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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it's just freaking WEIRD to express gratitude to a father for being at his dc's birth?

230 replies

megapixels · 07/11/2009 14:42

A mum I know said she got her partner a gift and card to say thank you for being at their child's birth. Is it just me that thinks this is really odd? She said she is grateful that he wanted to be there, because many men don't bother . They are together by the way, he is not an ex.

Isn't it a sad world when men are expected to be useless dickheads and they get cards and gifts for being normal? Wouldn't any father want to be around when his child make their arrival, to want to be one of the first to see them, even if it's just to sit outside the ward (if they're squeamish or something). Whatever next, a father getting thank you tokens for attending school shows or parents consultations? For spending time doing family activities?

AIBU?

OP posts:

pooexplosions · 07/11/2009 17:34

moondog my Dh read your comments and said "tell her that a real man can do both. And a real man doesn't pretend that the tough stuff like soothing a baby is womens work in order to get out of it. I can dig a ditch wearing a baby in my ridiculous sling, thanks very much"

So there!

juuule · 07/11/2009 17:34

"According to some of you, just having the baby alone should be gift enough."

Yes....what's wrong with that?

Guttersnipe · 07/11/2009 17:36

Nothing juule, just saying that my dh bought me presents too and I can't see why the woman mentioned in the OP shouldn't buy her partner presents as well.

ABetaDad · 07/11/2009 17:36

DW thanked me for being there but no present.

diddl - well I watched it and saw a lot more than DW and I was at the 'bottom end' I assume most men do watch. TBH there is not much else to do.

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 17:37

juule - nothing wrong with that - but what's wrong with giving another present other than the bleeding "obvious" one?

whatever floats your boat and all that.

However I am having slight concerns over my DH - I just turned round to find him with a copy of The Times between his teeth shaking his head from side to side (don't worry he's fine really - DS3 is insisting that DH is a dog right now and has to play along )

Kadiya · 07/11/2009 17:41

I got plenty of gifts during pregnancy, and a kiss on the forehead straight after deliveries (section AND normal, before anyone else gets mad at me!!!)
I don't think it really occured to either of us to say "thanks" or to give a show of thankfulness...we were just so pleased to have our kids!

moondog · 07/11/2009 17:43

My dh does both too.
He's the most domesticated man I know (I tell him I will put 'He died with a teacloth in his hand' on his grave.)

Point is,I know what part of him I like best, and it's him outside, covered in sweat and mud and oil grappling with a heavy piece of machinery.

Phwoaaarghh!!

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 17:44

ok fair enough Moondog got to agree with you there - DH went to the gym this afternoon - I nearly pounced on him when he walked back through the door

Kadiya · 07/11/2009 17:45

ROFL
Down girls

ABetaDad · 07/11/2009 17:54

moondog - it is not emasculating. Really it isn't. I can saw wood, dig ditches and watch a baby being born.

As for buying Tampax, well its DW always gets very anxious an embarrased asking if I feel OK about going to the shop and doing it but I never understand why. Its like buying washing powder.

Flamebat · 07/11/2009 17:56

I always remember my mum after DD with "" (you could hear the shock) "You sent him to buy maternity pads??? Poor man!! Why didn't you ask me?"

it is a big tissue... why would it be an issue for him to buy it?

(DH was baffled when I told him about it)

OrmIrian · 07/11/2009 18:20

Why do so many women seem to be resentful of being the ones who give birth? What is all this' the least he could so is be there' as if it's a sort of punishment. No, men can't give birth. So what? Would anyone here really be prepared to give up the fact that they can give birth to a child, the specialness that comes from that, that amazing sense of acheivement of having made a human being? I felt (feel) lucky not put upon. It was my special occasion, DH was a support act. His support should not have been taken for granted.

seaglass · 07/11/2009 18:43

I don't feel resentful at all to be the one giving birth, and as you pointed out, I would never be prepared to give it up.

However, giving birth isn't a walk in the park, so surely it's not too much to expect the provider of 50% of the babies genes to at least be present and supportive when their child makes an entrance into the world?

juuule · 07/11/2009 18:43

I'm not resentful of giving birth. I wouldn't have traded the experience for anything.
However, I would have been hugely disappointed if my dh hadn't have wanted to support me at a time when I was vulnerable. If he really couldn't have faced it then I'd have made alternative arrangements. But he also didn't want to miss the birth of our children. He was a bit uneasy with the first(as was I), not knowing what to expect. By the time the 9th was born we could probably have managed with just us 2

seaglass · 07/11/2009 18:44

Wow juuule - 9? Fantastic

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 20:39

gosh all these people saying that the man SHOULD Be there as he was 50% responsible blah blah blah.

But totally ignoring the point I made earlier than in many cultures around the world, and indeed our own until the middle of the 1900's the men had nothing to do with the childbirth. Going through labour/birth without a DH/DP partner reeally isn't a strange idea - it's actually the norm.

diddl · 07/11/2009 21:00

Well, it was the norm, but times change.

juuule · 07/11/2009 21:05

and just because men were kept out of the delivery rooms doesn't mean that they or their partners were always happy about that.

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 21:07

My husband wasn't at DS's birth. He didn't want to be and I was quite happy not to have him there. He is not a "useless dickhead" or any of the other stupid epithets chucked about on this thread. Plenty of my friends had their husbands at the birth (and they were about as much use as a chocolate tea pot, but hey ho, obviously the utility is in just being there, getting in the way) but they didn't support breastfeeding, and they didn't support co-sleeping etc etc.

I'd rather have my "useless dickhead" husband who wasn't at the birth but supported and encouraged me to co-sleep and BF DS until he was 2, thanks.

sweetkitty · 07/11/2009 21:13

DP has been at my 3 births, very much at the business end, he says it is the most amazing thing he has ever seen, to see another person coming out of me.

Far from put him off me or sex I think the shared experience brought us closer together and he definitely had a lot of respect for me having given birth.

wahwah · 07/11/2009 21:17

I think there's a big difference between arrangements each couple agree as equal partners to suit them and the idea that men have done something special if they turn up for the birth.

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 21:18

yes but given that all around the world it's still the norm for men not to attend the delivery, and many women don't mind it's not really such a big deal. We seem to have come to a state where we "Expect" the man to be there and if they're not we question why - rather than giving them a choice. Much is made (and rightly so) on women's choices during pregnancy and labour but it would seem that men are given no choice about attending the labour (well they are but if they don't they're often made out to be paraiah's (sp)

ABetaDad · 07/11/2009 21:22

Agree with Georgimama if DH/DP does not want to be there then do not force him.

When I was younger before our DSs I knew male colleagues who were approaching the birth of their DC1 with utter dread at the thought of having to go to the birth and literally green with fear for weeks before.

They clearly should not have been there and were obviously not going to be any use.

Women giving birth need a good strong birth parter. It does not have to be DH/DP.

wahwah · 07/11/2009 21:24

Well sexism and revulsion for womens bodies and their workings are common all over the world...

The issue of hoice is important, ut as others have pointed out, one part doesn't have any choice but to be present. I would be interested to hear what we think are 'good' reasons for men not to be present.

diddl · 07/11/2009 21:24

Of course they should not be forced to be there.

But sorry I have to laugh at "utter dread"-what precisely do they think is going to happen?

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