for resenting having to look after friends child

[Kamikatze]

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

Take a deep breath - and feel no embarrassment about backing away from this woman. You don't owe her anything - she is not your family.

If you can't face confrontation - don't answer the phone. If you do - by accident - just say "No my mother/sister/brother is visiting." If she leaves a message saying 'I'll presume it's ok unless you call me." Text her back - saying you can't do it! Get into a habit of texting her. Do not feel guilty about lying - its a device.

Do this for 3 or 4 weeks and she will get the message. I have had similar though not so severe problems with people taking advantage. I really don't mind helping out anyone but its when people have an expectation. I reckon she has got really thick skin and maybe needs you to either back away or be direct.

If she does get sarky with you - fine - feel relieved that you have got away from her!

Personally I can't handle confrontations and have trouble speaking directly - but there are strategic and polite ways of getting what you want. You don't want to look after her child any more. Accept that you may FEEL bad (because you are lovely) but slowly you will disengage. Otherwise you will have years of doing this. Just make sure you have some good lies up your sleeve.

Kamikatze Jane is taking advantage because she sees you as a soft target, she is no friend they dont do this kind of thing, she is a user. If Jane cannot fulfill her parental responsibilities herself she should not be working. I wish that i was there to give her a piece of my mind what a user. Its not just half an hour, its 3.5 whole hours with you for no pay. Suggest a childminder, your schedule is none of her fecking business, does not matter if you sit at home all day, she is taking the piss. It should be no skin off your nose to say no, who cares what she says you go pick up your dd and go home dont need to talk to anybody.

Once again, thanks for your advice and support! Now please tell me what you mean about trolling? Do journalists "go undercover" to read Mn discussions? I don't really get it. Anyway, I'm just not used to writing "my story" and being perimenopausal(if not actually menopausal) doesn't help making me sound coherent. When I remembered the thing she said about drinks with dh, I thought it would give you an idea about how insensitive she really is. I have loads of little anecdotes like that, if I think back, but when I do I just start foaming at the mouth, being so angry with myself for putting up with it. Yes, It's been a slow process and I've just gotten sucked into it gradually.
I will write again when I've actually done something about it.
P.S I don't mind not being paid, I don't care about expenses and such, it's just the time alone with my dd that I want back.

Can you preempt her asking by saying something about needing some time alone with your dd. In a bright and breezy voice in the school playground in front of witnesses?

Please do something about it kamikatze, she is taking the piss and taking advantage of you.

But you are free childcare. Simples.

This happened to a friend of mine. A woman she knew ended up having a different person take home her daughter every day of the week for a whole year. My friend was even taking her swimming, and when she finally said she wouldn't do swimming anymore the lady then said "which day can you do instead".

So it does happen.

I'm astonished at her bare faced cheek - like everyone else.

A big fat no is all you have to say - so what if she subsequently snubs you ? People like this aren't friends, they're users.

If you feel you have to offer any justification there's absolutely nothing wrong in telling the truth and saying you want to spend time on your own with DD and don't want or need the extra responsibility. There's no need to make up stories about fictional after school activities, or fudge the issue by saying "not today" because otherwise someone as thick skinned as this will try to take advantage at other times.

Or - you could simply say "No, I've had enough of being used".

Ooh yes, kami, please come back and tell us how you got on! [nosy emoticon]

To the doubters...

I used to look after a friend's ds a year or so ago while she studied. Her dh worked full time, but odd hours.

She dropped off, dh picked up & she would always tell me to expect her dh at X o'clock.

He was late often. Reason...he had gone home first to check emails (I saw him log into MSN regularly & stay there for up to an hour) and then he would shower (he was a gardener, so was always easy to know he has showered) before collected his ds. He never once called to check if that was OK. The deal was he collected their dc after his day had finished. Me being like OP, too giving & not up for confrontation, never said anything!

People DO take the piss & they do have lame excuses!

Now friend is studying again & finding it hard to find childcare for her baby, I have kept my mouth firmly shut & made it clear that it isn't something I am prepared to get into again.

He does however, often call & ask me to collect the eldest after school (he attends same school as dd) but now I ignore the phone! His excuse is usually that the baby has fallen asleep & he doesn't want to wake her, something I have to do with my youngest (16mths) regularly, because it is part & parcel of having children at school & smaller babies!

Please tell us you have spoken to her Kam and told her to make other arrangements! I hate people who take the p* like that - they are always cunning enough to choose the person who is too nice to say no.

kami..what a crap situation. don't be scared of this woman...like other posters have said, you have NOTHING to lose at all by telling her you are unable to do it.

i would not lie to her...tell her straight...you are unable to do it anymore.

having a few minutes of uncomfortable conversation (on your part!) should hopefully put an end to this. why don't you ask one of your dds friends over on the night that you are expecting her to ask.. that way you can maybe say "oh, i'm not able to tonight..katie is coming over for tea. actually, i've been meaning to speak to you about looking after jonny...i'm finding it hard not spending time with dd, and its stopping us from doing lots of things we'd planned to do, so i won't be able to have him anymore..." could you do that? don't be apologetic though!!

good luck. take the bull by the horns, be assertive, and i'll bet you'll feel better in the long run for it.

Kamitkaze - it's all been said really, she is taking advantage of your monumentally good nature.

Just wanted to add my moral support to you. And it occurs to me that the biggest risk to you if she tries bad-mouthing you around the school gate is that you will be inundated with other requests to use your generous free childminding service . I'm sure the other mums would think she was a nutter to expect you to do this!

You need to let her know that you could get into trouble for illegal childminding, as you are not registered with OFSTED, CRB checked, etc - as could she, as she is asking you to do this on a regular basis. Tell her now that this info has come to your attention, you think she needs to make alternative arrangements.
If she has the barefaced cheek to ask you to get registered, tell her NO!

Bump... I really want to know how you got on?

If you dont answer the phone then she sgot an excuse to call you rude. This is a tricky situation but its best to try and keep things diplomatic even if she is taking the piss with you which I think she is. Esp as she took the job out of boredom rather than necessity. If she struggles so much with childcare then she shouldnt do it or as others have suggested-pay for it. Just say that you arent available or wont be available for a while as you have other commitments coming up but dont give any other information. Just say 'nice to see you, got to go,bye'. I cant believe you give him dinner and everything. You are very kind. But I agree with one poster who said, dont do it and moan, just dont do it.

any update
and i agree with poster below who said don't be apologetic - don't let 'sorry' pass your lips! you may feel like you're letting her down, actually you are just not continuing to do her a HUGE favour

Any update?

bumping for an update please!!

what happened? Is awful when you find it hard to say no. I was in the same boat with my cousins 5 kids she wanted me to watch in the oct break when I have a baby and 10 year old and was pregnant and nauseous, didn't phone her or answer the phone but when my dh answered it and gave me it she got me to do one day from 9.30 untill 4.30 and gave me £20 which softened the annoyance somewhat, but its not the money I agree its the time and stress. But since then she hardly calls at all and I have barely seen her so I know she was annoyed. as this woman is not related to you it should be easier to avod her completely.

bump

Here's an update; I wish it was a bit more dramatic but...
Thursday midday the phone rang several times. I didn't answer. Jane left a message asking me to call her urgently.
I didn't. At 2.30 I started feeling really nervous about going to pick up dd, so I went over to a dear neighbour of mine, an elderly lady (older than me even) and asked her if she could go pick up my dd. Cowardly, I know. The lady agreed happily and when she got back told me that Jane had asked about my whereabouts. The lady had said that I was shopping in town with a friend. Same evening I called Jane and she was obviously pissed off, saying how she had tried to contact me. I told her I had arranged with my neighbour to pick up my dd and had no idea she had called. Friday, Jane rang again and I said I was taking dd and her friend for a meal after school and then a bit of playtime at home. This was true, I made sure by arranging it hastily with another mum. Jane replied: I'm sure my ds won't mind tagging along!!!!!!! I then explained that the two girls would HATE having him tag along. This ended the conversation somewhat abruptly. Now I'm dreading Monday. How long will it take her to understand? Very long, I suspect, since I haven't the guts to speak out and tell the truth. Oy vey.

Completely gobsmacked that someone can feel so entitled!

I have no idea how long it will take her to get the message if you don't just come right out and say it, cause I can't imagine someone actually behaving like this!

You are a waaaaay nicer than I am.

What a horrid woman, Kamikatze you have to speak out for the sheer nerve of the woman. You just have to say NO!!! She sounds like a total user and her very attitude would piss me off immensly.

why should you have explanations for this woman, a quick no should do it, i used to be a timid and shy person but got so fed up being trampled on and my good nature being taken advantage of that i am more assertive which is what you should be my fellow mumsnettter. I hate peoples good nature being taken advantage of.