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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a friend's 13 year old is dating a 17 year old is wrong?

129 replies

FleetMummy · 22/11/2009 15:22

She has just turned 13 and her boyfriend is 17.

To me this is just wrong for so many reasons.

My friend has accepted it because she says that if she doesn't her daughter will date him in secret anyway. A stance I understand.

I just wondered what other people thought?

OP posts:
woowa · 22/11/2009 15:24

YANBU! The thought scares me. So young to enter what could be a very physical relationship. eek!

IrritatedMe · 22/11/2009 15:24

I think it might be illegal.
My DB once dated a very mature 14 year old when he was 17. It nearly broke my mum with worry.

Its definitely a worry.

SixtyFootDoll · 22/11/2009 15:26

That is a big age gap at that age.
I would not be happy if it was my daughter but I think your frined is right in some ways.
Difficult one.

TrillianAstra · 22/11/2009 15:26

Do you remember being 13? A 17 yr old would be soooo exciting.

The thing to tell said 13 year old is, he can't be very popular/cool/interesting/clever or else he'd be able to get a girlfriend his own age.

ShinyAndNew · 22/11/2009 15:27

A bit different, as I was 17, so much older. My bf was 26. My mum hated it and tried her best to get me away from him. Result? I moved in with him.

Your friend is right. Objecting willm more than likely be pushong them closer together.

However, it is very, very wrong of a 17 yo to want to be in a relationship with a 13yo. Can your friend speak to his parents, in confidence. She should also be talking about sex to her dd. Outlining peer pressure and the pressure he might put on her, as well safe sex and making sure her dd feels she can trust her enough to talk to her if she does feel pressured.

monkeyfacegrace · 22/11/2009 15:27

I got with my boyf when I was 13 and he was 16, we were together and happy for 5 years, so Id say dont judge as everyone is different!

IrritatedMe · 22/11/2009 15:28

I don't think it is a case of judging - I am fairly sure it is illegal.

Not sure how to check though.

peggotty · 22/11/2009 15:29

I had a 17 year old boyfriend (my first) when I was 14. I think it depends on the personalities of the boy and girl involved as to how 'dangerous' it could get. In my case it was a very chaste, sweet relationship. Although we're talking nearly 20 years ago!

SixtyFootDoll · 22/11/2009 15:31

I would be illegal to have sexual intercourse

argento · 22/11/2009 15:32

Only illegal if they're having sex. Better for the mum to accept the situation so she can keep an eye on things.

IrritatedMe · 22/11/2009 15:33

That is the point sixtyfootdoll - teenagers are well known for their self restraint in the face of temptation.

Thandeka · 22/11/2009 15:36

Yup only illegal if they are sexually active- but remember that includes sexual touching (eg. boobs or fingering)

The age differential may be something that would flag CP concerns.

forehead · 22/11/2009 15:46

I personally wouldn't want my child to have a boyfriend at the age of 13. This however, is coming from someone who had her first boyfriend at the age of 23.
I do think that some 14 year old girls are very mature and mentally this couple are probably the same age,but if they have sex , it is illegal.
Your friend needs to speak to both of them and set out some boundaries.

Oblomov · 22/11/2009 15:46

Why wrong. what could be wrong.
my only only regret in life was that I didn't date a 17 yr old , when I was 14. After I 'got off with ' him at a party. thought he was too old for me. I think I thought he would want to do things I wasn't sure if I was ready for.
Then I went for years and years without a boyfriend.
your concern is irrational.
he may want to. you don't know that. she may want to. you don't know that. stop jumping to conclusions.

piscesmoon · 22/11/2009 15:47

It depends on the boy. A lot of girls are more mature. You have to be careful. I have a friend who dated a 21yr old when she was a schoolgirl of 16. She had no end of problems from her parents. They have now celebrated their Silver Wedding Anniversary and have 2 lovely, mature, adult DDs. They obviously knew they were right for each other and the age difference is nothing now. Just banning it could lead to the very problems you want to avoid.

Oblomov · 22/11/2009 15:48

Thad, is it illegal to have aboy touch your breasts then. I didn't know that. I just thought it was penetrative sex.
I had snogging and breast fondling = groping, pre 16.

Oblomov · 22/11/2009 15:50

whats illegal ? an age gap ?
how can that be illegal ?

Oblomov · 22/11/2009 15:52

are you posters who are claiming illegal, like 'iritated', are you sure of your facts . and breast touching. am I out of touch with reality here ? i find this impossible to believe.

ImSoNotTelling · 22/11/2009 15:54

I think that any sort of sexual activity with a child ie under 16 is illegal.

But in practice no-one is going to prosecute a 14 year old boy for putting his hand up his 14yo girlfriends top.

If the boyfriend was 50 then they might take a different view.

pointydogg · 22/11/2009 15:55

depends a lot on the individuals.

I don't imagine I'd be very happy if it were my dd.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 22/11/2009 15:57

I don't get the point that 'they will do it anyway' - I can sort of see it if they're 16 but not at 13.

At 13 foster dd will not be allowed to go out with someone that much older than her - and I will enforce it by knowing where she is at all times (same as now in order to keep her safe). She wouldn't be allowed to go to his and he wouldn't be coming here - it is an inappropriate age gap.

And I'm pretty bloody sure that SS would remove her if I was incapable of keeping her safe at 13

WoTmania · 22/11/2009 15:58

I think YABU and judgey.
You don't know him. He might be a very sweet 17 year and she might be a mature 13.
It might be purely cerebral at the moment. They might do nice things like go to the cinema, go on long walks,sit and chat for hours.
Why jump to the conclusion that it is a sexual relationship and therefore wrong?

ImSoNotTelling · 22/11/2009 15:58

Mind you presumably in my example they could also theoretically prosecute the 14yo girl for engaging in sexual activity with a minor ie her boyfriend.

AuntieMaggie · 22/11/2009 15:58

I wouldn't be happy either,but then like someone else I was 13 when I started seeing my 16 year old bf and was with him for a long time.

pigletmania · 22/11/2009 15:59

I would not be happy with it at all, but i thought that only sexual intercourse is illegal.