to think that if you can't swear when you're in labour....

[wook]

I am really wondering about this one...
Here's the context: Was in labour with 2nd dc on Sunday and in a lot of pain.
Had a very long, scary backache labour with 9lb 9oz ds 4 yrs ago which ended in bad tear, broken coccyx and lots of bottled up fear for if there was another big baby next time!
On Sunday, labouring with dc2, I had been going for a few hours in pool and was feeling good, but then v worried to be told only 5cm dilated, as I was stuck at 5, then at 7cm for hours on end in labour with dc1. Started to be scared and asked for epidural, so had come out of pool and was lying on bed, in agony, waiting for anaesthetist. Anyway, midwife on next shift came in and was writhing about in agony- mum (birth partner) said to me to calm down, and I said 'but I am in f**king agony!!!!'. The midwife then said 'We'll have less of the language thank you very much'
I was really cross. Was it really so unreasonable to let loose with the f word in labour???? Surely if there was ever a time or place where you may be forgiven for losing your normal grace and dignity it would be mid labour????
But it has bugged me ever since- should I have been more dignified? Or was the midwife out of order? I am surely not the only person to ever swear in labour. Or am I??

I don't swear at people. I use swear words, when talking casually to my friends. I wouldn't dream of swearing at work. I don't imagine nursing staff enjoy being sworn at. As I said previously, my mother found it unacceptable. I would find it unacceptable if one of my clients swore at me.

All I said was that I didn't think it was on to swear at your birth partner or the MW, and that I didn't see how getting stressed, sweary and full of adrenaline would actually be beneficial to anyone. Is that really so contraversial?

I wonder whether the midwife in question had actually been through labour herself?

With no 1 I was told to be quieter and that if I put as much effort into pushing as I was into moaning I'd have given birth already. Just what you want to hear 20 hours in....

I remember using the f word quite a lot when they tried to send my husband home (was induced and apparently wasn't in labour ENOUGH to be allowed to stay in the delivery suite and had to go to the ward and my husband had to go home - leaving me completely on my own when in labour for the first time). Suffice to say the f'ing and blinding worked and they conceded and let me stay. Just as well as 2-3 hours later apparently I was in labour ENOUGH.

Pleased to say no 2 was much better. I was also allowed to 'do what felt right' - it was much more relaxed and not being told off or made to feel troublesome by midwives made it a much more present experience. Not that that entices me to do it a third time!!!!!

I know I said 'shit' once or twice and maybe threw a 'fuck' in there, but it is just not my personality to be rude to somebody I don't know who is helping me so my expletives were not aimed at the MWs. I don't think it's acceptable behaviour to directly insult a MW, although it's understandable if your labour is especially bad and you feel frustrated by how they're handling the situation. You can't be expected to behave with your usual reason and sense of decorum when in labour. I remember asking for an epidural too late (I didn't want one so I held out for as long as poss.) and the MWs didn't offer me anything else instead, so I asked for another shot of diamorphin and she seemed slightly reluctant but if she had refused me, I still don't think I would have sworn at her - I would have begged and pleaded!

Despite my bouts of swearing and biting on my DP's hand during the latter stages, I do think there is something to be said for trying not to react against the pain and working with it instead. I could handle the pain more easily when I focused on my breathing and visualizing and the fact that this wasn't going to last forever. When I let the pain get to me and lost focus, I was writhing around the bed in agony and that's when I was swearing and yelping and sobbing. It only worked me up more and the pain seemed more unbearable.

YANBU. I think the OP's midwife is unrealistic to expect women not to swear during such a frightening and painful experience; in a job like hers you have to accept the diversity of people and not impose your morality.

"I don't swear at people. I use swear words, when talking casually to my friends. I wouldn't dream of swearing at work. I don't imagine nursing staff enjoy being sworn at. As I said previously, my mother found it unacceptable. I would find it unacceptable if one of my clients swore at me."

but the op swore while talking to her mum. Shes didn't even really swear at her mum. It wasn't aimed at the mw in any way so I don't really see what you're getting at.

I was talking about lots of the people on this thread who did swear at the staff.

Did anyone else see the QI episode where the story was told of the Russian spy got caught after years of fluent German speaking because she shouted out in Russian during labour?

Doesn't that prove you have no control especially during transition.

I swear a fair bit and don't give a if people get offended - I don't insult people or swear at them. Apparently I didn't swear in either of my labours but kept calling for my Mummy and apologising to people. I remember none of that.

OP - YANBU and the midwife needs to wise the up

Definitely NBU and big congrats. I think the thing that is most unreasonable about what the OP's MW said was how intensely fucking patronising it was. Honestly - 'we'll have less of the language thank you very much' - did she think she was speaking to a 10 year old?!

Personally I swore less during my 9 hours of labour than I do normally; only said fuck twice but was told off for grunting and therefore "wasting all my energy in my throat"

I managed to get right to the end before yelling "I CAN'T FUCKING DOOOOOO IT" to which the room full of people chorused, "yes you can!" a la Bob the Builder.

YANBU what so ever fucking sodding pissing bastard ever! I was told not to swear or shout during labour by several MW and i actually told them "Do i look like Tom Cruises fucking wife?Do i look like i follow Scientology?When you have a child coming out of YOUR vagina who is back to back then we'll talk about the swearing and screaming issue,but until then......FUCK OFF!" I made 2 MW's cry with that comment.At the time i did'nt care as I'd spent 23 1/2 hours in labour when they told me i shouldnt of even let me in labour at all and whisked me off to theater for an emergency c-section!

i shouldnt of even been let to labour that long soz my quick typing grammer is crap.Georgi id like to point out that when staff actually make a point of saying dont swear it gets peoples backs up especially when they have a difficult labour like mine was and its comments that make people swear when in labour.I have 10 friends who are MW's and they have all said that they worry if people dont swear in labour as they were told when they trained in their profession that swearing helps labouring women to concentrate better and to releive stress.

YANBU at all.
My friend got congratulated by the MW for only using the F word once.
Some people have said how they didn't feel that swearing in labour would achieve anything. Fair play to them, I certainly hadn't the presence of mind to carefully weigh up the pros and cons.
It's an occupational hazard that you may get sworn at when you're a midwife - they learn it on the first day of midwife school. They may also see blood - labouring women can't help bleeding either. If you don't like it don't do the job. Be a gardener - plants don't bleed or swear.

Georgi, your mum was not a MW. MWs should have a thicker skin and expect people to lose control and say all sorts during labour.

I don't think calling someone a cunt etc is very nice but the odd f word is not the end of the world.

I don't remember swearing, I think I was too terrified. It was an easy birth. 15 hours 10lb 3oz baby boy but had epidural early on so was chatting between contractions which MW had to tell me I was having.

I'm now 20 weeks with second and planning on trying only G&A (Oh God WHY?) so if I do swear, I hope its a good one and no one takes offence.

Sorry if this has already been said - but can you swear when you are in Conservative?

Georgi i would like to point out that i have read every single post on this thread and you ave pretty much attacked everybody with shitty comments and throwing the fact that other ladies on this thread swore in their labour.Maybe that's why everyone is getting there backs up.

When I worked as a mw I did not take any of the swear words used personally. Labour hurts!!!

I used to describe giving birth to husbands by saying take hold of your top lip. Now try and pull it over your head. Imagine the pain you would go through.

And to be honest, nothing hits the spot like the f word.

Oh, congratulations to the op on the birth of your dc.

Hope the OP is o.k, she hasn't been back on here for a while. She's probably exhausted with the new baby.

Hope you're all o.k, Wook

I was told by my middie that I "did really well" as I was "on top of the pain". I think what she meant was I didn't scream or shout at anyone.

In hindsight I wish I had. I think I would have been able to cope with the whole experience much better if I had sworn. Also the bloody anaesthetist would have known to bloody hurry up and get the fucking epidural in.

Next time I will definitely go for it and will be nice to no-one.

I'm not a midwife but I do have to deal with patients in extreme pain - the only time I tell them to stop swearing is when they swear at me ' you fucking bitch, you're breaking my fucking arm ' etc.

I have frequently suggested to other patients that they should have a swear if it makes them feel better. If you are any good at your job as a health care professional, your major concern is the wellbeing of your patients, not your own delicate sensibilities.

i'm sweary (is that a word!?) in labour but always apologize after

if someone did tell me when in labour to refrain from swearing i would take no notice and carry on if not more that before!

my way of coping

i think most women are fine its just when we hit that fecking transitional stage that it kicks off.....

off to brood over that coming up in the next 5 weeks

had just got into delivery suite and was somewhat unaware that it was all happening really fast. Thought I needed a poo blah blah. Anyway, I'd been on my tod as midewives handed over. New midwife comes in and introduces herself just at the point of transition. I didn't swear at her but did snap 'I don't care what yr name is.. yr not my friend'

Twas all over after another 5 minutes. Was v apologetic and embarrassed for being rude afterwards but she just laughed it off and assured me no offense was taken

yanbu OP

I was fine during both labours untill the transitional stage. I cannot remember swearing with dd2 but DH says I swore a lot. I do remember telling the midwife thaty helpfully sugested I stop growling or I'd make my throat sore that I didn't give fucking flying fuck about my fucking thoat.

see its that horrid tran stage

I am so relieved it's not just me!!!!

Anyway, I did get a change of midwife because I refused to have the 'language' one after that, and the new midwife who came instead was amazing. The thing was, I did not want to shout and swear, but the attitude of the midwife just totally infuriated me and made a bad situation- ie losing the feeling that i was on top of the pain- much, much worse, by filling me full of fury and adrenalin!

I cerainly don't think it is ok to be sworn at at work, but there are some jobs where it does happen-I'm a teacher and have worked in some tough schools and have heard virtually every swearword under the sun- maybe I have got a bit too used to it, but swearing just doesn't always offend me. I think context is really important. Asking a student politely to put their mobile phone away and getting 'fuck off cunt' as a response is one thing, a woman in labour saying a few f words here and there is surely another!

And when it comes to trying to bf through cracked nipples..... !!

Definitely not just you! I didn't swear, I barely spoke other than to let out a moan every now and then. I was too beyond pain to swear IYSWIM? When it was over the doctor said, "honey, you didn't even cuss me out!" from which I took the idea that most laboring women had.

On the other hand, last night I walked into a wheelbarrow in the pitch blackness of my backyard and shrieked "Sonofawhoremothereffingbitch!!!!!" So, there is that. I did scrape my knee up quite badly though.

YANBU She is in the wrong job fgs, my goodness how petty, being a Midwife you expect that kind of thing all part and parcel of the job.