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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's just freaking WEIRD to express gratitude to a father for being at his dc's birth?

230 replies

megapixels · 07/11/2009 14:42

A mum I know said she got her partner a gift and card to say thank you for being at their child's birth. Is it just me that thinks this is really odd? She said she is grateful that he wanted to be there, because many men don't bother . They are together by the way, he is not an ex.

Isn't it a sad world when men are expected to be useless dickheads and they get cards and gifts for being normal? Wouldn't any father want to be around when his child make their arrival, to want to be one of the first to see them, even if it's just to sit outside the ward (if they're squeamish or something). Whatever next, a father getting thank you tokens for attending school shows or parents consultations? For spending time doing family activities?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Georgimama · 07/11/2009 21:25

Because he didn't want to?

Because I actively prefered someone else?

Because I don't like being dictated to by narrow minded idiots who assume my husband must be a sexist pig?

Just three reasons for you.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:26

A thought...
If my partner were carrying and about to give birth to our child, I would want to be there to support him...

seaglass · 07/11/2009 21:28

My dh was present but not 100% willingly, and certainly wasn't a strong birth partner, but there was no-one else in the whole world that I would have wanted there instead of him , and I do feel that as the mother is going to go through the pain, she should have some choice in the matter.

ABetaDad · 07/11/2009 21:30

One good reason for men not to be there is if they are psychologically unprepared for the seeing their DW/DP in pain and distress.
Some people just cannot handle certain types of extreme situations.

ABetaDad · 07/11/2009 21:31

It does not make them bad men or wimps or uncaring.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 21:33

Given the choice, I would rather not have been at the birth of my children. It was abominably painful and horrendous. I didn't have a choice though.

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 21:34

We might as well not bother ABetaDad. No one is interested in anything other than "men who don't attend birth of child are useless sexist pigs who secretly fear and despise their wives' genitals".

wahwah · 07/11/2009 21:34

I sort of imagined I didn't want dh at my first birth as I felt the need for a 'wise woman' but he wanted to be there and in retrospect I'm glad he was. I'm not sure I would have been so happy if HE hadn't wanted to be there unless I could understand his reasons and anxiety/dread wouldn't be enough-that's how I felt too. If t had been a problem of this nature then I would have expected him to seek appropriate help. However, this is my expectation of a supporti e partner- not all of us have the same template.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 21:35

"One good reason for men not to be there is if they are psychologically unprepared for the seeing their DW/DP in pain and distress."

Actually, I think that is a bad reason and perhaps the wussiest (which isn't a real word)

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 21:36

well if they don't want to give birth they do have a choice. Harsh but true. In the same way that if the father wants a pregnancy to continue but the women doesn't he has no choice in it.

I think most women who choose to continue a pregnancy after finding out realise that they will have to go through childbirth if that's the choice they make.

If we label them into useless dickheads because they choose not to be there (and there could be a myriad of reasons for them making that choice) then we're left with 2 groups

  1. The ones who attend and are actually useful
  1. The ones who attend and are just in the way

And to answer the OP's question "wouldn't any father want to be around" - no they wouldn't. Not everyone (male and female) finds the process of child birth wonderful, magicl, amazing etc etc. For many it is just that - a "process" - a means to an end, something that's got to be done if you want to hold the baby in your arms.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:36

its like reverse penis-envy. vag-fear!!

TheFallenMadonna · 07/11/2009 21:36

What if their wife wants them there abetadad? I really wanted DH. I never considered another birth partner for a moment. Had he decided he would rather not as he was 'psychologically unprepared' to see me in distress, well, that would cause me some distress.

When DH chopped up his hand in a lawnmower, I wasn't awfully keen on looking at it. But I'd have been less keen to leave him without me.

But if both partners are in agreement, that's another thing.

diddl · 07/11/2009 21:36

But from the point of view of the woman.

You´re scared, you want your partner to be there for you.

And they can´t do it.

Bit of a slap in the face.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:38

tongue firmly in cheek, in case it wasnt obvious

wahwah · 07/11/2009 21:39

And Georgimama, my comments are not aimed at your dh. I have no idea how you came to make your decisions and support for bf and cosleeping is certainly a hallmark of a mature man as far as I'm concerned.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 21:39

The one person I wanted supporting me at the birth of my children was their father. If he'd tried to wriggle out if it bleating about not wanting to see me in pain I would have lost all respect for him.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:40

cleaned up bone when my other half cut his leg open...

didnt get a baby from that yet i put up with it

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 21:40

Abeta - that's the exact reason that DH didn't want a 3rd child. He felt he HAD to be at the birth, but couldn't bare the thought of watching me go through what I went through when I had DS2. He said it striaght out to me when DS2 was just a few weeks old. And even though by the time DS3 was born our relationship was at meltdown point he was still worried sick about seeing me like that again right up until DS3 was actually born.

It was only earlier this year, after we'd got back together after the split, that I discovered just much my labour and birth with DS2 had affected him.

And he's certainly not a "wuss"

diddl · 07/11/2009 21:41

I actually feel the same, GunpowderTreasonAndDragon

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 21:45

I'm sorry but I don't see dealing with an injury as the same thing at all. The things that have just been mentioned are emergencies, where most of us - even those of us who feel sick and faint at the sight of blood - and bone is even worse especially if combined with the blood - would do something because it's an emergency.

If DH is around when the DS's hurt themselves he deals with it (and I give the cuddles after it's sorted out) - as if there's anyone else available then I let them do it.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 21:51

It's not because it's an emergency, it's because the other person needs it to be done.

I am close to phobic about vomit for example but if my children need me I stamp the fear down and get on with what needs to be done. There are some situations where personal feelings need to be put aside for another person.

If the mother really wants the father to be at the birth he should step up to the challenge and be there.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/11/2009 21:52

No. By the time we got to the hospital with DH's hand I was superfluous to requirements medically. Nothing I could do except hold the good hand and tell him that he wasn't an idiot (he was of course, but not the right time to tell him...). But he needed the handholding. And he needed me to be the one holding his hand.

And I needed that from him when I was having the children. Especially the second. DH also affected by the somewhat hairy delivery of number 1, but it wasn't all that for me either.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:52

is labour not an emergency? i think youre significantly more likely to die from it than a cut to the leg.
sorry to be morbid and probably overparanoid, but if i did die, id like my partner with me. just the same as i'd want to be with him.

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 21:52

wahwah, you were the one who said "it is a man's job in that situation" so I'm not sure how you construe that you are not making a (negative) judgment on those who were not present at births of their children. Which includes my husband.

Many of my friends have admitted (some years or months down the line) that the presence of their husbands actively inhibited the proper progress of labour because they (the delivering mother, not the father) felt stressed and anxious due to his presence. They would have been much better off with a sympathetic female friend or relation imho. The pressure that comes from the expectation men should be present damaged their experiences, and probably contributed to escalated medical interventions.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 21:54

for support.
mutual support in a loving and equal relationship.
whether its labour or man-flu.