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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

239 replies

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:37

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 22/11/2009 23:31

Yes, but when was the original invitation given? Are we talking a couple of weeks ago, or a couple of months.

If it's a couple of months, then I'm sorry, but you really are being unreasonable. Even if it was only a couple of weeks ago - she has still given you 2 month's notice in which to organise childcare. If you haven't got any childcare then either your dh will have to stay at home (and stop being ridiculous), or you will have to let down your "oldest, dearest" friend and back out of being a bridesmaid.

I appreciate that your dh has been made redundant in the meantime, and that must have been very shocking, however, I really don't think it has much bearing on this issue.

cat64 · 22/11/2009 23:33

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Northernlurker · 22/11/2009 23:37

Oh come on OP - you're getting to be a bridesmaid! Of course you should dump your family and have a row with your husband! Your friend needs you to hold her bouquet and sit next to her new husband's university rugger mate!

I think yanbu at all. I absolutely hate reading about weddings that children are excluded from because of 'cost'. That's total bollocks. It's not that children 'cost' so much, it's that the bride and groom have decided that they don't value the child guests as much as they value adult guests. It's not about behaviour either - adult guests can behave appallingly! I think your friend was being selfish to exclude your family in the first place - if she wanted to invite you she should have counted all of you and budgeted accordingly. Now she is placing all these demands on you I would have no hesitation in telling her to get stuffed. Maybe if she's looking around for another bridesmaid at relatively short notice then that will encourage her to value her friends and their families a bit more?

All this 'it's her day' bullshit as well. No it isn't - it's her wedding, the start of her married life and yes it's a nice important day for her but that doesn't give you the right to trample over peoples feelings and ignore their families.

cakewench · 22/11/2009 23:38

DP sounds like a third child, in my opinion! If she's YOUR 'oldest and dearest' friend, and you've been put in this very difficult spot, why on earth is he piling on guilt about it?

I will say YABU, but I don't mean it strongly.. it's a major pita for you for her to have changed her mind. However, she can't accommodate your children without having to accommodate everyone else's, so I'm not sure what I could suggest, really. (other than for her to go ahead and allow all children, which I personally would have done from the start, but that's just me. I know other people have grander, more 'adult' visions of their receptions, and those are fun, too.)

cat64 · 22/11/2009 23:43

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hatwoman · 22/11/2009 23:46

do you know of any other guests in a similar situation? ie with uninvited children and unlikely to be able to find a baby-sitter? and are there any nearby places - cafes/parks or just a separate bit of the venue (ie if it's a hotel that's still open to other guests)? because if so you could suggest teaming up with another couple and between the 4 of you you could take it in turns to leave the wedding and take care of all the kids. if the other couple were good friends you might even be able to persuade them to waive your turn on the rota on the grounds of you being bridesmaid. you could probably leave quite respectably by about 8pm and kids will sleep in the care on the way home.

edd021208 · 22/11/2009 23:47

hi - as the bridesmaid presumably you are part of 'the wedding party' and you are almost doing a job for your friend for the day and she might want to feel she has your attention and care for the day and if your dcs are there that you won't be able to help out. If she has no children herself she might not fully appreciate your difficulties so maybe you could have a chat with her - the withdrawal of the invitation must be annoying but maybe she realised that if she invited your dcs then she would have to invite everyone and - cost aside - there may have been an issue about numbers with the venue.

I'm ashamed to say that for my wedding I asked a friend who had a 3 mo baby to be bridesmaid . However, I did tell her not to bother with any pre-wedding stuff, just show up on the day and walk up the aisle with me and then to enjoy herself with her dh. She said she was happy enough to leave her baby with her mum and while we didn't 'invite' kids, there were 4 or 5 bf babies there....tbh, parents with older kids said they enjoyed them not being around but if anyone had not been able to find a babysitter of course they could have brought their kids if they had asked.....the point I'm trying to make is if this woman is really your dearest friend I'm sure you could ask if it would be ok for her to make an exception for your kids as you are bridesmaid...

hatwoman · 22/11/2009 23:48

car not care.

displayuntilbestbefore · 22/11/2009 23:53

cat64 - my dh exactly the same. He would far rather be left at home with dcs than have to keep them from screeching and squabbling during the ceremony and speeches. He spent the whole of my brother's wedding (I was maid of honour at head table)missing all the speeches as ds3 decided that he had had enough by then, he couldn't drink as he had to drive them home for bedtime afterwards and would have been very glad of an excuse not to go at all as it was a very long, tiring day!

sayithowitis · 23/11/2009 00:01

YANBU.Like others, I accept that it is the bride ( and groom's) decision about children, though I find it odd personally, however, I think she is in the wrong for uninviting the dcs. And I think she is also wrong to assume that you will be happy to leave your DH to look after them while you are being her bridesmaid.

Don't allow yourself to be guilt tripped into doing what she wants in order to 'be a good friend'. She isn't exactly being a good friend to you is she? And, IMO, your loyalties should lie with your DH and Dcs.

DandyLioness · 23/11/2009 00:07

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coralanne · 23/11/2009 00:55

It's funny but people never seem to have a problem with babysitters with any function other than a wedding. Suddenly when a wedding comes around, Oh my gosh! can't possibly leave little darlings with any one.When my DD was married we had a hysterical phone call a week before the wedding from Nephews wife. PLEASE could they bring their 3 to wedding. Can't find anyone to look after them. This from a couple constantly attending functions and weekends away without children. Being soft hearted we reorganised tables and had to invite another 4 children so as not to offend anyone. Altogether an extra 7 children between 5 and 12. Not as though they were babies who don't do anything or eat anything. We already had several new borns and several month olds there, but that was fine, they just sat in a corner and BF by mum when required. We are an extremely child friendly family but that really was a bit much to take. Nephew's wife ha large family and could have found someone to look after kids for a few hours.

skidoodle · 23/11/2009 03:11

What NorthernLurker said.

echt · 23/11/2009 06:07

OP - you're being U, as the rescinding of the child invite came swiftly after the first invite. But she's v. off in her assumptions about your Dh's role.

But am I the only one and about carrieboo's foster daughter being "not family"!!!! See page 1.

Bloody disgusting.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/11/2009 07:18

You'll have to go just for the day, drive there and back and if she thinks that's boring then she should have thought of it before!

(Or your DH could suck it up, let you stay overnight and have a good time)

Lulumama · 23/11/2009 07:18

two things i think make you unreasonable

it is only 2 weeks since she sent out invites, so it is not like the day before

and your DP is putting unreasonable pressure on you

so why should your friend change her mind because your DP is being nasty about it? which is understandbabl due to his circumstances

if you withdraw your bridesmaids services rather than finding a way to be there, then you will fall out with your oldest and dearest friend, is that really what you want>

and why are you surprised you need to be at the venue early?

surely you know that is part of being a bridesmaid? you don't just turn up 5 minutes before

your DP should stay at home, not give you a guilt trip and then you and your friend don't fall out

YABU to expect her to accomodate your children on her wedding day

BaconWheatCrunchies · 23/11/2009 07:38

Weddings bring out the worst in people I think.

OP although it seems unreasonable as a lot have said, it is her wedding, and if you're doing BM duties you're not going to see much of your DP anyway.

You need to take a deep breath and do your bit as a friend, hopefully your DP will calm down over not being able to go.

I also was at the foster daughter not being invited, did they not think how that would make her feel?

RockBird · 23/11/2009 07:55

I didn't know that about caterers. How can they charge for someone who isn't eating?

diddl · 23/11/2009 08:04

But from what I can gather, OP´s partner hasn´t been "uninvited".
The problem only arises if a babysitter can´t be found.

Is it more that the partner doesn´t want to be left babysitting and that´s why he´s throwing a strop?

posieparker · 23/11/2009 08:08

When she asked you to be bridesmaid she should have been clear about children, so she is BU. However I can understand about numbers and so your next action will determine whether or not your friendship gets through this.

Carrieboo75... tell me you missed SIL's wedding.

KimiTheThreadSlayer · 23/11/2009 08:10

Don't be bridesmaid

LoveBeingAMummy · 23/11/2009 08:12

If the children were invited would you still be going and staynig there for the weekend given what has happened with dps job? If yes there is nothing to stop dp and the dcs from going with you but not going to the wedding i'm sure there's lots for them to do and still ahve a good time, you can even sneak away a few times during the recepetion. You can then have a nice breakfast together and spend the day as a family.

Your DP is putting a terrible pressure on you and imo its not fair for him to do this, is it more about the money?

What do you want to do?

Your friend obviously didn't realise how big her numbers were going to be when she spoke to you. I know that with our wedding if we had invited the children of all frieds and family there we would have been over 30. We just couldn't do itso we only invited children of our brothers and sisters and anyone who ewas in the wedding party. Yes a couple of people weren't happy, but most enjoyed it.

OrmIrian · 23/11/2009 08:30

rofl at child-catcher heated

I can understand cost but personally I'd choose somewhere that didn't charge for children at all, or where you could choose the 'rules'. I think it's important to have kids present but I accept that not anyone does.

You have to go, do your bit and chalk it down to experience unless you want to lose a friend.

However she was unfair and should at least apologise.

cory · 23/11/2009 08:36

Regardless of whether you like children or not, I think it is incredibly rude to invite someone (whether a child or an adult) and then tell them they're not invited after all. If the cost got too much, why not un-invite Auntie Muriel? Why is it always children that have to put up with rude behaviour? For all she knows they might have been looking forward to the wedding more than Uncle Benjamin who finds these dos rather a bore.

I fully hold that any bride is entitled to decide against children at her wedding. But once you have issued an invitation, that invitation should stand.

gingernutlover · 23/11/2009 08:40

havent read entire thread but it does seem she changed the goal posts from when she first asked you to be bridesmaid, I can see why this is causing a problem. She will not see that.

you have 2 choices

  1. go and somehow sort out the childcare
  2. tell her its impossible for you to go, right now, so she can find a new bridesmaid (expect her to be upset)
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