is just unthinkable. that would be one I'd find very hard to forgive.

PuppyMonkey · 23/11/2009 09:03

I have only read the OP, not the rest of the thread. But I bet £10m, lots of people came on here and said something along the lines of "her wedding, her choice I'm afraid." Always makes me PMSL. It's the MN equivalent of "It's political correctness gone mad" in cliche terms.

I always think people who ban kids at weddings (especially when they had originally not banned them) are a bit weird. What's the point of a wedding without kids skidding round on the dance floor and running around having a whale of a time? I'm Irish and that's almost the whole point of having a wedding.

She'll ba banning people with ginger hair or a beer belly next. Her wedding her choice.

curryfreak · 23/11/2009 09:10

puppymonkey,i disagree. I remember being at weddings as a child and being bored sensless.
it's a very long day, lots of boozing and reverally (as it should be) but it is not the sort of athmosphere children should be in!
What is this obsession with having to take children to grown up events?

PuppyMonkey · 23/11/2009 09:13

You've not been to the right weddings then! weddings are family events, not "grown up" events

sarah293 · 23/11/2009 09:18

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RockBird · 23/11/2009 09:19

It isn't a grown up event, it's a family event. Am also Irish and the no children at weddings thing is totally alien to me. We had a whale of a time at weddings as well when we were children. I absolutely detest this current trend and would have no qualms in refusing an invitation to a child free wedding. It's likely to be a dull affair in any case. My SIL is having a child free wedding in January except DD is allowed to go because she's a flower girl . Very convenient. Half the family are not able to go because of the no children rule. Very nice... Luckily my family would never dream of doing this.

RockBird · 23/11/2009 09:19

X post PuppyMonkey

Hullygully · 23/11/2009 09:21

yanbu. She is. All these no kids at weddings people are being vvvvvu and vile. Weddings should NOT be a sort of showcase for the bride, people spend a lot of time and money being guests to help them celebrate their bloody union so families should be welcome. Why spend all that money and effort to watch some prat swan about? Who gives a fuck?

Heathcliffscathy · 23/11/2009 09:26

YABVU. she is your best friend. she got all excited and told you about the wedding. then she sat down and did the logistics and realised (for whatever reason) that she wasn't going to invite children. there was only a 2 week gap and I bet it was MONTHS ago.

you say you chose to put your head in the sand rather than confront her on this at the time. if you had, you'd have been perfectly within your rights to say 'look, i can't do it without the kids and if you really insist i'm going to have to not be a bridesmaid.' but you didn't.

you left it. for months i expect. now the wedding is imminent and you're getting stroppy and (in your head) threatening to withdraw.

it is not her problem that you have babysitting issues ESPECIALLY in view of the fact that you've left it so long to even think about this...this discussion should have been had at the time NOT at this stage and imo that is where you are seriously at fault.

now you are going to have to suck it up: go to the wedding, smile, be a good friend and bridesmaid. anything else will kill your friendship.

what did you think was going to happen? a fairy godmother was going to come along and create an invisible bubble that your kids could sit in during the wedding...seriously how could you have not discussed this with her the moment you got the email saying no kids???

and your DP is being a total arse because effectively, like a spoilt child he is saying 'choose between her and me'.

pagwatch · 23/11/2009 09:27

actually it is whatever type of event the couple chose to make it isn't it? A couple of friends at a town hall or masses at a big hotel or any family who can afford a flight to some beach.

I find these threads hilarious because they bring great sweeping assertions from people about what a wedding should be and that their version is the right one.

And no one seems to be able to just think 'oh - they arn't having children. Thats not really my cup oftea. I will just decline'
they have to be outraged offended and inscenced.

I often wonder if most weddings are now attended by people who resent the couple and feel the wedding is a major fuck up in terms of taste and consideration for guest. nice

sarah293 · 23/11/2009 09:29

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curryfreak · 23/11/2009 09:29

Whether you think it is a grown up or family event is irrelevent. I have been to weddings where children were invited, and where they were not.
The point is, it is the decision of the bride (and groom) whom they invite. The invitees do not dictate who is invited and who is not.
There's a simple choice, if you feel that strongly dont go, but be prepared to risk your friendship.
BTW, find it difficult to believe, that op is unable to get a sitter or make some kind of childcare arrangements, escpecially with notice.
I dont have family close by, but me and dp, manage fine with nights away, special occassions etc, where friends will look after our dc, and we will do the same for them when the occassion arises!

Morloth · 23/11/2009 09:30

If you are going to pull out. Do it now.

Heathcliffscathy · 23/11/2009 09:32

it's a big honour to be asked to be a bridesmaid imo. just as it is to be a best man. and you don't kick off and renege on that close to the date, if you've got an issue you let the bride know straightaway.

curryfreak · 23/11/2009 09:32

Well said Pagwatch.

sarah293 · 23/11/2009 09:33

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kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 23/11/2009 09:33

YABU. It isn't your wedding so it isn't up to you who is invited and who isn't.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/11/2009 09:34

If she is really your oldest, dearest friend then I would go,leave DP behind with the children and come back that night. But then I don't get the fury over child-free weddings.

Your, now that would really irritate me. Why isn't he trying to come up with solutions for you rather than throwing his toys out of the pram?

Heathcliffscathy · 23/11/2009 09:34

riven, a lot of people that cannot afford babysitting do swaps, have a couple of friends that they babysit for and could ask to do this for them at a push. totally accept that the OP is stuck. point is she knew this months ago and didn't say a thing.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/11/2009 09:35

You DP that should be