to think a friend's 13 year old is dating a 17 year old is wrong?

[FleetMummy]

She has just turned 13 and her boyfriend is 17.

To me this is just wrong for so many reasons.

My friend has accepted it because she says that if she doesn't her daughter will date him in secret anyway. A stance I understand.

I just wondered what other people thought?

'I don't understand how so many parents throw up their hands and say they don't know what their teenagers are up to

it is called simple discipline'

This does depend on the DC that you have! I have just been reading the autobiography of a very respected member of the community. She was a much loved, only DC with a strict mother. At 14 yrs she kept clothes and makeup with her friend. She set off from home to a venue approved by her mother, in her mother chosen clothes and alice band. She met friends-went to a disco, got changed in the loo. At 9pm she got changed back, washed her face, left the clothes for friend to take home and caught the bus back to have a nice chat with her mother about her 'approved' evening. I admit it is more difficult now that most DCs have lifts and mobile phones. You can't be certain. I couldn't have done it-I wasn't brave enough to have done it! I also wouldn't have wanted to-most likely you have a DC like me. I certainly knew DCs who were quite devious-and they had lovely but strict parents. It is to do with personality, not discipline.

erika, what you say is very scary

and might be true for some 13 yo's

but no 13 yo of mine is going to get the opportunity and that is a fact

I suppose she could do it behind the bike sheds at school ? I am not naive, but tbh, if you give em too much unsupervised freedom then they will push the boundaries because they can

a 13 yo is a child

if they are precocious and sexually-forward for their age, then they have a problem, and often that problem is because their parents don't even register that they can have any influence on the choices that their kids make

no 17 yr old of mine is going to go out with a 13 year old

tbh I do think it depends on the circumstances that these kids know each other.

In my own case, I was at boarding school, and everyone knew and was friends with everyone, so it wasn't uncommon for younger girls to have relationships with older boys. And this school was in South Africa and was deeply religious so for the most part none of the relationships were sexual ones.

But we esentially all lived together on the school campus and had lots of very meaningful friendships which in some cases turned to relationships, and then back to meaningful friendships when the relationship ended.

One of the sixteen year olds I went out with when I was 13 was one of my best friends throughout my school life and I would say possibly ever.

I was 14 and went out with a 19 year old. Something i regret because i wasnt ready for it, but reality is that teens from 13 are talking about sex and a fair few even going ahead with it. by age 5 it isnt unusual at all for a teeen to have lost their virginity.

13 is too young though to be dating. Somekids have to learn that themselves though. I did, nothing my parents said or did stopped me and i did the secrect thing anyway.

that was by age **15 but i am sure you realised that

actuallly pm I think mobile phones make it easier to deceive parents than when we were children.

Because when we were kids our parents knew our friends' phone numbers and could call to varify that we were there. Now children have their own mobiles and parents ring those instead, so easy to say that "yes, I am at x' house," and there's no way of knowing.

I have always known where my DS are (or at least I think that I do) and I am a fairly strict parent, but I am conscious that I have had it easy and they haven't been much bother. I have friends who have excellent parenting skills but they are tested to the limits! It is largely luck-not discipline. Even within the same family you can have a sibling who is lovely, and never gives a moment's concern, and a sibling who is a problem. You can't make a blanket ruling on OP, you would have to know the DCs.

"actuallly pm I think mobile phones make it easier to deceive parents than when we were children."

That's so true - I was on the bus a few weeks ago and there was a teenage girl and her boyfriend sitting in front of me. Her mobile phone rang and she said " I'll be home soon I'm just leaving girls name's house - see you soon".

She then proceeded to snog the face off the lad and then got off at the next stop.

Ime relationships involving older boys and 13yo girls can be destructive and controlling.
Whilst a younger girl may be 'sexually charged', what they lack is the ability to control their emotions and make rational decisions. Very often intense teenage relationships can take over their whole life and effect their ability to recognise the importance of other things, such as education or family bonds.

I wish that my mother, certainly, had done more to prevent me becoming so involved in a relationship that I became consumed by. The decisions that I made whilst with my boyfriend had implications on my education and limited my career choice.

Of course I appreciate that not all teenage relationships are like this. But it happens a lot. Very few teenage couples go on archaeological digs or visit libraries unfortunately, MorningPaper

I agree that totally banning the relationship could be counter productive, but I would want to know where a 13yo dc was all the time, and have the final word on whether the amount of time they spent together. I would have objections to them spending lots of time alone in her/his bedroom, for example.

morecrack, brilliant post thankyou

because I understand where you are coming from (I remember being 14, you see...), this is why I could be seen as being quite controlling of my dd's life

but until she is mature enough in her head (not her looks..and not her hormones) then I need to know where she is and what she is doing

my own parents gave me a key for the front door at 14, didn't show much interest in where I was and who I was with

not good

I turned out OK, but more by luck than judgement

Ime relationships involving older boys and 13yo girls can be destructive and controlling.
Whilst a younger girl may be 'sexually charged', what they lack is the ability to control their emotions and make rational decisions. Very often intense teenage relationships can take over their whole life and effect their ability to recognise the importance of other things, such as education or family bonds.

I wish that my mother, certainly, had done more to prevent me becoming so involved in a relationship that I became consumed by. The decisions that I made whilst with my boyfriend had implications on my education and limited my career choice.

Of course I appreciate that not all teenage relationships are like this. But it happens a lot. Very few teenage couples go on archaeological digs or visit libraries unfortunately, MorningPaper

I agree that totally banning the relationship could be counter productive, but I would want to know where a 13yo dc was all the time, and have the final word on whether the amount of time they spent together. I would have objections to them spending lots of time alone in her/his bedroom, for example.

So good I posted it twice, AF

I thought my eyes were crossing for a moment there

Well, I met DH when I was 15, almost 16 and he was 20. He was completely 'normal' but we liked each other and started dating. He absolutly never attempted to pressure me into anything, in fact, when we finally 'did the deed'it was several years later and at my instigation. We have been married over 27 years and together for over 30. I guess it depends on the people concerned, however, I would wonder what any 13 year old is doing having a romantic entanglement. I don't have a problem with the age gap as such. OTOH, I know of one couple who met when she was 13 and he was 18. They have been married for over 60 years now. It is the Queen and Prince Philip. So maybe sometimes these early /young romances do work out.

I fail to see any comparison with the Queen and my own dd, being brought up where she is and attending a fairly rough comprehensive school

the pressures and expectations do not bear any similarities

lovely story sayhow, but a big difference there is even between a just-13 yo and an almost-16 yo

You know, it's not that long ago that many a 13-year-old would be married and probably PG. Just-pubescent girls were often married off to much older men and expected to put up with it. So it's a bit silly to insist that a 13-year-old is still a child, when she may be both physically mature and mentally so. As to the particular relationship, nobody on MN knows the teenagers concerned, so it may be dodgy, it may not be, but either way it's up to the teens' own parents to sort it out.

my first boyfriend at 14 ,was 18.I was mture, he was very sweet and immature, no sex took place.At 18, i started seeing a 30 year old. we are now happily married with 3 children.

A long time ago people/societies did all sorts of things that we might regard as being terrible now. So what if girls were being routinely sold off and then effectively raped by older husbands who had total power over them? I fail to see any relevance of that to my children, or children like my children today. In some parts of the world children of 13 (and younger) have to look after their younger siblings through being orphaned, work long hours in sweat shops, are prostituted or made to be child soldiers, but that doesn't mean it is good for them.

Of course the only people who can judge the healthiness of this scenario are the parents involved. All we are doing here is commenting on the scenario. When it comes to my children I won't be saying well your great-grandmother had children at 14 after an arranged marriage so that's fine for you - I can just imagine how they would react if I did!

I agree nooka

nooka Mon 23-Nov-09 00:20:21

"Of course the only people who can judge the healthiness of this scenario are the parents involved. "

not even sure of this one tbh

when my MIL in her late teens got involved with a man some 17 years her senior, her mother took it big; she was so convinced that her daughter's life was ruined and that she would be exploited by this man that she subsequently refused to attend their wedding

it was a very happy marriage

but relationships with the ILs were, understandably, a little uncomfortable

SGB 'You know, it's not that long ago that many a 13-year-old would be married and probably PG. Just-pubescent girls were often married off to much older men and expected to put up with it'

This is totally irrelevant. Girls today have choice, they are the masters of their own destiny. In fact they have so many opportunities that until they are emotionally mature they need to be guided by their parents.

I missed out on so many of my opportunities because of my all consuming teenage relationship. I didn't go on holiday with my friends, I spent all my time with my boyfriend, I skipped college to be with him and refused to consider universities outside my home city so as not to leave him. And then, at 17, he dumped me.

I refuse to let my dd become a part of a relationship like that, and a relationship between a child and a young man has the potential to become this way more than, say, one between two 14 year olds.

13 is too young for any sort of relationship beyond a weekly cinema date or a meal at Pizza Hut imo.

FWIW most 17 year old boys would find it odd too.
DS1 was helping at a disco at school at the weekend aimed at the younger boys. The children attending were aged between 11 and about 13. DS and his friends are 6th formers.

One of his friends was chatting with a group of the older girls there and DS1 was telling us how everyone mocked him mercilessly .

Most 17 year old boys would not reagrd this as ok i think

Morecrack. I too was heavily involved at an early age. Started seeing my bf when I was only 13 and we lasted until 16, he was the same age as me though but I completely blew my education because this relationship was all consuming. (Went through the horrible experience of an underage termination, it was the 70's) I was heartbroken when we split and it took me a long time to get over it. I then went of the rails trying to heal my broken heart. I honestly think this relationship had a huge effect to the detriment, on my life.

Lot's of DD's friends are 'in love' atm. Their facebook posts constantly declaring it etc. So even though DD is 15 and a half now and home all the time, I'm glad in a way. She is doing well at school and focussed on other things. Just met a mum of a peer and the first thing she asked me was did DD have a boyfriend. Er no

Morecrack: Oh I agree completely that the selling of young girls into marriage was (and is - sadly it still goes on) completely wrong. My point was, in evoluntionary terms, the idea that sex/marriage should be delayed after puberty has been reached is a relatively recent one and it's not unreasonable of teenagers to feel sexual desire (contrary to the attitude of some people that any sexual feelings in under-16s are evidence of either moral degeneracy or abuse).
And it's a touch unfair to assume that a 17-year-old male must be a sex-mad wierdo. He might be physically quite immature still and the relationship betwween the pair of them may well be nothing more than spending time in each other's company and perhaps holding hands. we don't know.