to think that if you can't swear when you're in labour....

[wook]

I am really wondering about this one...
Here's the context: Was in labour with 2nd dc on Sunday and in a lot of pain.
Had a very long, scary backache labour with 9lb 9oz ds 4 yrs ago which ended in bad tear, broken coccyx and lots of bottled up fear for if there was another big baby next time!
On Sunday, labouring with dc2, I had been going for a few hours in pool and was feeling good, but then v worried to be told only 5cm dilated, as I was stuck at 5, then at 7cm for hours on end in labour with dc1. Started to be scared and asked for epidural, so had come out of pool and was lying on bed, in agony, waiting for anaesthetist. Anyway, midwife on next shift came in and was writhing about in agony- mum (birth partner) said to me to calm down, and I said 'but I am in f**king agony!!!!'. The midwife then said 'We'll have less of the language thank you very much'
I was really cross. Was it really so unreasonable to let loose with the f word in labour???? Surely if there was ever a time or place where you may be forgiven for losing your normal grace and dignity it would be mid labour????
But it has bugged me ever since- should I have been more dignified? Or was the midwife out of order? I am surely not the only person to ever swear in labour. Or am I??

Well perhaps the midwife interpreted the situation as I did. In any case I didn't see any need to swear and scream. I don't see how it is of benefit (and yes I have read the link claiming it does) - shouty/sweary/angry behaviour gets adrenaline going, and adrenaline is the enemy of good birth. But that's just my view.

wow I wish I knew how it was possible not to let loose a teeny bit - after a really long second stage with a babies head wedged somewhere halfway up and no apparent end to it all (this came later in the operating theatre) I found my abilty to remain polite and calm distinctly compromised!? And as my partner is a Dr and I have worked in lots of jobs where I'm sworn at I am usually uber-polite to everyone helping me.....

Like you, Georgie, I didn't swear during childbirth. And unlike you, I hardly swear under everyday circumstances. But everyone handles birth differently. If the mw interpreted it as you did, I think that's very unreasonable and a wrong interpretation - at the very least her professional experience should have taught her to treat each birthing mother as an individual.

Nickelbabe, being a native speaker of German, I have too agree our swear words don't seem expressive enough - did not stop me from using them abundantly when giving birth in the UK. The midwives mostly did get what I meant, though, apart from one. (The only one I didn't like, funnily enough.)
During birth of DD2 I did tell them all to lick my behind (funny Germans do lick instead of kissing it), partly triggered by said midwife standing right next to my head and telling my in a sing-song that I would have a lovely baby soon.
Afterwards, she complimented me on being so lady-like - DH still makes fun of me.

With ds, I said "where the fuck is Dr A?" - cannot remember for the life of me why I even wanted to see him, as the whole water labour thing was clearly too late... What was much worse, for me, and which makes me cringe, is when the MW was telling me they might have to turn me over from hands and knees if ds proved to have shoulder dystocia, as apparently I wasn't in a good position - I kept teeth clamped to G&A, turned head and hissed "It's FINE. I've RESEARCHED it". It makes me blush still... Thank fuck I didn't say I read it on MN.

I passed the odd stool during labour but when I was asked by the midwife had I been constipated leading up to labour I couldn't decide whether to laugh or be embarrassed.

Strangely enough although I think a woman in labour is perfectly entitled to swear - I really don't think I did. In all three births I did alot of mooing and groaning (loads of mooing for the home birth especially!).

I mainly used a lot of 'Oh my goodness, Oh my giddy aunt and Gordon Bennetts!' I might have said said 'flaming nora' as well, not sure...

ROFL at Osmama - and also eeewwww! Funny, I always assumed that swear words only have power if you're a native speaker - a German friend of mine (very ladylike, polite and lovely) used to say that the F word in English could mean 'teddy bear' as far as she was concerned, but that she'd never use it in German.

I think it is very hard to swear effectively in another language, even if you are otherwise fluent.

benandoli as a teacher you may be used to not using profane language at work but most school staff hear a fuck of a lot of it

SOH that is a fab story brilliantly told, it's made my afternoon!

I agree, Georgie - I'm a confident (not fluent) linguist and have never really bothered learning swear words for that reason. I always think it sounds odd hearing foreigners swear in English - unless they're as fluent as a native speaker. (Hmm...having said that, the BNP are native speakers but the quality of English in their policy documents wouldn't get them past some of the EFL exam boards...!)

As if women in labour haven't got enough to contend with, judginess-wise, now apparently it is out of order to swear when in colossal pain.

The interesting thing about that is that different people use different words - my grandmother's strongest swearword AFAIK was blast, which she used to show extreme emotion. Presumably she would have been out of order for using that as, to her, it was swearing.

Or do people also have a list of "acceptable" and "unacceptable" words that can be used. What about forrin swearwords - if no-one is likely to understand then does that make it OK.

I think as long as your're just swearing and not swearing at someone its fine. That said the first one I told DH to fuck off and remember with a couple of them saying shiiiiiiiiiit for the crowning. I don't think I swore other than that. I'm very apologetic instead so probably said sorry a fe million times each time.

I didnt even swear at the mw who shrugged her shoulders at me when in prem labour with dd. I went and hid in the corridor and cried instead

YA so not BU in any way!!

Bloody hell, you were in immense pain & scared of you course you were swearing - I'd have told to fuck off had she said that to me!

I'm a bit like that bronze. My midwife told me I had a low pain threshold. I apologised to her when I saw her on the ward afterwards.

Yanbu
I didn't swear on ds but I did swear at a lady on dd she saw me in labor walking and she started panicking run over and asked if I would like a wheelchair and I said no thanks I am only in labor, stupid women started shouting I can see that for gods sake get in the wheelchair and then grabbed hold of me at cc peak.

At which point I grabbed her jumper and said quite calmly apparently I mm having a Nice calm birth and you are really fucking it up stood there panicking trying to take fucking control it is bad enough the fucking mw doing it without pissing strangers to so will you go and take a fucking hike and leave me alone.

But that was the only time I swore or grunted the rest of the time the gas and air mask could not be pried off my face for any vocal sound .

mw are human too one swore at me once she said after a sweep 'Go home and have a good bonk none of this namby pamby stuff she said I am talking about you need to be well and truly fucked to high heavens, would you like me to tell your partner that you need a real good seeing to? that will get this baby moving' I was stunned it certainly took my mind of the sweep.

I was totally silent with my 1st DC and freaked the mw's out as they were used to women moaning/mooing/swearing like troopers!

With DC2 I was incredibly loud, mooing/moaning/and yes a bit of swearing. The mw's took it all in their stride and encouraged me to not hold back on making the noise.

I kept apologising and worrying about scaring the other mum's and the mw's view was that if listening to me was the worst that happened to them then they should count their blessings!

YANBU!

I remember when I was just going into the delivery suite with DD, I was about 4cms, the woman next door screaming like she was being murdered - the MW must have seen the look on my face as she said 'Don't worry, her baby's just about to be born it's quite normal'. I ended up screaming in a similar way just before DD was delivered!

YANBFU. I have just surprised myself by swearing so little during 3rd labour (I think I just told DH to shut the fuck up when he was being "encouraging") but spent most of the 2nd stage with the first 2 doing nothing else but swearing and apologising. The only difference I can think of is that I didn't want to waste the G&A breathing time with this one, whereas when I had had an epidural before I had a bit more breath. Every mw I've met has been quite happy with swearing, most of them saying they know that's when you're really trying to get the baby out so it's a good sign.

And laughed at the thought of being "dignified" in labour, not sure how I could achieve that when 4 people were forcing my legs into stirrups and talking to me like I was a naughty 5 year old.

I think if the midwife found it offensive it is fair enough for her to say something but to say it the way she did as if she is scalding a child is just going to get the 'offenders' (for want of a better words) hackles up. Birthing mums in hospital feel out of control enough as it is without MWs controlling the words that come out of their mouth. Maybe a few kind words and a polite request to be careful of your language due to other patients would have been more appropriate. I was yelling using a few choice words for my DS1's birth (and yes smarty linguist ladies it did help this base human being deal with the moment) and my brilliant MW advised I might want to channel that energy into pushing. It helped because it centered and focused my efforts.

Oh and congratulations on your new baby OP! Hooray, I hope it helped you heal a bit after your horrible first birth experience.

Think i used some pretty juicy language myself - by dc4 i pre-warned the midwife so felt entiled to say what i wanted.
Even with a straighforward home birth there were still moments when i felt out of control - which i think is very normal.

I think to get all mimsy and prissy about a situation where a woman is experiencing possibly the most scary, frightening and painful time of their lives, and to expect then to maintain a standard of decorum more suited to when buying a sofa is ridiculous. A midwife is there for the patient, a bit of fruity language is just part of the job really.

And that is not even talking about what you might say when off your head on gas and air and/or pethidine...

What goes on in a delivery suite should stay there. For a midwife to take offense is for them to putting themselves at the centre of the action, not the mum.

I would imagine that some jobs you have to expect that coarser language might be part and parcel. Army, builder, midwife. Goes with the territory I reckon.

Oh god no YANBU. Thanks to gas&air I was Gordon Ramsay between contractions. I just thought it was hilarious and had no control at all over the language that came out. I repeat this is between contractions.