for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

Kami really understand how you feel having my own little "surprise" now 6. Having four older in quick succession it is just lovely to spend time enjoying the experience rather than running madcap trying to keep up. I don't blame you for being resentful.
This woman obviously managed to pick up ds when your neighbour collected dd so she can if she has to.
I would just talk about the joys of having one child and spending time just the two of you. Throw in a few don't you agree it is so nice to have time together (she'll agree because otherwise she will look like a less attentive mother)
Then say I knew you'd understand that I want special time with dd so I can't have ds after school anymore.
Then make a hasty retreat put the answer machine on and only text no sorry to any mobile messages.

I'm really glad that you wrote, Sprocket..and I hope that both of us will find a way out of this. Foofighter: What a great idea!! for a coward like me. I'm going to print out all your answers and read through them again, then decide exactly what I can get away with, without falling apart.
Btw, my Dh is no help whatsoever, he just goes "yada, yada" when I try to discuss it with him. I know that Janes DH will support her any way he can (am I jealous?maybe) and I know for a fact that they discuss absolutely everything that goes on in school, outside school etc. She even shows him every text she receives, which is why I stopped texting her long ago. (Once, I texted: We're OK, when Jane asked how we were feeling after a bout of flu) Later that day I met Janes DH and he commented thus: So you're OK, are you?! Then he laughed heartily.
I think he was trying to make fun of my textspeak, I honestly don't know...weird. Anyway, good luck Sprocket!!!

Thanks Groundhogs and Kami, at least I have a few weeks until the Christmas break to build my resolve up!

I have been chuckling to myself thinking about the whole 'it's better at my childminder's' thing - everytime it happens I go all 'competitive mummy' and try to up the stakes by taking them to exciting places; swimming, playcentres, building dens in the house - up ending the furniture to make tunnels into said dens, etc. in a vain attempt to be 'fun mummy'. I wonder if she tells the childminder that she has more fun with DS and I and the childminder feeling a bit dejected too! She (DD) is probably having a great time at both homes as we desperately try to impress her!

Just like Jane's DS, she also complains about the food - she doesn't like anything I suggest I cook and always complains to her mum about it!

Good luck tomorrow Kami!

I love stuffitllama's response of "I know, hope you get to sort it out". There's a slightly disconcerting non-sequiturishness about it:

from stuffitllama:
"Well what am i going to do?"
"I know, hope you get to sort it out"

and any other pissed off noises she makes..
"I know, hope you sort it"

Also, you might want to have a reason to get off the phone ready. And once you've had the conversation, ignore subsequent calls. Good luck to you - and to you, Sprocket!

Having a final baby at 46 sounds blissfull - how dare she make you feel bad about enjoying that time with your daughter.

Good luck - be strong. Do it for your daughter if you can't do it for you - just keep her in mind.

Kami... What on earth does Jane do in the school holiday?

Thanks for all your good wishes, ideas and advice. What Jane does in the holidays? Her mum travels down from Ireland
to look after the children, but even then she wants me to look after her ds for a few loong days. I guess it's so that her mum can have a break. What I object to most is the enforced "friendship" between my DD and her DS.

sounds like you have made a good start on this, you may decide to take a short cut along the lines of "i don't want to look after your ds" Why? because i dont!

totally understand where you are coming from, i have a toddler whilst my oldest are in secondary school. i work, but on my day off i do nothing to meet up with others, feel no compulsion at all. i am hoping that by the time dd3 is in school, i will be doing reduced hours.

when my dd1 was around 7, there was a woman whose daughter was in her class. I worked full time ( a mix of day and evening hours. she was stuck for childcare so i heard myself saying- if you are really stuck, she could come to us after school until your dh gets home, he supposedly got home at 5.30

long story short, she decided that i would happily have her dd for free every thursday. this went on for several weeks until dh arrived at 7.45 followed by her dd having a fit refusing to go home. i opened the door- handed her over and said- you have overstepped the mark where my generous nature is concerned. good luck in finding an alternative.

the woman never spoke to me again!!!!

just do it!

just one more thought- maybe everyone at school gates thinks she is a using cow and avoids her

oh and couldn't agree more re enforced friendship. this is a pain if you are a childminder, maddening if there is no reward whatsoever!

tell her!

You have to be prepared for her to be mean to you although you have looked after her child for so long. You should face her up on it too: if she is mean, say "hold on, I've looked after your child for nothing, is this the thanks I get."

She's silently passively bullying you a little bit because you don't bite back. If you do, it may not change her demeanour but you will feel better and in the right, and not harbour any lingering resentment.

If she says "what am I supposed to do with DS?" you should reply (as neutrally as possible), "He is your son, it is not my job to plan his childcare. Do what you think is best."
I know how it feels to be unable to say no, but it's obviously having a big impact on you, and you must speak out. If she bitches to others, so what? Anyone who can't see there are two sides to every story isn't worth being friends with IMO.

Agree with stuffitlllama - she is going to have a bit of a go at you, and the "is this the thanks I get" would be a very good line to take. There is no possible retort that I can think of to it.

"I thought you were asking for a little occassional help and I was quite willing to do that for you when your own childcare arrangements broke down, but you have rudely presumed upon my generosity ever since. In fact, you seem to think that I AM your childcare arrangements! Is this the thanks I get?"

Message withdrawn

You could always move house?

Call her tonight - you will have the advantage of being the initiator and choosing the moment, rather than her catching you be surprise, and it will then all be over as well.

"I'm really sorry, Jane, but I won't be taking your son after school any more. DD and I want to have a bit more freedom to see friends and be spontaneous, just the two of us, and I want to be able to enjoy this short time that we have together as much as possible. I'm sure you'll understand.

There are a couple of really good childminders that I can recommend, if you like, but I don't want to childmind any more. It's not a matter of being paid, as well you know, it's that I don't want to do it any more."

Polite, to the point, choose mine, choose mine!

Message withdrawn

Jane needs to sort out regular after school care. I would just say that you don't want to be a childminder and don't mind helping her out once every few months in an emergency but feel a bit used by her at the moment. You could add that your daughters prefer not having a boy around.
You could add that you didn't say this earlier as you value her friendship and didn't realise you'd be having to childmind as often as you are and are finding it inconvenient and intrusive.
Yes this might upset your friendship but I wonder how good your friendship really is if you're afraid of her.
If any of my friends thought I was using them I'd like to think they'd tell me.

Choose kiwis

Thanks Caramel, the cheque is in the mail!

Well it is simple, assertive and requires no further explanation.

I like Kiwis too. I wouldn't even offer to do occasional cover as she sounds as though she would take the mickey even then.

'Kiwi's'

I don't know why but I laughed hysterically at dilemma456 comment about Jane seeing this thread..and yes, she certainly does have nerves of steel. Mudandmayhem: I feel exactly like that, I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE!!NEVER.
Moving house, changing dds school, all these options have been churning in my mind, and how bloody ridiculous is that??? Something will change as of tomorrow. I still don't know how, but it will. If Jane doesn't ask for help, (sometimes it seems that Mondays are my "free days") then I'll have even longer to think up a plan. And as so many of you have said; Jane isn't a friend in the true sense. She is someone who has imposed her stronger will on me and I just let her walk all over me, in some misguided attempt to be NICE. I'm so NICE that I harbour evil thoughts about her!!

asdx2: You have the right idea and I wish I could use it on Jane, but I know it would be pointless. She has declared many many times that she finds it really hard to spend time with her kids cos they "drain her emotionally and physically", and then she just longs for the sanctuary of the office. (something I think my DH would agree on, bless his ignorant heart)

I like Kiwi's suggestion too.