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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a friend's 13 year old is dating a 17 year old is wrong?

129 replies

FleetMummy · 22/11/2009 15:22

She has just turned 13 and her boyfriend is 17.

To me this is just wrong for so many reasons.

My friend has accepted it because she says that if she doesn't her daughter will date him in secret anyway. A stance I understand.

I just wondered what other people thought?

OP posts:
argento · 22/11/2009 16:00

Any sexual activity with a person under 16 is illegal. Obviously a consenting relationship between a 13 and 17 is unlikely (though not impossible) to be prosecuted, but I think a 10 and 17 year old, or 13 and 25 year old would be for example. Two 14 year olds groping each other certainly wouldn't be prosecuted.

piscesmoon · 22/11/2009 16:03

I don't think that you have to jump to the conclusion that it is sexual. Lots of 17 yr old boys are shy and don't have a lot of confidence. He may well be intimidated by 17yr old girls who tend to be more mature than boys at that age.

monkeyfacegrace · 22/11/2009 16:05

I think the whole age thing (i.e waiting till you are 16) is more guidelines. I was totally ready to have sex when I lost my virginity, have never regreted it, but I had peers at 17/18 who were not going to be ready for any sexual activity for quite a few more years!

piscesmoon · 22/11/2009 16:09

Exactly, monkeyfacegrace-I was one of the late developers-the important thing is not to be rushed into something that you are not ready for. The mother in question seems to be doing the sensible thing, it is important to keep communicating. Stopping it will make them resort to secrecy-or at least that would be my fear.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 16:34

I totally agree with trillian

I would say the same to my own dd of 14 if she wanted to date a 17yo

why would a 17yo be interestd in a 13yo (apart from the obvious), this is a very large age gap at this time, why doesn't he have a gf of his own age ?

when my dd was 13, there was a 16yo boy rather pestering her on MSN, phone etc

he was a "problem" boy who had been in trouble, rather aggressive, known for hanging round with younger kids and virtually shunned by his own age group

rather sad for him, but no way was my dd going to be drawn into something

we made her block him on MSN and a word was had with him by my DH to stop calling. We tried to explain why we could not condone it, she really didn't understand our concern, said "he was always alright with her" etc, caused lots of arguments but she was still very much below the age of being able to make an adult decision IMO

it fizzled out after a few weeks

he tried to show his face again recently, but was warned off again

AnyFucker · 22/11/2009 16:38

the other thing I would say is

when we warned off this boy, I had no fear they might pursue a relationship in secrecy

because I would always know where a just-turned 13 yo girl is and there would be no opportunity (unless she bunked off school, but that would soon come out)

PoppyIsApain · 22/11/2009 16:39

This IMO is wrong, when i was 13 i had a 16 year old boyfriend who kept trying to force himself on me. To big an age difference at 13

harleyd · 22/11/2009 16:44

i dont understand how you think you can always know where a 13 year old girl is
my parents thought they always knew where i was at 13
they hadnt a clue really

katiestar · 22/11/2009 16:46

Not sexual ?!!! A boy of 17 is hormones on legs!

LaDiDaDi · 22/11/2009 16:46

I would definitely agree that this is too big an age gap, I find it hard to see a situation where a boy of 17, that much older than the girl, doesn't hold a lot more power in the relationship.

At 17 he is also much more likely to be able to access alcohol, cigarettes, cars and drugs than a 13 year old would as well as the obvious concerns about a sexual relationship and all of it's possible consequences.

I would definitely speak to this boy's parents and clearly warn him off whilst telling the girl that the relationship is inappropriate. If they had sex or engaged in any kind of sexual activity for which he was prosecuted then he would be on the sex offenders register with huge implications for the rest of his life.

I struggle to see how the risks of such a relationship outweigh the benefits for either of them tbh.

Original poster
FleetMummy · 22/11/2009 17:22

Thanks everybody. I don't "think" they are sexually active. And if they were then my friend would be straight onto the police.

I don't know why a 17 year old would want to be dating a 13 year old, though I can see why it would be appealing the other way round.

Thanks for all your opinions.

OP posts:
Ladyanonymous · 22/11/2009 18:01

Under the age of 13 she won't be considered "Fraser" competent but the "age gap" guidelines are more than four years would be investigated whether consenual or not and hes very likely to try and "groom" her which would be very easy for him as PPs have said he has access to alcohol and ciaggarettes.

IMO it does not sound very healthy.

brimfull · 22/11/2009 18:06

It is weird imo.
If it was my dd I would be having chats with 17yr old and putting the fear of God into him if he tried anything.

foxinsocks · 22/11/2009 18:07

I think you can only judge knowing the children in question.

I went out with a 17yr old when I was 13 but looking back, we were around the same emotional age as he was quite immature and I was quite mature.

smokinaces · 22/11/2009 18:09

When I was 14 I was dating an 18 year old. He was 4.5 years older than me.

There was no problem with the age gap. My parents knew. He drove a car, I was allowed to go in said car with him and stuck to my curfews.

We had the normal 14yr+ fumble and snogs - but in fact it was him that refused anything more (he wanted to wait until I was 16, but like most teenage romances it fizzled out 3 months later)

My parents probably werent ecstatic about it, but their acceptance of it, their respect to me and my decisions meant (and still does) a great deal to me. It meant I respected myself and their boundaries too. (I dont remember ever having to lie about where I was going, or who with, or ever being back late or anything)

So IMO YABU.

colditz · 22/11/2009 18:10

I had a 17 year old boyfriend when I was 13,we did do 'sexual touching' and it was great. I was 13, not 9!

Fibilou · 22/11/2009 18:11

Wrong and could involve a lot of illegal activity if they do anything other than kissing

Fibilou · 22/11/2009 18:12

"I think the whole age thing (i.e waiting till you are 16) is more guidelines"

Erm, not in the eyes of the sexual offences act - it's in black and white there

shonaspurtle · 22/11/2009 18:13

My db started going out with my sil when she was 14 and he was 18. I look back now and think crikey, but at the time they were two such sensible teenagers it didn't occur to me (I should imagine sil's mum wasn't exactly ecstatic though).

I've no idea how physical it was at that stage, knowing them both I very much doubt anything happened.

Anyway, they got engaged when sil was 19, been happily married for 10 years

colditz · 22/11/2009 18:18

Bloody hell, it's no wonder teenagers are so secretive if everything they would actually like to do is viewed as "wronng"

WhatNoLunchBreak · 22/11/2009 18:25

From a detached pov I think YANBU; if the age gap concerns you, then it concerns you - those are your feelings.

But, when it comes down to it, this is your friend and her daughter's business, not yours. And they are just as entitled to their opinions as you are. So, if you were to act on your opinions, then I would say YABU.

Fibilou · 22/11/2009 18:28

The OP wasn't suggesting she was going to do anything, just wanted to see what other people thought.

Prunerz · 22/11/2009 18:30

Where I grew up, this was essentially normal. (Highlands)
Personally I think it depends on the people involved.
I am sure there were a lot of unhappy parents around but it's not always sexual. There's such a wide variation in 13 yr olds, and 17 yr olds, in a way that there isn't in 24 yr olds, for example.

monkeyfacegrace · 22/11/2009 18:31

Fibilou, obv its in black and white, but the chances of police getting invloved with a 13 and 17yr old couple are tiny. Me and my ex didnt keep it a secret, my dr put me on the pill at 13, he stayed the night at mine etc. No blue sirens for me, and as smokin said, Ive never ever lied to my parents.

nooka · 22/11/2009 18:40

I wouldn't go down the "just accepting it" line for anything my children did that I felt was very wrong, because to me that's not good parenting. A just 13 year old is very young and vulnerable, and needs parental support and guidance. So I think that there are two man optiosn. They would both start with having a long talk with the dd about the boyfriend, and the problem of the age gap. I'd be totally straight with saying why I had a problem, ask her how she would feel about going out with a nine year old to illustrate the gap, what sort of things she has seen older teenagers doing and how she feels about that etc, and most important what she and the bf like to do together, how he treats her, whether they hang out with his friends or with hers or do things on their own etc etc and the impact that might have on her. Ideally I'd like to have a similar chat to him. Then the choice is to say no and enforce it, or to say yes and monitor it. Where I have seen the later work, the family have tended to adopt the bf, got to know his family at least a bit, and made sure that a fair bit of the childen's socialising has been in a family setting, so that dynamics can be observed.

I guess there are two scenarios, the predatory older boy wanting to lead the younger girl into trouble, and the boy that is either a little immature and finds girls his age unapproachable, or perhaps just wants a simpler relationship without sex, drinking etc which he thinks the girls his age are mad for.

I had a friend at university that dated a 16 year old (he would have been 20 or so). We were absolutely horrified, and to this day I have no idea what the appeal was except for the puppy dog eyes. I don't think relationships with big age gaps when children/young people are rapidly growing up are on the whole very healthy.