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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's just freaking WEIRD to express gratitude to a father for being at his dc's birth?

230 replies

megapixels · 07/11/2009 14:42

A mum I know said she got her partner a gift and card to say thank you for being at their child's birth. Is it just me that thinks this is really odd? She said she is grateful that he wanted to be there, because many men don't bother . They are together by the way, he is not an ex.

Isn't it a sad world when men are expected to be useless dickheads and they get cards and gifts for being normal? Wouldn't any father want to be around when his child make their arrival, to want to be one of the first to see them, even if it's just to sit outside the ward (if they're squeamish or something). Whatever next, a father getting thank you tokens for attending school shows or parents consultations? For spending time doing family activities?

AIBU?

OP posts:
alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 21:57

no it's because it's an emergency - as I said if someone else had been available for DH's thumb when he sliced it to the bone with a circular saw, or when he smashed a fluorescent lightbulb with his head then THEY would have dealt with it not me.

"If the mother really wants the father to be at the birth he should step up to the challenge and be there."

And if the father really doesn't want to be at the birth once it's just tough shit on him then? So much for choice and equality.

Believe me - a man who is terrified of having a repeat of a previous experience is of no use at all. As the fear only goes after it's all "done and dusted". I was lucky - I talked through DS2's birth with someone (at a much later date) was had got my fears and worries out of the way. Of course at the time it didn't occur to me that he also had fears and worries that should have been addressed.

I'm phobic of wasps - if there's one in the room when I'm here with the DS's. Well we all leave the room until either the wasp has left or I've found someone to deal with it. There's no "stepping up to the plate" for me.

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 22:00

I'd hazard a guess ,that in this country at least, you're significantly more likely to die from a cut to the leg (one that goes to the bone is going to involve a lot of blood loss) than going through labour. Thankfully in this country maternal death rates are quite low.

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 22:02

well it's not "equal" if the man HAS to be there because it's the done thing despite his feelings on it.

diddl · 07/11/2009 22:02

Well, I kind of think if the mother wants the father there & he doesn´t want to, then it is tough shit to him.

When a couple decide to have children, you could say it´s tough shit that the woman is the one who gets to be pregnant & give birth.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 22:04

it was his shin, the blood loss was hardly fatal.
and just because we're a developed country, doesnt mean it 100% wont happen. my other half doesnt want to risk that.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 22:06

ps, i dont know a single dad who hasnt been looking forward to his go on the gas and air

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 22:07

No one has yet found a way to have children without them being gestated and delivered by a woman. That's not "tough shit" it's biological necessity. Don't like it? Don't reproduce. Men really don't actually need to be there.

I fail to see what possible benefit DH watching me snuff it in the delivery ward would have been to anyone. Again, would have prefered my mum, thanks.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 22:08

anyway, if you dont want the dad there, and if he doesnt want to see his newborn child, why have anyone there at all? why not give birth on your own in the labour ward? if youre so awesome that you dont need the support?

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 22:08

so when does the father start being able to make choices for himself then?

I think if a couple have decided together that they're going to have childre the woman will REALISE that she has to go through childbirth, if she doesn't want to do that - well she shouldn't really be thinking about getting pregnant in the first place.

Funny that doula's have suddenly started becoming more popular again isn't it. Something that used to be "normal" (before men we allowed in the delivery room or "expected" to be at the birth) - perhaps some women are actually realising that they don't have to have their DH/DP at the birth, they simply need a supportive birth partner.

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 22:10

How very hostile you are to anyone having a different experience or requirement to you. I found a midwife a pretty good precaution against disaster, and my mother a far better bet as a birth partner. DH was there 20 minutes later. It's not like they plan to meet to shake hands on DS's 18th birthday.

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 22:12

ahh well when you said to the bone I was thinking of DH's thumb when it met with a circular saw (twit that he was didn't follow the safety precauctions that he drummed into his students 50 times a lesson ).

Who said anything about not wanting to see their newborn child?? We're talking about giving birth aren't we not afterwards.

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 22:13

"It's not like they plan to meet to shake hands on DS's 18th birthday."

neenz · 07/11/2009 22:16

Georgiemama, if you were happy that your dh was not there, great.

But for men to say 'oh no I couldn't possibly watch that!' and refuse to be there even when their DWs want them to be there, is not on.

I think most of them just say they don't want to be there because it is the 'macho thing' to say, but all men I know, including DH and BILs, now love the fact they were there and wouldn't have it any other way, even though beforehand they probably wouldn't have been there if their wives had said they didn't need to be.

Love vag-fear btw!

TheFallenMadonna · 07/11/2009 22:16

But I wouldn't have preferred my mum Georgimama. I would have preferred my DH.

But perhaps it is because my DH is able to put aside his own fears, or perhaps just put a brave face on them, that I want him to be my support when I am in fear and pain and distress. Were he a different man, perhaps I would feel differently.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 22:17

"And if the father really doesn't want to be at the birth once it's just tough shit on him then? So much for choice and equality."

Well, yes TBH. If the mother really wants him there, her wishes trump his in this situation.

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 22:18

I see from another thread nattiecake that you haven't actually had any babies at all yet, with or without partner support. So do come back and tell us how "awesome" you were when it actually happens.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 22:19

ok. i will admit defeat as
a) i have not yet been through it
and
b) even if i were right and everyone else wrong, there is no way i can enforce it and make every man be present for the birth

i just dont understand it, thats all. apologies if it came across a tad heated and single-minded

im off now, so nighty night everyone. x

alwayslookingforanswers · 07/11/2009 22:21

my DH would still quite happily not have been present for DS2's birth.

When DO men start having a choice with the whole pregnancy/parenting thing then? Obviously not during pregnancy, now apparently not allowed a choice during labour/birth either, much of the newborn stuff is also maternal choice too (BF/FF), co-sleeping (even if the father doesn't want to I know of mothers who've co-slept in a different bed for ages).

neenz · 07/11/2009 22:21

That's a bit of a cheap shot georgiemama.

Nattiecake is just as entitled to comment as anyone who has given birth.

nattiecake · 07/11/2009 22:21

umm actually didnt say i was awesome.

oh well, i clearly know nothing do i. have fun ladies

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 22:22

I do have children.
Their father was there for 2 of the births and not for the third.
I know which was preferable.

ABetaDad · 07/11/2009 22:24

Going back to the OP. I think it is nice to acknowledge that your birth partner (DH/DP/mother/friend) went through something that is arduous and potentially very distressing with you.

I just think some posters are close to saying 'if I am going through this birth then he is going to damn well go through it as well and whether he likes it or not'. I can of course understand a woman wanting DH/DP to be there.

One of the men I mentioned earlier who was in 'utter dread' described to me afterwards in lurid detail the trauma he felt watching the midwife rush in a and push a tube down the baby's throat just after it was born (to clear fluid) while his wife lay bleeding and shattered on the bed.

I am sure that what he saw was quite routine but from his description he was traumatised. I have no doubt about it. I am equally sure he was in no way 'disgusted' by his wife's body.

Georgimama · 07/11/2009 22:25

I just think many women do not give any serious consideration to having someone else as their birth partner precisely because the current convention is that their husband should be there and if he is not that clearly (to some people) makes some massive statement about his feelings about his wife, child, and personality in general. So they feel he ought to want to be there, and he feels he ought to be there, because otherwise he is clearly a gutless shit who can't be arsed. Or something.

If the whole issue of birth partner were genuinely up for grabs, I believe many women would have someone other than their husband/partner. I'm not anti men in the labour ward. If it hadn't been possible for my mum to be with me, my brother would have been my next choice.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 07/11/2009 22:26

"When DO men start having a choice..."

No one is saying he can't put forward his feelings and wishes. The problem is that this is black and white - he's there or he isn't. there's no middle ground and really no room for negotiation. If the mother wants him there, he should be there. When is comes to pregnancy and labour the mother's wishes are paramount. Obviously it is up to her whether she goes with what she wants or "allows" the father his choice but ultimately, it is her decision that matters as she is the one who is doing it (so to speak!)

neenz · 07/11/2009 22:26

Always, I think it's got to be a joint decision, but if the DH doesn't have a good reason ie if his reason for not wanting to be there is because 'he might not want to have sex with you afterwards' then the DW's wishes to have him there for support overrides his ridiculous reason (IMO)

If DH doesn't want to co-sleep but expects the DW to spend hours each night awake feeding/rocking/cuddling a baby to sleep then I think her choice to co=sleep overrides his desire. But these things have to be a joint decision and two people who love each other and have a baby with each other should be able to come to an agreement on such things.

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