for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

I've been forced out of lurking by the temerity of this woman To be 'phoning every day for free childcare and then have the nerve to be pissed off with you. I agree with everyone else that you really are going to have to be direct with her - it's the only way, particularly if you're feeling nervous about going to school and picking your own dd up. You're neighbour sounds lovely by the way

Yeah, I know that the right thing to do is to tell her straight out. But I've been so compliant for 7 or 8 months,( I don't remember when she started working) that of course she takes me for granted by now, and probably thinks that I love looking after her ds. Sometime ago, she hinted that my dd and I "could do with a bit of company". I suppose she thinks I'm a slow old woman who needs to feel needed. As I said before, I've had all that and am now enjoying taking it easy, walking slowly back from school, chatting with my dd, and just being so grateful that I have this beautiful daughter in my twilight years. ; ) I know I mention my age a lot, but that's because I am truly ancient compared to all the other mums.( I had my dd at 46)
Sitting here with a bottle of Casillero Diablo and a bag of Percy Pig and pals. My dh is away on business and I'm slowly getting sozzled while trying to plan Monday's escape. At this rate I don't feel like looking after her ds at all anymore. But I don't want to cause a scene, and am really fearful of tension and bad feelings at the school gates. I've always been afraid of confrontation and Jane is
just the opposite. Oh well, I've got the weekend to mull this over and hope I'll come up with something brilliant. (moving house perhaps?) P.S My neighbour is ADORABLE.

This is your text

Jane, I can't take your son home from school anymore. K.

She is taking the blatant piss, and you are being FAR too nice. Who cares what she thinks or says about you? You should just smile sweetly and tell her to knob off.

Don't waste anymore time worrying this weekend. Give me her mobile number, I'll call her for you

K - I think I would have done it the same way as you - a warning shot is probably a good idea. You will probably have to say no at some point but really you have nothing to lose. If the worst that can happen is that she bitches about you what exactly can she say? "K did free childcare for me and now has decided that she doesn't want the piss taken out of her anymore? And she was really nice about if?"

Enjoy the time with your wee girl - I work part-time and wish I really could have the best of both worlds. They are so interesting at that age and as you know really need you.

Of course your wee girl will probably really enjoy all the activities you will be arranging for her.......

She'll have your neighbour picking up her DS before you know it.

Well what you did do was pretty good as I also can't say no to people, so you are on the right track

kami...the woman sounds HIDEOUS! you really have nothing to lose here by telling her straight.

there doesn't have to be any nastyness on your part (not that i am suggesting for one moment that you would be) you simply say, i'm not able to look after your little boy anymore...

in all honesty, she won't like it..she will be losing out, but it is HER problem, and not yours....

you carry on enjoying your dd...you sound like a lovely lady.

Well it's good that you've already told her that your dd wouldn't want her ds tagging along last week. How about "dd and I have had a heart to heart and she doesn't enjoy having ds over anymore so I'm not able to have him anymore."

"I don't want to look after your son After school" is pretty clear. And if she asks why don't explain, just say it again. You could say that you want to support her as a friend but that you would like to have your house to yourself after school.

This has happened to me. A friend taking on a job and getting me to mind without asking me if I wanted a job. If I thought about getting a job I would have to have arrangements that didn't put on other people or it's just not fair!

If you really haven't got the balls to tell her the truth outright then tell her you have had Ofsted on your doorstep as someone has reported you for being an unregistered CM and you have to stop. End of.

Kamikatze - I feel your pain, I know how difficult it is to confront someone rather confrontational. But when you do, possibly be prepared for her to start negotiating - eg wanting a couple of days a week or whatever. You're going to have to be really firm in your resolve so gird your loins girl

And as for my previous post, your you're, gah.

Maybe instead of waiting for the next call from her, you could ring her yourself and say that you won't be available for pickups from now on. That gives you the chance to do it when you've got the courage, rather than anxiously waiting for her.

What's worked for me before is instead of explaining why, I simply say I can't and if they ask why, I just say again that I can't. Repeat ad infinitum.

Good luck, you sound lovely. No one will judge you for not being free childcare - people aren't that stupid.

If it's impinging on your home life to pick up this little boy then you should tell Jane. FWIW this thread has got me thinking as I have a recepicoral agreement with my neighbour re school runs but she does the lions share. I sometimes wonder whether it bothers her and have resolved to let her know I appreciate it after reading this.

awful woman, if you still need to make excuses make them lamer and lamer so that she will realise quicker

dentists, haircuts, shoe shops, etc etc

but I agree with all the others who say you need to come out with it.

"Yes, I can't look after him any more"
"Why not?"
"I just can't" (no apology)
"Well what am i going to do?"
"I know, hope you get to sort it out"

and any other pissed off noises she makes..
"I know, hope you sort it"

Kami, just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own with this - I'm a single mum who works full time and I have to have childcare in place. However, one of the senior partners at the company I work for has a DD the same age as my DS.

DS is also at that 'all girls smell' stage and her DD is spoilt and to be honest a little bit whiney when she doesn't get her own way, which grates on DS.

My holiday time is very precious to us. In the October break, I received a phone call from senior partner asking me to take her DD for the day as DD 'didn't feel like going to her childminder that day.' I agreed as I thought it would be a one off. However, when senior partner collected her DD that evening, she said that she may need to ask me again the next day, depending on whether her DD wished to go to her childminder. It's difficult to say 'No' because a.) Like a puppy, I am a bit weak willed and eager to please and b.) She is my boss (see point a!)

So the next day arrives and instead of the planned lay in, I thought I'd better get ready and tidy the house in case I'm needed. We waited in all morning, but no word, so at 12:30pm, DS and I set off for the park. Cue telephone call - "I've been working at home this morning, we'll be round in 10 minutes."

When they arrived, my boss suggested that, as it was lunch time, we would all go and grab some lunch and drove us 7 miles away to a restaurant. I placed the order and paid for the meal, thinking that my boss would pay for her and her DD's food. Needless to say she didn't offer to contribute at all. She then got up and left saying that she had to get to work, leaving myself and the 2 DCs to catch the bus home, as DCs hadn't finished eating when she needed to go.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with DD telling me that it's so much more fun at her childminder's house than at mine!

At this point, can I mention that this is a regular occurance during my holiday - there is no getting away from it as she knows when I will be away (as she has to agree to me taking time off). Could I also mention that her DH does not work?!

So sorry for such a long post, but I wanted to let you know that you're not on your own when it comes to being gullible

sprocket , that is horrific. Could you maybe lie and say you're going away to visit friends/relatives for your hols? What would she do if you said it was inconvenient to look after dd - is she the kind who would try to make your life difficult?

Sprocket... that's practically abuse!

You need to sit that boss down and tell her that unless she gives you a HUMUNGOUS rise, that you are not going to be an unpaid minder.

Otherwise just say No, I'm sorry it's not convenient. I want to spend time with my own DC and no-one else. It's not like she hasn't got childcare in place, the DD will have to just lump it. None of that is your issue anyway.

Deep breath sprocket, you can do it.

to Mutt: You're SO RIGHT! I can't stand my whingeing myself, but I'm hopeless at this no saying business. I have no experience in it, have floated through life trying to be pleasant and non confrontational, a "nice" person. The more replies I get from you all, the more I feel that there WILL
come a point when I really tell her how I feel. Trying to evade her is not going to work, I know. Jane has a hide as thick as a rhinos. To Sprocketandtubbs: OMG, I can't believe how angry I got on your behalf! Your situation is even worse, as she is your boss...omg. I also had to smile bitterly at the DDs comments about it being more fun at the childminder's. Janes DS keeps moaning about my DDs girly toys, and when his parents come to pick him up, he usually comments that "I haven't had any pudding today either", as I don't serve pudding, only fruit after a meal. I know he's a kid, but why haven't his parents told him to quit his comments by now? It's all so maddening and I really feel for you, also a bit ashamed at moaning since I can only imagine how stressful life would be if I had a job as well! But still...I'm going to surprise myself this week I think...by sorting this out once and for all. (feeling extra brave despite hangover)

I know it's bad Saadia, but it's my own silly fault for putting up with it. I should point out that my boss lives just a few streets away from me, so like Kami, she can work out my comings and goings if she needs to. My DS has never been invited back to play, so I can't say that he and her DD are good friends although they are in the same class at school. Reading through this thread has made me think and I will be using some of the excuses mentioned in future!

I'm so sorry to hijack your thread Kami, I suppose if anything it shows how difficult it is to find good child care without relying on friends and family.

Good luck Kami, and I'm sure if you spoke to a couple of the parents at the school gates, they may already be well aware of your situation and will also support you, particularly if Jane is prone to being a bit bitchy. I don't often get to socialise with the school gates crowd either, but I'm always really suprised at how perceptive and friendly everybody is whenever I get to chat to them

Be strong!

Good Luck