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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's just freaking WEIRD to express gratitude to a father for being at his dc's birth?

230 replies

megapixels · 07/11/2009 14:42

A mum I know said she got her partner a gift and card to say thank you for being at their child's birth. Is it just me that thinks this is really odd? She said she is grateful that he wanted to be there, because many men don't bother . They are together by the way, he is not an ex.

Isn't it a sad world when men are expected to be useless dickheads and they get cards and gifts for being normal? Wouldn't any father want to be around when his child make their arrival, to want to be one of the first to see them, even if it's just to sit outside the ward (if they're squeamish or something). Whatever next, a father getting thank you tokens for attending school shows or parents consultations? For spending time doing family activities?

AIBU?

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 07/11/2009 14:45

Aw she probably just feels all loved up due to sharing such an amazing experience together! I know I felt similar after having dd.

And lots of men don't want to be there. She's probably grateful hers did!

Give them a break you big meanie

Original poster
megapixels · 07/11/2009 14:47

Oh am I overthinking it then!

OP posts:
pjmama · 07/11/2009 14:48

I wouldn't get my DH a present for being at our DCs birth, but he'd sure as hell get a hard slap if he wasn't!

I know some men can be really squeamish about it though, so maybe he's one of them? Perhaps the gift was really just to recognise that it was a big deal for him to get over it and be there to support her? Or perhaps she was just a big bag of hormones having just had a baby and was feeling very sentimental! Hard to say, not knowing their personal circumstances.

No harm in a gift, but I don't think that it's the norm. I think the expectation these days is that Dad should be present.

JemL · 07/11/2009 14:48

YANBU.

I was at a party recently, where there was a couple expecting their second baby. The husband was being really smug about the fact that he wasn't going to be at the birth. HIs wife kept saying it wasn't fair to make him be there if he wasn't comfortable with it (although she did have the air of someone trying to convince herself as much as anybody else) I was pregnant at the time, and pointed that we had no choice but to be present at the birth - quite frankly, I'd rather be anywhere else - and to let men off the hook just because they didn't physically have to be there was a real cop-out. My DH would never have missed his DS's births, and it certainly would never have occured to me to thank him for it!! The only exception should be if the mother doesn't want the father there, for any reason - other than that, no excuses!

OrmIrian · 07/11/2009 14:51

What is wrong with expressing gratitude for support at a potentially traumatic time?

diddl · 07/11/2009 14:51

YANBU.
I also think it´s wierd.

FFS, I had to be there at the birth.

I couldn´t respect a man who couldn´t be there or thought it would put him off sex after.

Imagine if women said that´s it, they´ve had a baby, no more sex!

It would be "you´ve only had a baby, it´s natural"!

Sorry, ranted a bit.

belgo · 07/11/2009 14:54

'I couldn´t respect a man who couldn´t be there or thought it would put him off sex after'
I agree with that diddl, Dh had to be their for me, and he had to be grateful to me for doing all the work! I got the gift from dh

littleducks · 07/11/2009 15:00

hmm, i think it was a bit over the top but maybe he was really helpful and supportive and she just wanted to express how much she did appreciate it (especially if she shouted/swore at the time)

Perhaps she is just more of a hallmark person than most

PyrotechnicToadstool · 07/11/2009 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 07/11/2009 15:11

Oh leave them alone, they are in that little baby bubble where everything is still fluffy.

It is a bit odd, but hey I do lots of weird shit.

plantsitter · 07/11/2009 15:11

I think it's quite nice. Yes, he ought to be there, but that doesn't mean you can't say thank you for doing a good job, does it? DP was so much more supportive than I expected and in ways I hadn't even thought about when I was having DD. Wish I had got him a present/card now.

Also, it's none of anyone else's business really. I feel a bit sorry for your friend who was telling you about a nice gesture she made and has had scorn heaped upon her!

ib · 07/11/2009 15:21

I think it's lovely of her. Dh was always going to be there, but I was really grateful at just how incredibly supportive and generally perfect in every way he was - he seemed to anticipate my every need while being totally unobtrusive.

As someone who is used to being the person in the spotlight I doubt it was particularly easy to sit in the support role all night - and having everything spotless by the morning and a huge breakfast with every craving I had had during pg but hadn't been allowed was probably above and beyond the call.

I should have got him a present (he got me one) - but given that we were two days from Christmas I just didn't get round to it. Or maybe my Christmas gift was it - we don't usually do gifts for Xmas and that year I did.

dollyparting · 07/11/2009 15:31

Well I think it's odd that there are lots of threads on here about Mums getting a present when they give birth (and quite a lot of complaining if an expensive present isn't forthcoming).

But if people want to give each other something to express their love / appreciation / whatever, then that is nice.

diddl · 07/11/2009 15:36

Well, when i´d just given birth to our baby, I assumed that was enough!

sweetnitanitro · 07/11/2009 15:38

I gave DH a present when DD was born (from her) so that he didn't feel left out when I DD got showered with gifts and attention after the birth. It was not a thank you for being there though, there's no way he would have missed it (even if he'd wanted to )

lolapoppins · 07/11/2009 15:40

I think it was Gordon Ramsey who said he didn't attend his cjildrens births as it woulf put him off sex. Knob.

My dh was there for ds birth, which was by elective cs. I would have actually prefered him not to be, as I prefer to focus about the job in hand as it were with no distractions, alone, but he wanted to see his child born, and be one of the first people to hold/see him, so I resepected that.

We are thinking about another baby though, and dh will prorbaly not be there for that birth, as someone will need to be with ds (no family or close friends) and he will be old enough to know whats going on and will need dh there to reassure him that I will be ok (if my next pg is anything like my last it will be another worrying 9 months all round for everyone). DH is fine with that, while he would love to see another child of ours born, ds has to take priority. Lots of people have said to him that that is very strange, and he would be wrong not to be with me, but thats how it will have to be. So, the lost point was that there are often other reasons why men don't attend a birth of their child.

diddl · 07/11/2009 15:46

sweetnitanitro

Have I read that correctly?

You gave your husband a present?

So that he wouldn´t feel left out?

juuule · 07/11/2009 15:49

So he didn't feel left out?

Speechless.

InMyLittleHead · 07/11/2009 15:49

Gordon Ramsey puts me off sex.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 07/11/2009 15:55

Sweetnitanitro, are you married to a 3 year old?

Op, I don't think there is anything wrong with a gift given in appreciation of her dh's support.
Fathers who choose not to be at the birth a whole different issue.

sweetnitanitro · 07/11/2009 15:59

It's not like he would have thrown a strop otherwise, I was just being nice and I thought it would be cute if he had a little present from the baby. Jeez...

Bathsheba · 07/11/2009 16:02

My DH wasn't at DD2's birth - he collapsed in the room I was labouring in, had a fit and needed an ambulance - whilst he was at A&E I was taken into theatre for an emergancy section.

He also won't be at DC3's birth - after the complications I had with DD2 I need an elective section under general. The fact that its a general means he will not be allowed in theatre.

So I understand fully how someone would be thankful for their husband being there. I also cannot agree that men who aren't there are somehow "wrong" or "wimps".

InterruptingKid · 07/11/2009 16:02

mega oyu are right she is mad

moondog · 07/11/2009 16:05

People who are expecting babies or have new ones are just utterly naff in every way, in the same way as women due to be married are.
Hence all cringe inducing talk of 'The Birth' 'The Nursery' 'The Wedding' 'The Bride' 'The Honeymoon' 'The Bonding' 'The cotton wool' 'The Nappies'.

They should all be kept in gated communities.

moondog · 07/11/2009 16:06

I don't actually think blokes should be at 'The Birth'. (Mine was at one, absent for t'other)
It's humiliating enough as it is and an emasculating experience for 'The Partner' (like the average Western male needs any more virtual castration than he has already been subjected to over last 30 years.)

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