for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

Poor you - I have a fairly similar situation but with a family member. Yes, you are being taken advantage of but I understand that you are a very nice person and will find it hard to simply say NO. How about suggesting that "in return for Thursday after school" (for example), she could have your daughter for Saturday afternoon (or morning if you want to really labour the point). You drop her around theirs at about 8 and maybe on Sunday too. Things may change then we she finds her family time impinged on...
And then give her childminder numbers (say, I've really enjoyed it on an ad hoc basis but I think you need to find a more permanent arrangement?
Hope this helps.
PS I can't follow this advice myself, just say Yes all the time to my nephew!

I'm not disappointed or angry that some people think I'm a troll. We all have such different experiences of life, that what seems crazy for some, may be normal for others. But I've tried to go thru my thread with a critical eye, and I bloody can't find anything that's outrageous, unless it's my own behaviour which I despise. I thought that I'd be free and relieved and light as a feather after I "finished with" Jane, but instead I'm mad at myself.
I'm going to risk digging an even deeper hole for myself by saying that the "thank you gift" of smelly fish wasn't strictly true. It wasn't a thankyougift, just that Janes DH had been fishing, caught loads,(said Jane), I said great, lovely, and three or four days later she stood at the door offering me some of this fish. Fish was smelly and slimey by then. I said thank you sooo much and then threw the fish away. What kind of loser says thank you? This kind.
I don't trust people who declare their honesty every other minute, so I'll try not to do that. It's easy for me though, cos the Jane story is (hopefully) over and I'm home free, simply because so many of you decided to believe me and give me the right advice. I'm just concerned that someone else will come along with some horrid story about a stalking colleague, a nasty neighbour or whatever, and then that person won't be believed and so on...
PLEASE tell me what's happened here before?!
I feel as if all the MNs share a secret, something that happened long before I found this place. I've tried to look at different threads and found nothing sus, except for the funny "Ultimate betrayal", but god, what if that's also true? I'm nosey and confused, but I luvs ya!

Jajas, it's so funny cos earlier I was raving to my DH about Jane and said she was a bunny boiler. And he just looked at me and said : well, luckily we haven't got any bunnies.
He's 100% sure that I'm revving up for some menopausal madness by thinking the Chinese was a prank.

Oh, God Kami don't worry about it.

Basically (as far as I can tell) there have been a fair few episodes in the past of people basically making up whole edifices of fiction that last literally weeks or months, spinning people along and getting lots of support from wellmeaning MNers. Then someone suspects, MNHQ investigates, and the person gets outed as a 'troll'. Some of the stories have been pretty heavy, including stories about domestic violence, babies who have died, really heavy stuff. Understandably people who had helped felt really stupid.

FWIW I don't think you're a troll. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't care if I am. The way I think is that even someone is a troll, the advice that they are given might be read by someone who really needs it so it isn't a waste.

Thanks, InmylittleHead. Wow. Never could've imagined anyone doing that. It's really sad, both for the poster and the people willing to give help and support. I completely agree with your last sentence. Better be safe than sorry.

I'd put good money on this not being a troll thread. If people do think it is why can't they just notify MNHQ and let them decide?

Sometimes things happen in life that you couldn't in a million years make up.

I know there are a few things going on in and around my life that many, many of you would never believe.

People like Jane DO exist.

Which reminds me... Did anyone ever get to the bottom of that OP that found someone written a thread moaning about her? I was SSOOOO hoping it was Jane... cos that thread would have sold tickets!!...but it wasn't.

Can you actually arrange a few special activities for DD this week?
e.g. girly shopping trips, observing ballet/other activity for your daughter to see if she wants to go to classes, choosing a dolly, swimming, ice-skating, girls from your DDs class over. Stuff you can mention is going on, and whether she wants him to stay with you or not, he will not enjoy.

I hate it when people shout troll just because some peoples lives do not fit a certain criteria or some problems are so different to our own experiences. Dont worry Kami i certainly think that you are genuine. These people shouting trolls can really put a new MN off. Try to forget this and dont have anything to do with Jane. I would have thrown the fish back at them btw.

Having now read entire thread, I do think this is genuine. I have met someone similar to Jane, and I think there are people out there who just USE others. Well done Kami for sorting this out!

I do read trashymagswomens weeklys for my sins and in them you do see how extraordinary peoples lives can be, and really different so its not impossible.

On the Jeremy Vile show and Trisha you can see people like Jane, who are so gobby and demanding, forceful and in your face

For the record this is the first time in 10 years on various forums that I've "called troll".

Doing so has nothing to do with either a "vague gut feeling" or that the OP's life fails to fit a given criteria or is anyway fanciful.

IMO the markedly similar style of writing (the comparison of which I have some professional experience of): the over personalising and extensive inclusion of seemingly mundane details the drip feeding of increasingly fanciful info, the constant updates and lack of resolution combined with the timings of this post in relation to the other strongly suggests that this OP is the same person who previously posted as Desolate.

As I said I reported this to MNHQ several days ago and will now bow out.

Heh heh tis true op has a very unusual typing style that is identical to Desolate's. But of course that could be coincidence. I can't imagine op will feel mortally wounded at troll accusations, she's had loads of good support here, hundreds of kind messages, the troll spotters are in a tiny minority.

Tinkerbellesmuse, I wouldn't agree about the lack of resolution. Didn't Kami come to a resolution pretty quickly?

Kami has been drip feeding as WE nosy mumsnetters have been asking her to give updates, well me and a couple of others anyway

fwiw i don't think kami is a troll, i know people like 'jane' myself. dizzy's posts screamed troll to me for a while before concerns were raised, this one doesn't.

Tinkerbellsmuse, you have a very valid point about the mundane details. My older kids are always getting fed up with me. Instead of saying: I went into town today, I go on to say which coat I wore and who sat next to me on the bus. Totally pointless info, but it's just my habit.
Where can I find Desolate? I'm naturally very curious to find someone similar. I think MNHQ can tell from IP address and email if we're the same, no?
I really didn't mean to drip feed, it's just the way things panned out and wasn't sure if I should add stuff(for example the comments Jane made.) It was an error on my part to include it, just like it was stupid of me to tell Jane about my Tena lady probs, there will always be people who then throw that info back in your face.
I hope you've heard the last from me on this thread, I'm going to try my best not to add anything further.
(it'll be bloody hard though)

kami, here is desolates thread

Oh dear its got a bit nasty eh?

Kami of course you are not a TROLL FFS , and I am pleased that this thread helped you, but to be honest this thread needs to stop now as the nastyness is going to outweigh any usefullness of the advice, does that make sense?

fwiw i dont think you are a troll either. people just should ignore posts they think are, I've followed this thread and was so pleased when you stood up to her, just keep doing the same. x

Thanks, lucykate..I've skimmed thru the thread and I'm totally baffled. First of all, how could that possibly be me? I know sweet FA about the Royal Navy. And secondly, I thought the lady was genuine, I couldn't detect any bullshit in her posts...but then I'm not known for being a good judge of character. She seemed really depressed and I think she left the thread cos she was embarrassed about not moving out..? I would've disappeared too, if I hadn't said no to Jane in the end.
If someone really has the patience and imagination to make up two such different stories, wouldn't they also make sure that the writing style didn't seem the same? Would they mention the same make of car in both threads? If I wanted to be someone else, I'd make sure that the two styles didn't match. Not that they really match, but anyway. I hope that everyone will soon find out that I'm not Desolate,(how DO you find that out?does MNHQ send an email or what?)

Yes, jajas, I was thinking that... OP told us everything apparently as it happened.

Gah, some people love the thrill of the Troll Hunt... And as for desolate and kami being one and the same??? Just DAFT!

Kami, thinking of you, hope you are getting over all this.