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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for resenting having to look after friends child

491 replies

Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:40

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

OP posts:
Lulumama · 03/11/2009 15:42

just say you have commitments.. swimming/ballet/seeing relatives etc etc and you just can't do it

or say no when she rings

if it is totally one sided, then stop it!

what would happen if you called her up and asked for help with your DD>

if she and her DH are working and they need childacare, she needs a childminder or au pair or nanny, not to take advantage of a kind friend

i get the feeling if it was reciprocated and not just an expectation you will help, that you would feel better

thedollshouse · 03/11/2009 15:43

This type of thing makes me quite cross, why do people assume that because you have a child that you must automatically want to look after their child as well.

Don't accept the situation because she will take you for granted, next time she asks make an excuse, you have an headache or you are meeting friends. She will soon get the message.

saythatagain · 03/11/2009 15:44

I don't think yabu. I would say that because you never know what you are doing straight from school or not you don't want to commit yourself. Its a difficult one and is very unfair of Jane to expect it - I think she's taking the piss tbo. Good luck!

violethill · 03/11/2009 15:44

Tell her you are not complying with legislation by looking after her child on a regular basis. Tell her you don't wish to register as a childminder, and therefore she needs to make other arrangements.

Tee2072 · 03/11/2009 15:45

No is a complete sentence.

'can you pick up DS and keep him on Friday?'

'no.'

Firawla · 03/11/2009 15:49

It seems quite cheeky of her just to keep asking this, especially as you said dd not happy with it and finds boys yucky so not as if your 2 kids are good friends or anything.
she seems to be taking the p, how about dont answer the phone to her for a while, then when you do just say oh sorry i have been very busy.. may give her the hint?

Original poster
Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:50

thanks lulumama, but the trouble is Jane knows our schedule better than her own!! In the beginning she took care to find out exactly how busy I am, when my dd has extra lessons etc. Now I think she did it to see if I could look after her kid. Evil thoughts, perhaps, but I really feel so put upon by this. If I've ever lied (couple of times) about going somewhere else, she grills me and my dd about it.
I don't wanna be rude, I know we have quite a few years yet in the same school and it would be really awkward for me, since Jane is not afraid to berate people and likes to bitch about others (like I'm doing now, I suppose) omg I feel stupid and helpless. And old.

OP posts:
3andwant1more · 03/11/2009 15:51

YANBU. She is taking advantage of you.

Original poster
Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:52

thanks for your support, I'm so relieved to hear that others feel it's not right what she's doing. Now if I could just grow some balls.....

OP posts:
Lulumama · 03/11/2009 15:52

look , she is n ot being a good friend, she is taking advatnage and you don't like it!

if she breaks off the friendship, she will be losing more than you , won't she?

i would say you are finding it too much and are happy to help once in a while with emergencies but not all the time and not every week

if she kicks off, then she can go and find a childminder !!

allaboutme · 03/11/2009 15:54

Can you say 'I'm really sorry but I cant today' and not elaborate why not.
If she is as cheeky as to actually ask 'why not?' then say 'I'd really rather not go into details' and change the subject.
Dont forget, SHE is the rude one, not you, so dont feel bad about being evasive!!

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 03/11/2009 15:56

Is she even a friend?? Me and a good friend have a standing agreement about pickups, and she'll call me if shes late/sick/stuck somewhere and if Im running late from work she returns the favour.
What time does she come and get her DS? Are we talkign 15mins here?

Either way she sounds rude, tell her you dont mind now and then but asits a regular thing now she'll have to pay a CM or ASC.

YOU ARE NOT FREE CHILDCARE!

postal · 03/11/2009 15:58

I find the phrase "I'm sorry I can't we're having family time" appropriate at times like this.

AnyFucker · 03/11/2009 15:59

what violethill said

you are being taken for a mug, love

sort it out

suddenly develop lots of afterschool activities that boy can't attend

alternatively, tell her she is taking advantage of you and it has to stop

mrsjammi · 03/11/2009 15:59

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mrsjammi · 03/11/2009 16:00

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ScummyMummy · 03/11/2009 16:00

Bare faced cheek on Jane's part. I think you need to start saying "No" quite clearly, tbh. I'd be tempted to tell the (partial) truth and say how unhappy your daughter is with the arrangement and that you yourself look forward to your afternoons together and having her son so frequently isn't working out. Or, if you aren't ready and willing to be so blunt claiming other commitments is a good plan, as others have said.

Crocky · 03/11/2009 16:01

Don't answer the phone.

RealityBites · 03/11/2009 16:02

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PfftTheMagicDragon · 03/11/2009 16:03

caller display would be quite apt in this situation.

Hullygully · 03/11/2009 16:07

Tell the truth and shame the devil - tell her you want to spend more time just you and dd, and then offer to have her ds for one fixed evening per week if you can't bear the guilt/do like her.

Beachcomber · 03/11/2009 16:09

Next time she asks I would politely tell her that you didn't mind too much helping out for a bit but that now she will need to make other arrangements for childcare. If she asks why just say firmly that it doesn't suit you (you don't need to give any details). If she wants to know why then personally I would do an exaggerated "lifting of eyebrows, amazed by her rudeness sort of face" and tell that it is none of her business.

End of conversation.

I doubt she will have the brass neck to say that she knows you are free at the time. If she does just repeat the 'shocked eyebrows face' and repeat that it doesn't suit you.

Do not make excuses, say you are sorry, explain why you can't, etc. Keep it short, you have nothing to justify to her.

(I have a neighbor who takes the piss out of my good nature and I have got quite good at saying no but it is hard at first.)

jellyhead · 03/11/2009 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 16:14

I think I'll start by not answering the phone. A bold step for me! And I know for sure she's going to get in a huff. To lisaad123...I usually pick up the kids around 3pm then we go home, and I feed the child a proper meal between 5 and 6, parents most often pick up the boy at half past six or so. And yes, I'm starting to see that I'm an old mug. : (

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/11/2009 16:19

3 1/2 hours free child care several times per week, tea included?

Oh boy, that woman is a price cow.

Sorry, you are being taken advantage of big time. What a bully she is.

I would just practice two sentences.

  1. Sorry I cant have your ds around.
  2. I just dont want to. It does not suit me. Bye.