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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's just freaking WEIRD to express gratitude to a father for being at his dc's birth?

230 replies

megapixels · 07/11/2009 14:42

A mum I know said she got her partner a gift and card to say thank you for being at their child's birth. Is it just me that thinks this is really odd? She said she is grateful that he wanted to be there, because many men don't bother . They are together by the way, he is not an ex.

Isn't it a sad world when men are expected to be useless dickheads and they get cards and gifts for being normal? Wouldn't any father want to be around when his child make their arrival, to want to be one of the first to see them, even if it's just to sit outside the ward (if they're squeamish or something). Whatever next, a father getting thank you tokens for attending school shows or parents consultations? For spending time doing family activities?

AIBU?

OP posts:
nattiecake · 07/11/2009 16:11

My other half would throw a strop in that situation. he sulked the entire way through his nephews birth that his brother was getting more attention than him!!!

He is 26.

diddl · 07/11/2009 16:17

moondog

Wha´s humiliating?

PerArduaAdNauseum · 07/11/2009 16:19

what morloth said. Not what sweetnit said.

Naetha · 07/11/2009 16:21

What's wrong with showing a bit of gratitude for someone being supportive of you when it would be so much easier (and nicer in many ways) for them to have buggered off to the pub?

You're miserable gits the lot of you.

seaglass · 07/11/2009 16:41

My dh had no choice - it took both of us to be there to make the baby in the first place, and if I couldn't duck out of the birth bit, neither would he!

I did have my MIL in tears hanging onto me before the first birth saying "Oh you will look after him won't you? It's going to be so terrible for him, so traumatic!" - the thing I remember most of the 10 hours of indescribable pain was dh reading a magazine and chucklingly trying to read me the funny bits - didn't seem traumatic for him at all - he didn't get a present!

diddl · 07/11/2009 16:45

Oh seaglass, sorry but that made me chuckle.

Is your husband a PFB?

Flamebat · 07/11/2009 16:46

I could just see what would have happened if DH had even hinted at not being at the birth...

My mum and Psycho gave DH chocolate as a "congratulations on your new baby" thing, but not a well done for surviving the birth!

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 16:47

Quite frankly, having pushed his child out of my nether regions should have been gift enough.

CitizenPrecious · 07/11/2009 16:47

moondog please xplain- how exactly is childbirth "emasculating"?

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 16:48

"What's wrong with showing a bit of gratitude for someone being supportive of you when it would be so much easier (and nicer in many ways) for them to have buggered off to the pub?"

Because it is their place as your husband/partner to fecking well support you whilst you give birth to your (plural) child!! Their job is to support you in whatever way you want them to.

CitizenPrecious · 07/11/2009 16:49

and at seaglass's MIL.

..hope dp wasn't reading Viz

Flamebat · 07/11/2009 16:51

Moondog - My dad wasn't allowed in for my birth due to me being bloody awkward (breech - feet rather than arse first), but had been there for my sister's 3 years before... he is still upset by that now, 28 years on I don't see it as emasculating.

Kadiya · 07/11/2009 16:53

One of the worlds leading obstetritions has said that men SHOULDN'T be at a birth...it causes a higher rate of divorce and/or marital problems, even sexual issues if you aren't properly supported, and that when it comes to natural birth, most men go into "caveman" mode, and can hinder the normal processes of labour, causing long labours or ending in c-sections.
I don't nevessarily agree with that, my husband has been present for 2 of my four births (one an elective section, one a homebirth) and he has been invaluable to me, probably because we have had very open discussions about our expectations of the births.
It depends on your man, and if you want to show appreciation by giving him a gift, then go for it...presonally, hubby was very proud to have his children, so I didn't need to go there
I was interested by lolapoppins saying she didn't want her fella there during her elective section:"I prefer to focus about the job in hand as it were with no distractions".
I'm quite suprised by this...what exactly was there to focus on during the extraction of your child? When I had mine, I was glad for the reassurance of my husband, that he was the first to hold her, and meet her when I was unable to.

PyrotechnicToadstool · 07/11/2009 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lolapoppins · 07/11/2009 16:59

Kadiya - I had had a very stressful and traumatic pregnancy. The birth was a means to an end for me. I wanted to focus on gettting though it, and finally ending those strssful months and starting my life with my baby. I would have prefered to have been alone, as that is how I cope best with stress, we are all different. But I respected my husbands wishes to be there to see his child born, and so he was there.

Flamebat · 07/11/2009 17:00

Do you think it makes a difference which end your partner is at?

DH has been there for all three births, but very much in a head end only, supporting ME situation rather than witnessing small child emerging.

sweetnitanitro · 07/11/2009 17:01

Pyro- obviously I realise now I should have put a at the end of my post so that people didn't actually think I was pandering to toddler like behaviour from a 40 year old

almostreal · 07/11/2009 17:01

I'm with Moondog. My DH chose not to be at the the birth and I'm very glad he did it was for me a terribly degrading experience.

Mind you I wouldn't have given him a card for doing so, I had just removed another human being from my body I thought that was amazing enough for him.

pooexplosions · 07/11/2009 17:02

"One of the worlds leading obstetritions has said that men SHOULDN'T be at a birth...it causes a higher rate of divorce and/or marital problems, even sexual issues if you aren't properly supported, and that when it comes to natural birth, most men go into "caveman" mode, and can hinder the normal processes of labour, causing long labours or ending in c-sections."

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 17:06

DH didn't really want to be at DS3's birth - DS2's birth was enough to not want us to have another baby because he couldn't face seeing me go through that again (was one of the worst experiences of my life). He changed his mind part way through the pg but I would have been quite happy for him not to have been there

"Their job is to support you in whatever way you want them to."

and for someone women that way will be for them to bugger off and leave her to it.

diddl · 07/11/2009 17:06

Well, indeed my husband was also at my "head end", talking to me, letting me crush his hand and lean on him.

Actually gave birth on the floor on all fours, & midwives were struggling to see anything, so don´t think they would have appreciated my husband joining them even if he had wanted to.

Do many men watch the actual birth?

ImSoNotTelling · 07/11/2009 17:06

"what exactly was there to focus on during the extraction of your child?"

That seems pretty harsh.

I had to concentrate on bracing myself and deep breathing when they put the needles in the hand (scared of needles), concentrate on not moving while they put the epidural in, let the anaesthetist know where was numb and what I could and couldn't feel, tell her when the anaesthetic went too high and my arms etc started going numb, stay calm while I knew the were cutting me open and rummaging around, and while they stitched up.

Obviously it's not the same as vaginal birth but it's still a major operation which you are awake for, I don;t think these's any need to be quite so dismissive of those who find they need to focus on what the doctors are asking of them etc. Many people get very nervous about it with the spinal, will it hurt, what will recovery be like etc.

I see you have had a section so am a bit surprised that you can't see why anyone would want to be focussing on what was happening to them and staying calm and following instructions, during what is actually a very unusual (certainly not everyday) situation.

wahwah · 07/11/2009 17:08

Speechless. Dh was at both my (homebirths) supporting me, making drinks and snacks, filming the births (I wanted to be able to see what everyone else had been able to and to use as leverage in future!) and making sure everyone was looked after. That is a man's job in this situation and he didn't get a gift or card for doing his job. Bloody hell.

memorylapse · 07/11/2009 17:08

I would expect my husband to be there to offer support while I pushed a brand new human being out of my fanjo which he was 50% responsible for being there

OP,,I hope your mates DH bought her an even bigger present than the one she bought him

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 17:08

didl - DH certainly watched the actual birth of DS3 - he was most definitely at the bottom end - I even have a photo that he took as DS3 was being born (a fantastic full on shot of my huge arse)

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