to think a friend's 13 year old is dating a 17 year old is wrong?

[FleetMummy]

She has just turned 13 and her boyfriend is 17.

To me this is just wrong for so many reasons.

My friend has accepted it because she says that if she doesn't her daughter will date him in secret anyway. A stance I understand.

I just wondered what other people thought?

blimey this seems a bit of an over-reaction to me too

I was 14 when I started seeing a 25 year old - our dads were friends and he was rather immature

He may have touched beyond my trainer bra

We got married when I was 18

TBH it depends on the boy/man

'I had a friend at university that dated a 16 year old (he would have been 20 or so). We were absolutely horrified, and to this day I have no idea what the appeal was except for the puppy dog eyes. I don't think relationships with big age gaps when children/young people are rapidly growing up are on the whole very healthy.'

The person that I know was the 16yr old and her husband was the 21yr old student. It seems laughable at the age they are now with almost 30 yrs of mariage, good jobs and 2 DDs at university, that there should have been so much fuss. I didn't know her at the time but it soured relationships with her parents. All 17 yr old boys aren't 'sex on legs' some are really shy and lack confidence. You can't make any assumptions without knowing the young people involved. For example my friend's son didn't believe in sex before marriage (he was well into his 20's and not living at home)his sister quite openly went on the pill at 16yrs so it wasn't upbringing. Everyone is different.
I would have him around to the house a lot and get to know his parents. I laugh a bit at the person who thinks that their 13yr old can't be secretive-there is always a way if they are determined.

There is a huge variation when it comes to 13 yr old girls some will be still very much children and others will be very much young women. Same goes for 17 yr old boys too. Most will want everyone to think they are sexualy experienced but not all will be. He maybe a later developer and not ready for the type of relationship a 17/18yr old girl will expect. Maybe there is just a spark between them neither can explain?
I can see on the surface you would be concerned but each situation will be different. Not all 13 yr olds are innocent children and not all 17 yr olds are sex mad. Although I appreciate that a fair few of them will be....

at the age of 14, i dated a 20 yr old. we moved in together when i was 19 and when i was 23 we had our first baby and got married. I am now 34 and we have 3 children

It isn't always a negative thing.

What do they do together? (despite what a lot of people think they will do...) What do they have in common?
Seriously, with such an awkward age gap they can't watch a 15 film together at the cinema. A 13year old surely can't be out as late/stay up as late/go to places as far afield as a 17 year old.
Does the 17 year old not have important exams and then soon college or university? Is it going to last?....
These are some of the things I would want to know.

I would also speak to my daughter and pointedly ask her why she thinks a 17 year old is interested in a girl a lot younger. As lovely as my dd is, and as cruel as it may seem, it needs pointing out.

I would also get to know the 17 year old boy really well and say the same to him. Would also hope the relationship ends fairly quickly. Would also make sure my daughter was up to speed with pregnancy/STI info etc. Would try to be as open with her as possible but would not like it, not ONE LITTLE BIT...

I wouldn't like it, and luckily I haven't had it but I think that you have to handle it right. Stamping on it may not be 'right'.

This is what I did with my ancient boyfriend when I was 14 and he was 25:

• go to church and various christmas rallies
• much snogging etc.
• write each other love letters
• go rock-hunting on Dartmoor
• visit old mines (he was an expert)
• go to drives to National Trust properties
• bottle digging
• small archeological digs
• researching old maps in libraries all over the country

The most illegal thing we did was occasionally digging on land that was probably private

Not VERY illegal really

Wasn't I BORING?!

At that age relationships generally are short lived aren't they. At 13 I fancied someone new every other week!!

missed opportunities morningpaper, missed opportunities.....

I was 15 going out with a 19 year old, we never did anything highly sexual, I didnt want to a was subborn and had the will to say no, he dumped me pretty quick. I was also 17 goign out with a 22 year old, we have bene together 10 years now.

I think parents know their own children well enough (i hope) and hopefully bring their daughters up to say no, if they want to, I know its not all paretning, peer pressure is a huge thing too.

I would not be happy if either of my DDs dated a boy at 13, but what can you do? Personally mine would be grounded, and be having serious words with that boy too.

But 13yo girls should be innocent young girls. It is very very sad that they are not, and that they are involved in adult activities, and involved with much older partners.

I would really discourage my Dd from being involved in such a relationship.

I would speak seriously with her about the inappropriateness of the age gap and the fact that she was much younger than him, and what that means. I would set very strict limits on when she could go out, with who and where. After all is 13y IS a child, and is, and should be, under the guidance and supervision of a responsible adult - and to encourage such a relationship IMO does not go well with the role of a parent.

I would speak to the boy involved seriously about the above too. I would make it very clear that any form of sexual relationship was illegal and that he could be in serious trouble for doing anything sexual with a 13y child, and how that could affect his future - having such a record.

If they insisted it was going to happen I would also be speaking to his aprents. I would be ensuring that they knew that I was not happy about it and that they were not to be alone in his bedroom, etc and under no circumstances to be staying overnight, etc. I would expect the other parent to realise that the girl was still very much a child, especially in the eyes of the law, and to treat the relationship as such.

But I wouln't be encouragig it at all.

And yes, some relationships like this last. But IMO it doesn't make it right. A 13y should not be having grown up relationships. A 13y should be enjoying childhood with children their own age.

homicidalmummymaniac - mind you, I did learn a fair amount about rocks...

Oh and once I met Agatha Christie's daughter because she let us do an archeological dig in her grounds (house overlooked the River Dart).

When I think about it now, it does seem a bit WTF?!

My parents were just glad I wasn't going out with trawlermen...

I seriously cannot imagine why any 20 odd year old would want to date a 14yo at all. Why would an adult want to date a child?

Loads of 14 year olds are mature - either mentally and/or physically

When you think about it, lots of MODELS are 14... (or they were ten years ago, probably not allowed so much now)

I don't think being a model makes a 14y mature though. Many models are not mature and many are very vunerable, even when over 16y.

I have come across an awful lot of 14y over the years working as a teacher. Many think they are mature but scratch the surface and the majority are not at all. Most are still very much children, just in adult like bodies and with adult like appearances. The majority just can't deal with anything beyond the simple stuff, and so many are still at a very vuunerable stage in life with so many hormonal changes going on, clouding their judgements and feelings.

I have yet to come across a truely mature 14y - in that I mean a 14y who can behave, act and feel like an adult in a variety of situations.

I have however come across a lot of 14y who think they are adults and grown up.

I think I may have to agree to disagree with people on this.

In my eyes a 13/14 year old remains a child. And I find it very sad to think that a 13/14y is not actually enjoying having a childhood, and wanting to be involved in adult ives at such tenger ages. Very sad.

But there may be a mature 14 year old and a rather shy/immature older chappie

It's not necessarily always bad news

It is probably old-fashioned of me but I wouldn't be letting my 13 yr old date anyone, regardless of age. To say the girl would date him in secret shows the girl possibly has too much unsupervised freedom IMO. (Unless the boy is at the same school?)

The posters saying "I started dating my bf at 13 and we got married at 18" are not doing anything to sway me - it may be ok for lots of people to do that and I'm sure they are happy with their choices but I would be sad if any if my dcs got married so young, especially if it curtailed their education. Sorry if that offends anyone but it is not what I want for my dcs. I do appreciate that they may go off and do just that but I will try to help them to make good choices.

So at what age does a larger age gap become acceptable then? At 16? At 18?
I met dh when I was 16 and he was 24. I was mature and head strong and looked slightly older, was able to get served in pubs and get into clubs back in the days when they weren't hot on ID. He had just finished university and was we were working in the same restaurant weekends/holidays. We were friends to start with, into same music and it sort of developed from there. We are now married with 3 dc been together nearly 15yrs. My parents had the "chats" with me and questioned his motives. I think they thought it would fizzle out so never pushed for me to end it.

13 is totally different to 16. I really wouldn't have called myself a child at 16. My parents would have been more worried by the naughty things I got up to at aged 14 and 15 which they didn't know about....

Ah well I AM now divorced from hubby #1 so marrying young was only something we did because we didn't believe in sex before marriage

But my point is, our relationship wasn't A BAD THING, it was rather lovely and sweet and he was a lamb, really.

17yr olds can be much, much, younger than their years.You have to be careful-most likely it will fizzle out- but they could be members of your family, in the future, for the rest of your life! Some people do meet their life long mate at a really young age. A 4yr age gap is a lot now-it will be really common in a few years time. Now that my friends are in their 50's it looks ridiculous that it caused such a fuss! They also proved everyone wrong. I don't think that it is a good idea but stamping it out could be the wrong way to handle it, depending on personalities. I remember having friends at school who were very devious with their parents and the parents had no idea.

This is a tricky one, i wasn't dating boys/men with an age gap that big when i was 14 but i was fully taking care of myself, earning money, feeding myself paying rent and still getting myself to school and registered with a gp, so yes 14 year old can be very mature when they have no choice, i turned down a friend who was 25 who came onto me when he was tipsy it was fine, i just said no and we chatted for several hrs then we went to bed (same bed nothing happened)

Well, I think there is a big difference between a 13y and a 16y, in many ways.

nancy, I am absolutely with you

I know where my 14 yo dd is. She is not allowed inappropriate freedom

just because she might look older/more mature than 14, does not mean that she is

I suppose she could be getting up to no good on the walk to/from school and at the shops with her gf's for 2 hrs on a Saturday afternoon, but I doubt it

other than that, she is a homebody, and that is just the way I like it (for as long as possible)

I have a 15 year old and I can say hand on heart that I know exactly where she is 24/7. She is also a homebody. In fact I have to bite my lip to not put pressure on her to go out.

I also know that she has never been kissed . Think I will put the flags out when it starts happening .

Teens vary not all are out running wild and having underage sex.

Saything this a 19 year old boy wanted to take her out when she was 14 and I was keeping a very close eye in the situation. She decided not to go out with him as she couldn't understand why a 19 year old would be interested in a girl much younger.