to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

[annoyingdevil]

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

There is noone on this earth, well in this country, who could babysit my dcs.....

What I find quite amazing is the lack of interest the OP has in participating in her own thread.

We still dont know what the OP wants, and little more than the facts already stated in the op.

carrieboo's SIL, for example, is a cunt

OP yanbu

friend is being a princess

I would email her explaining how you and your dp feel about it all, and see if she can respond like an adult instead of Veruca Salt

if not I would tell her to go piss up a rope

Well I thnk YANBU. If you were just one of the guests then I would say "their wedding, their choice", but you are bridal party, of whom more is asked than just come and enjoy yourselves.

To have your children looked after for 48hours is a big ask and I personally wouldn't be able to do it either, not having enough support nearby.

I didn't have children at my weddin in general, except for family/bridal party (which now I have my own I amittedly feel was a bit petulant, but we had tight numbers too). As it happened, the bridal party friends all got babysitters anyway,sothey could have fun, but I certainly wouldn't have split a couple up on the day just to have my way...I wouldn't feel I was doing right by the best friend I supposedly "loved" if I forced her to leave her partner at home.

I searched the thread for your reply as to whether she has children but couldn't find one, so I'm assuming no. Anyway, sounds a bit bridezilla to me. It amazes me how many women are prepared to alienate their nearest and dearest come their special day.

If she's a real friend, I think she will regret this, as only she has the power to make it easy or hard for you - you have to let someone down either way.

Yes of course it is their choice. But then they can't feign surprise or offence when people can't attend, that's all. So if the op has to pull out then the bride has no room to complain.

We did go!

After two, 2 hour long conversations between DH and SIL, where dh suggested various compromises and she slaged him off acused him of using the chldren to blackmail her, making their parents ill by with holding the children and being a bad Dad as fostering would mean the boys miss out on things. The relationship with in laws is now very strained (they are selfish people at the best of times)

DFD had a birthday she wanted to go to so we arranged for her to stay there, turned up to the wedding at the last min (eveb though DH was an Usher and ordered to be there very early without the rest of us!). Smilled sweetly stood for the photos and tried not to get involved.

Her excuse was she did not want people to ask questions about it (they are against us fostering) but when we got there most people already knew and started asking about the conversations that had been had!

The hurt caused runs very deep and I do not think things will ever be the same again.

Hence my advice to OP to just go smile sweetly and leave as soon as she can. These things are so emotional that if it gets to an argument chances are you will loose your friend for good. Talk to hubby about staying behind in the mind set of just doing what needs to be done to get throught the day.

Bucharest, really? Grown up bridesmaids look silly? Not taking umbrage, btw, just I've never been at a wedding with child bridesmaids. Bridesmaids are the brides sister or best friend. Kids who you want to include are flower-girls.

Puppymonkey - In your opinion, weddings are family events. Some people don't share that opinion. Nobody's wrong. Personally, I don't get why people bristle at the suggestion that kids are not welcome absolutely everywhere. What about bringing them on the hen night? The stag?

AD - What's done is done now, and tbh, you've left it a bit late to pull out of bridesmaid duties now. (I know you had other things on your mind - but so did she!)
it's your husband who is making things difficult now. You can't make two of yourself. Why is he so upset? It's your best friend that is getting married, not his (or the kids' for that matter).

not sure about bucharest's comment about grown up bridesmaids looking really silly...

surely the point of bridesmaids, if the bride chooses to have them, is that they are there to help the bride get ready on the day, keep her calm, help with the running of the day etc... my BMs got me in my wedding dress, did my make up, one made a speech (as my best friend), organised my hen party...can't see a five year old doing that, however cute they might look??

Agree that it is for the couple to decide what type of wedding they want and to cut their cloth accordingly...and having given what appears to be a fair bit of notice, i think you are being a bit unreasonable, although understand you are in a difficult situation.

Those of you saying "her wedding her choice"- haven't you missed the point that she had invited the children and then un-invited them? And that the 4yo had already excitedly chosen her party frock, and was then told she wasn't going after all.

In what world is this not rude?

Supposing it was a MNer who came on here with the post: "I was invited to my friend's wedding and had already organised my outfit, but now she's just emailed me to say I won't be able to come after all"- would you really be telling her quite coolly that it's her wedding, her choice, or that she must understand that perhaps it would be too expensive to cater for her.

Shouldn't you budget first, before you tell people they're invited?

What I would probably do though would be to send back a polite email saying that you will be coming on your own and really looking forward to it.

She has behaved badly, but why ruin a friendship over it.

When my brother got married they had a no children rule, with the exception of one of the bridesmaids and my two girls (then aged 11 months and 4). We had to bring our girls as the wedding was 200 miles away and all the family were going, and family are our babysitters!!

Similarly when DP's best friend got married, both bride and groom come from huge families with literally hordes of children, so they said no children, apart from their own and our DD2, who was 18 days old at the time. DD1 went to nursery for an extra day (it was a Friday wedding) but due to the fact that my name is not Coleen I didn't want to leave my newborn, and the bride and groom (who had already got 4 children between them) totaly understood this and never even suggested I didn't bring her. DP was best man, so I went for the service and some of the reception then collected DD1 from nursery and took both girls home.

I think if you can have an open, honest discussion about it, let her know that your 4 year old was very excited etc, without being angry and accusatory about it you should be able to reach some sort of compromise. After all, now that money is so tight can you afford to make a full weekend away with the family? Could you not just make it a day trip, with DP and the kids in the church and then meet up with them after you put in a brief appearance at the reception for photos etc?

This is a tough one, your DD's are not too young to be left by you, but, DD1 is old enough to understand that she's not going to the wedding now and be sad about it. In some ways she's being very unreasonable to uninvite them, but you are being slightly unreasonable to expect her to make a total exception for just your children.

Or you could do what someone did at my sisters wedding, the Mum and Dad were invited by name (children were older, late teens, one away at Uni, and we assumed that they wouldn't want to come) and they turned up with the 16 yr old son! Everyone budged up, made room, an extra plate was found and all was well. Could you not mention it and "forget" and just turn up with them? How can anyone turn away two dressed up little girls who've come to see their mummy be a bridesmaid...?

YANBU I have been to so many bridezilla weddings and am royally sick of it. The best wedding I have ever been to was a not perfect at all and all kids are welcome wedding - it was brilliant. It is time all this perfect wedding stuff came to an end it is meant to be fun not torture for all but the bride ffs.

The conversation about the DD being very disappointed should have happened when the invitations happened. Which is not recent by the sounds of it.

YANBU. The plans have changed, when you agreed to be bridesmaid the children were invited. Surely she can make an exception for her bridesmaids children.

Whatever happens your friendship is likely to cool after the wedding, can she not see that?

Weddings bring out the worst in people. You have grown women turning into bridezillas and acting like their wedding is the only event of the century. You also have guests who use the opportunity of a wedding to demonstrate their lack of manners and social awareness.

At our wedding we were limited with numbers as the venue only held 100 people and I have a huge family. I invited a friend, she said she couldn't come so I invited someone else in her place. She ended up turning up on the day with a friend in tow. One of dh's friends also brought her uninvited sister. A couple of relatives turned up at the church and were there at the start of the reception but then disappeared and returned after the meal had already been served. They then kept moaning that they were starving!

I loved my wedding and I suspect that that I was a bit of a brideszilla but thank god that it is all done and dusted and I don't have to do it all again!

I agree with Carrieboo to some extent. There seems to be this pervading idea that because you are a bride that you can then demand whatever you like of people because it is 'your' day. What a crock of shit. The Wedding is about the couple and everybody that is invited. It is about community and family and bringing people together.

When I got married I knew that a lot of the people that I invited were broke and would have trouble getting to the venue, would not be able to afford black tie and to be honest I think a wedding isn't a wedding without a mother running out of the ceremony with a small baby crying. It reminds me of the circle of life. So we put on a bus from London, told people they could wear what they liked and invited all the children. Just because I was a bride I don't think I get to act like a total bitch and get away with it (I saved that for when I was 8 months pregnant) .

I don't have a problem with someone wanting a child free wedding but then they have to accept that some people will not be able to make it. It's a two way thing, the couple who are holding the event should have sympathy and compassion for those they invite, if they really care for them, and then they will find that that the people who come will be happy and joyful.

I also think it is appalling to un-invite people (yes children are people).

YABU - it's her day. Your DP is being totally mean in making you feel guilty about not going.

And all this about kids should always be invited to weddings - blah.
My sister had her wedding recently and didn't want children there, apart from bridesmaids. My dd (age 5) was a bridesmaid and it almost ruined the whole day as she decided to disappear off for 30 mins to goodness knows where.
There was a huge lake at the venue and I was running around the edge of it sobbing for 20 minutes thinking she must have drowned.
This was the reason she didn't want children there, she wanted to adults to be able just to relax.

"..it is appalling to un-invite people (yes children are people)"

Perfectly summed up.

I think it would be nice if the bride could compromise a little, as the op and her family have had to compromise quite a lot. OP would be quite reasonable, I think, to say she will be there by 11am and will be leaving 9pm at the latest (she has a two hour drive each way and won't be able to drink all day) because getting accommodation nearer the venue is out of the question, due to cost, and she wants to get back to her children and spend a full day with them the next day. If bride isn't happy about that then she is being just plain selfish.

Uninviting people is not really acceptable. Whilst I do have some sympathy for people who want a child-free wedding (particularly those who would otherwise end up with more kids than adults present) I think if you want your nearest & dearest to come to your wedding and to have a good time (and let's hope most brides do want this - I know I did) then a bit of realism has to come into it. For us, it was more important to make sure that everyone came to celebrate with us and that nobody was excessively inconvenienced. We planned our day with this in mind and children were invited.

I think though that leaving aside the 'uninviting' point, the bride and groom are absolutely within their rights to invite whomever they please to their wedding - whether that includes children or not. Those who are unable or unwilling to attend if their children are not invited are also within their rights to politely decline the invitation - but not to demand that the invitation is extended.

I didn't invite my own children to my wedding celbrations! We married this June, and our Children (the 1 and 9months) came to the VERY small registry office part, (mainly so we could get a few pics all together) and then for a meal with friends and onto a night in town, was fab, would do t a hundred times over the same exact way.

yabu.

Apart form anything - I welcomed any number of children at my wedding - we had about 20 there.

But - that doesn't mean to say that I don't think it should be the brides choice entirefuly.

She has given you plenty of notice. Surely some kind of comprimise is possible?

Carrieboo I think thats dreadful! how awful for your foster daughter, was she old enough to understand why she wasnt going?
I personally would have taken her any way,
what a horrible person.

I feel like I'm missing something here... This bride has been excited about her wedding, chatting to her best friend about her wedding. She says she'd like to invite everyone. She then goes home and does her sums and works out that's not possible. So she then lets OP know this. Bearing in mind this is all BEFORE the formal invitations have even been issued?

Now, no matter your personal stance about weddings (family affair vs. adult function), this is not unusual.

OP and her partner have children, therefore have responsibilities. This is why they are faced with a choice. The OP's children are not the responsibility of the bride. And if she's trying to keep down numbers, why should she invite OP's children? I'm assuming there are other people she would rather have there. Perhaps her own friends/family, as opposed to OP's?

I just don't understand what this bride has done wrong! I would never expect to bring three extra guests with me to a friend's wedding!

In my opnion, unless there's something I've missed, OP and her DP are both being EXTREMELY unreasonable.

Yes, she has no children.

The reason I didn't say anything earlier was because I assumed that I would be able to get a babysitter and, as I was going to drive up early, DP would be able to take the train later in the day (have since found out there is no station nearby)

Well then, I'm afraid that's your fault. I think you should have made certain of these two facts instead of assuming. Again, I can't see how this is the bride's fault at all...?