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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my friend should accommodate my children at her wedding?

239 replies

annoyingdevil · 22/11/2009 22:37

My oldest, dearest friend is getting married in Janurary and has asked me to be bridesmaid. To begin with, children were welcome at the wedding so everything was hunkydory. Told DP and we were planning to make a weekend of it.

2 weeks later she suddenly sends an email saying children are not welcome at the wedding (due to numbers)

A week later DP is made redundant, and understandably, we have more important things to worry about (like paying the mortgage!), so I put the wedding to the back of my mind - assuming that things would sort themselves out.

Met up with this friend on Friday and things get rather heated. She expects me to be at the venue at 10am in the morning (in the middle of nowhere - 2 hours drive from where I live). Assumes that I will find a babysitter for almost 48 hours (even though I have no family nearby and am not close to my mum). and that if I can't find a babysitter, DP will just happily remain at home with the DCs - aged 3 and 4 (and just accept that he has been uninvited from her wedding?)

AIBU to be really pissed off and to consider withdrawing my bridesmaid services?

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 23/11/2009 11:03

YANBU and your friend is being incredibly short sighted. We've missed a few weddings because of a no kids rule, and leaving the kids for 48 hours with a non existant baby sitter to travel 100's of miles just wasn't an option.

I'm not sure what you can do really.But whatever you do, take comfort in the fact that a few years from now, bridezilla may be throwing all her touys out of her pram when she is forced to leave her kids behind
just as our classic anti kid Bridezilla now does

If she hadn't originally invited the kids, then I'd say go on your own. Un inviting them is the height of rudeness.

WhiteRoses · 23/11/2009 11:05

There's a difference between "missing a few weddings" Sassybeast, and agreeing to be bridesmaid for your best friend, only to pull out at the last minute.

Sassybeast · 23/11/2009 11:07

I declined being matron of honour for my friend - because she was getting married in Cyprus - and DD wasn't invited

DandyLioness · 23/11/2009 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:09

You are kidding Sassy!

The only weddings I will go to nowadays are ones that are child free. At least that way I can have a break.
And yes, DH and I have both had to go to weddings alone if there is no childcare. It is like a mini holiday.
Just go Annoyingdevil, and have a fantastic time.

Northernlurker · 23/11/2009 11:11

It's simply not true that having a large family and body of friends means you can't invite children. My best friend had piles of children at her wedding - my three for a start. You can have all the children of your close friends and realatives but you may have to choose not to invite the person who sits four desks away from you at work, your mate's sister who comes to the pub with you once a month and your parents old next door neighbours! It just seems to me that 'cost' is touted as an excuse for that fact that a lot of people just don't like children at celebrations. That is very depressing - children are part of our family too, my friends are friends with my children too. I think it's send a really bad signal to start your married life telling people that part of their family isn't welcome in your new family.

BexJ78 · 23/11/2009 11:13

i am sorry, but i hate the term bridezilla. some brides are really stroppy and demanding , yes, but so are some parents, who baulk at the thought of their little darlings not being at the top of everyone else's list of priorities! have yet to see the term mumzilla used so frequently!!!! and for people saying uninviting is the height of rudeness...if invites have been sent out then fair enough, but if, as i guess is the case it is that she said oh yes, you can all come, but then said, actually, we've done our sums and we are not able to invite children, two weeks after the initial invite, that does not seem out of the way. like many have said, i guess it depends on how much notice she gave that the wedding was 'child-free' and also the way in which she said it, but it seems a real shame to fall out about it and pulling out of being a BM rlatively close to the wedding is likley to be the cause of the end of the friendship.

Sassybeast · 23/11/2009 11:14

Irritated - it was a bit of a weird situation - I wasn't expecting to be asked to be a matron of honneur because she was marrying a friend of ours and I only met her when she started dating him, but it turned out she had 7 bridesmaids anyway so I think she was going gor some sort of record for bridesmaids

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:16

My sister married late in life and it would have meant another 20 odd children coming to a wedding of 50 guests that was already stretching a budget.
The venue she wanted couldn't accomodate such a bulge in numbers and she really couldn't leave anyone off the list. How then to make numbers?

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2009 11:16

yanbu and neither is your dp
so he's expendable - nice!

whifflegarden · 23/11/2009 11:17

YABVVVVU OP.

This has nothing to do with the wedding being childfree/child friendly.

You knew a long time ago that children wouldn't be able to come. You should have told your friend then and there, that you would not be able to participate if you didn't find childcare. You could then have left it up to her to decide what to do.

This situation is entirely of your making and I think would be very poor form for you to drop out now.

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:18

That is a hell of alot of brides maids! You would have looked like the Von Trapps.

Original poster
annoyingdevil · 23/11/2009 11:18

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. It wouldn't be leaving the DCs for 48 hours - it would be requiring babysitters for 2 nights.

We'd have to find someone to stay over the first night as we'd be setting off at 7am

and then someone else for the night of the wedding.

and yes, I really don't have family close by or friends - we moved out of London for DP's job.

Think, I'm just going to hire a cottage (near to the venue) for the weekend, and leave DP there with the DC. We can't really afford it, but I don't see any other way out.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2009 11:18

WhiteRoses, do you not think it's rude to invitr someone vebally & then uninvite@?

TheFallenMadonna · 23/11/2009 11:21

Can't you go by yourself? Hiring a cottage seems a bit much.

OrmIrian · 23/11/2009 11:22

Well irritatedme, she could have chosen a different venue could she not? If it actually mattered that she couldn't invite kids? If she didn't want them anyway (which is entirely her choice of course) she could at least have been honest rather than saying it was impossible.

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:22

Could you just explain this to your friend perhaps? see if your DP and the kids could come to part of the day?

Why the whole cottage thing? Can't you just leave at 7am that morning yourself and then return home to the DP and DCs the next day? Or if you are really strapped then just leave at 7am, don't drink and return that night?

DandyLioness · 23/11/2009 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pennies · 23/11/2009 11:23

YABU.

IrritatedMe · 23/11/2009 11:24

She wanted that venue as it was special to her and her DH and she could afford it.

mrsbean78 · 23/11/2009 11:30

Ordinarily, I would say YABU. I had children at my wedding but understand why others choose not to, and would feel it is ultimately the bride and groom's decision. However, in this circumstance: a) you are a bridesmaid; b) she should realise you are under financial pressure due to the redundancy and c) she initially told you that there would be children invited. Asking you to leave your partner at home to mind the children is extremely unfair when you are travelling away to celebrate the weekend with her. In that case, I think she is BU, and overestimating how much she can expect from you due to the role.

WhiteRoses · 23/11/2009 11:30

Stealth - I don't know. It just doesn't sound to me like it was a proper invitation, more like she was chatting to her best friend, getting carried away, planning her dream wedding..? Then did her sums and had to be realistic.

"You can have all the children of your close friends and realatives but you may have to choose not to invite the person who sits four desks away from you at work, your mate's sister who comes to the pub with you once a month and your parents old next door neighbours!"

OP lives two hours away from Bride. Bride has no children. How well does Bride actually know OP's children? Maybe Bride is closer to someone she sees every day at work, or someone she sees once a month, etc.? My best friend has a one-year old daughter, and, while I love my friend and am very fond of her daughter, I've met the little girl about three times, so would NOT have her at my wedding if it meant I couldn't invite my parents' next door neighbour, who was just lovely to me growing up, and who I'm much more fond of... Is that unreasonable?

RockBird · 23/11/2009 11:32

You see, some of you are still trotting out this line about if children come then x and y can't come. Someone please explain to me how that works. Adult = person. Child = person. All of you saying that having children would have limited the number of guests, presumably children aren't 'real' guests then? Are they not as important? Do they not count as proper people? No one has actually had the nerve to come out and state that they don't count children as worthy guests and why. Surely you make a list of your top 20 or 60 or 100 or 1000 people to have at your wedding and if 15%, 20% of those are children then hey. Is your absolute best friend in the world's child who you see every week less important than second cousin Renee who you last saw when you were 12? I don't buy that.

I appreciate I'm like a dog with a bone here but I really don't understand this attitude. Of course you can do what you want with your wedding but no one so far has convinced me it's anything other than bridezilla-ish.

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2009 11:32

but by that reasoning you would invite a friend's DP if you didn't really know him/her. But of course no-one ever does that!

StealthPolarBear · 23/11/2009 11:32

wouldn't sorry