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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for resenting having to look after friends child

491 replies

Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:40

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

OP posts:
madamearcati · 03/11/2009 16:20

Make an excuse that is so lame that she will see through it in a moment. Saves the embarrassment of having to say no

hippipotamiHasLost75lbs · 03/11/2009 16:21

You sound very kind and sweet and she is taking advantage.
I think not answering the phone is going to prolong the agony (and leave you nervous in case it rings) so it would be best to face her and say 'I am no longer able to collect your child and look after him so frequently. I feel this is a bit one-sided and I prefer to have some family time.
I have compiled a list of local childminders for you'
Bye.
But say it with a smile.

If she does gossip to the other mums about you then so what? You have nothign to lose here. Leave her to it and enjoy the precious time with your dd.

Good luck and let us know how you get on

grumpypants · 03/11/2009 16:21

It seems like you need to speak to her before she asks again. Next time you see her, say 'have you got a mo?' Then say it seems like she needs more regular, reliable childcare, and to try CIS or something for a minder/ after school club. Say you'll do it for the next two weeks/ whatever but after that you really don't want to be regularly looking after someone because dd owes quite a few playdates/ you didn't plan on doing this and don't want to have to let her down later on.

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 03/11/2009 16:21

OMG, I would stop that right now. 3-6ish free child care! tell her to sort out a cminder

Astrid28 · 03/11/2009 16:22

My sister has done this to me in the past. What I saw as a one off favour became a regular thing.

In the end I just called her and said that I think she should find someone else to mind her DS because while I didn't mind helping out occasionally, I didn't want to commit to anything regular.

The best thing is to just be honest. Don't overthink it, give her a call and say that it's becoming too regular and it's limiting what you want to do in your spare time ( a nicer way of saying 'I don't want to do it anymore'). You're not in the wrong so jut be polite, but leave no room for excuses or arguments.

Good luck! x

Beachcomber · 03/11/2009 16:22

I'm that these people think it's just dandy for you to look after their child for so long plus feeding him.

Poor mite, I 'm sure you are very nice to him but even so.

You really have to stop this ASAP, the longer you let it go the more it will become a habit and 'expected'. The hump they will take when you tell them where to go will only get bigger with time.

Let her get in a huff, what do you care really?

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 03/11/2009 16:24

oh shes a cheeky bitch btw, just incase you didnt know

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 16:26

YANBU at all - this "friend" is clearly taking advantage of your generous nature but the more you say yes, the more she will ask of you. Simply explain to her that while you didn't mind doing it as a one-off on a few occasions (contradiction I know!) that it really isn't suitable any longer and now your daughter is getting older it is having too much of an impact on her day at a time when you want to enjoy spending time just with her. She'd have to be a really selfish woman if she can't understand that but hopefully she'll realise it's getting a bit much once you've explained and be gracious enough to accept it and find another source of childcare!

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 03/11/2009 16:28

Even if she knew your schedule then, surely you must do unscheduled stuff from time to time? Visiting family / doctors appt / supermarket??

ScummyMummy · 03/11/2009 17:03

3pm through to 6pm 3x per week?! Really? For no pay or reciprocity? Astonishing cheek on her part. I hope she's absolutely brimming with gratitude? I know of no one who would think this ok among my aquaintance. Please just tell her you can't do it any more and that she needs to find alternative childcare. Very few people would honestly expect this level of commitment from someone barely more than an aquaintance on a regular basis- it would be a lot to ask of family or close friends tbh. Is it possible she has some kind of aspergers or learning disability? Because this is either a case of her genuinely not knowing the social rules or a blatent piss take verging on bullying, imo. Either way gently but firmly making clear that she needs to mAke another arrangement seems essential. Incidentally, I think technically you might be obliged to register with ofsted as a childminder if you are regularly providing that level of care. Perhaps if you really can't bring yourself to speak to her you could do that and deliberately fail the inspection?!

porcamiseria · 03/11/2009 17:17

JUST SAY NO, she is taking the piss, your DD does not even like him and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain

Please do so, It enrages me how cheeky some people are!

Mallenstreak · 03/11/2009 17:21

I would just say that you're very busy on Mumsnet seeking advice for a serious problem that you have.If she wants to know more just give her the link to this thread!

Original poster
Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 17:51

This was my first ever post on MN and I can't tell you how pleased and grateful I am for your answers! I feel so much stronger now but strangely enough, angrier as well! I've genuinely not known that others would see it as if she's taking the piss, instead I've suspected myself of being stingy and difficult for feeling so resentful.
Another thing, she usually calls me, a little breathless, and I can hear the clackety clack of keyboards, and then she asks...she rarely lets me know a day in advance. And that makes it harder to say no, cos then I think" omg who's gonna pick the child up today?" A few months ago, Jane said this to me: It's so good of you to look after ds, that way my dh and I get half an hour to have a drink and just chat about our day". ??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/11/2009 17:56

grrrrr

cocolepew · 03/11/2009 17:56

say no. If she talks about you so what? People at the school gates are going to twig on what she's like.

colditz · 03/11/2009 17:58

Tell her that, happily, you are now a registered childminder, and will be charging £7 an hour, bringing the cost of her son's childcare to a rounded down £60 per week.

It's great, isn't it? That she already has you as a childminder and doesn't have to now fanny about finding one?

I think you'll be surprised at how quickly she finds a real childminder

diddl · 03/11/2009 17:58

YANBU!

In an emergency, OK.

Perhaps once a week if your daughter enjoyed it.

But anything above is more than a favour & comes within the bounds of childminding needing payment!

katsh · 03/11/2009 18:00

I think you are amazingly kind and lovely, and I can't believe the cheek of this person - especially the comment about it giving her time with her Dh !!!! Wouldn't we all like 3 hrs free childcare every afternoon. I'm sure you will handle it very well.

Twintummy · 03/11/2009 18:00

She's taking the total piss. I agree if you can't say no, your DD needs to develop a very busy social life so you can't help out.

I had similar when my DD was in reception. I was always getting calls from another mum to collect her daughter, take her to ballet blah blah. She worked full-time without any proper childcare in place. They relied on their oldest DD who was only about 15 and would often get detention hence the phone calls to me.

I had DD and 1 year old twin boys at the time so I was pretty frazzled! I was furious and I was gearing up to confront her when she told me they were leaving the area. I was elated!

cornsilkwearscorsets · 03/11/2009 18:03

What everyone else says. She is totally taking the piss. You sound very nice. Tell her it has to stop.

Fabster · 03/11/2009 18:07

Having her kid so she can have a drink and chat to her husband? Priceless.

megapixels · 03/11/2009 18:12

Grrr I am so angry for you . YANBU OP, Jane is a Pig. Just tell her to make her own arrangements, her son is not your problem. She's just trying to avoid paying for childcare. You sound like a lovely person, don't let the pig take advantage of you.

TheCrackFox · 03/11/2009 18:15

"A few months ago, Jane said this to me: It's so good of you to look after ds, that way my dh and I get half an hour to have a drink and just chat about our day". ??"

Fucking hell

she has a damn cheek. I have done emergency child care for my WOHM and they have been pathetically grateful (it isn't a big deal to me). This woman is not a friend, she is a user and I would tell her to find a proper childminder.

whippet · 03/11/2009 18:15

Hmm - sorry if I am wrong about this, but there's soemthing about the wording of the OP and the dropping in of the "my dh and I get half an hour to have a drink and just chat" comment that just make me a bit suspicious of this OP's first post

(We all know that the 'free childcare from SAHMs is a topic which is guaranteed to whip MNers into a frenzy..... )

justaboutautumn · 03/11/2009 18:19

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