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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for resenting having to look after friends child

491 replies

Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 15:40

I'm an older mum with two kids at uni and my 7 yr old surprise dd still living at home (kind of obvious?) Anyway, I've been thru the hectic young mum years when I never seemed to find time to just smell the roses and am now enjoying every minute of being with my dd, just chilling.
When my dd first started school I was approached by a mum with a son same age as dd. I had not made any effort to socialise at the school gate, been there done that, except for of course slight chitchat and making play dates and so on. ANYWAY(will I ever get to the point?)
This other mum, Jane, decided to get a part time job cos she was bored at home. Her dh works 9 to 5 and is always home to bath kids, make dinner. My dh is often away on business trips and hardly ever home bfore dds bedtime. I'm used to it and these days, don't get uptight about it.
Jane has started calling me several times a week to ask me to pick up her kid and keep him at ours until she or her dh comes to pick him up. I don't work away from home so feel guilty to say no, but I resent having to look after her son so many times a week. I want to spend this time with my dd and no one else. I wouldn't say anything if my dd was happy with the situation but she isn't happy specially cos she's in the "boys are yukky" phase. I feel bad for resenting this child and overcompensate by being extra nice to him which leaves dd feeling jealous. Can anyone come up with an idea of how I can get out of this very one sided arrangement, or should I just accept it and say nothing? Maybe I'm just an old kvetcher and should hang my head in shame for getting pissed off about small things? Please advice!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/11/2009 18:40

whippet, you thinking DM ?

mamandomi · 03/11/2009 18:40

woa... it is amazing how people take advantage! I can imagine you are quite like me and don't know how to say no but you know I have learnt lately and at theend of the day your dd is the most important and I do not think this lady deserve your friendship so do not hesitate to say NO and life will go own happiwer for you and your dd.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/11/2009 18:45

whippet
drop it ok?

Beachcomber · 03/11/2009 18:46

Agree the drink with DH comment a few months ago somehow doesn't ring true.

hippipotamiHasLost75lbs · 03/11/2009 18:50

The drinks comment, whilst a bit bizarre, is feasible enough. I know a friend of mine once said she would collect the children at X because it meant she could have a quick cuppa and chat with dh first.
It was a one-off so I did not mind.

Who or what is DM?

cathcat · 03/11/2009 18:54

daily mail

thesunshinesbrightly · 03/11/2009 19:01

I feel for you, i used too do this everyday after school till 6.00pm, i would feel really guilty if i said 'no' i would go over and over it in my head

some people know how too taked advantage of kind hearted people, i know it's hard but try and say 'no'.

good luck.

thesunshinesbrightly · 03/11/2009 19:02

what i meant was, take advantage.

WshosheBANG · 03/11/2009 19:11

Oh it rings true with me, as a CM, you would be surprised what we hear.

I know OP iss not a CM, but I have had parents turn up 2 hours late and come out with things like,

'Oh I thought I would just do my Tesco shop before picking up the kids, you dontt mind do you?'

Or 'We were playing a game on the PC and it was getting exciting, you didnt mind us being late do you?' and hour after pickup time.

Some people will take the pisss that much

hippipotamiHasLost75lbs · 03/11/2009 19:16

Thanks cath.

Original poster
Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 19:18

to whippet : What can I say except Jane really did say the thing about having a drink and a catch up with her dh but it wasn't just that, she just mentioned it in a longer sentence about having so little time now that she's working and so on. I'm sorry if what I write sound confusing but I I'm trying to tell it as it is. And there's so much more, which if I told you, you'd for sure think was a joke. Only reason I don't tell is it makes me look just as stupid and bovine as I prob. am. Why am I so scared to say no to her?? I've always had real trouble with forceful people, they're so hard to stand up to.
Also I think I have an inferiority complex about never having been a working mum. Also I'm so frigging old. ; )
But now the worm has turned!!! (I hope)

OP posts:
almostreal · 03/11/2009 19:25

Seriously people get a grip and put the pitchforks away.

Kami: I almost think we might know the same Jane. A few years ago I ended up in a situation with a woman like this. Constantly asking for childcare favors and so bare faced about asking anything of someone I would just stand open mouthed and nod.
She doesn't have a younger DD to by any chance?

TheCrackFox · 03/11/2009 19:28

Kamikatze - next time she mentions how tired she is just nod in agreement and then say "yes, but it must be nice to have all that extra cash. Which reminds me you really need to sort out professional childcare."

Original poster
Kamikatze · 03/11/2009 19:30

No, she has an older ds. He's not old enough to be a babysitter though...

OP posts:
warthog · 03/11/2009 19:45

shocking behaviour on her part. but i bet she's ace at finding people who are kind hearted. i bet it will only take one 'NO' to stem the tide.

balls of steel is what you need, even if for one day only!

carocaro · 03/11/2009 19:45

Just say no.

You don't have to offer an explanation.

She is taking the piss and loving every minute of it.

agedknees · 03/11/2009 19:46

Kamikatze - Jane is a user. She is not a friend. You need to say no to her.

As for Jane and her dh having a drink and winding down before picking up their ds I can well believe it.

I used to be a helper at Rainbows. The number of times parents arrived 1 or even 2 hours late to pick up their children was amazing. And it was nearly always the same parents.

Be strong Kami - you can do it. Jane needs to know she should sort proper childcare out.

whippet · 03/11/2009 19:47

Perfectly reasonable to question the 'reality' of this one, (and I have a grip, and the troll radar is off thanks)

I can't put my finger on it... there's just something about the language of the original post which doesn't sound authentic.
The 'stealth' reveal of the 'drinks with DH' comment...
Sounds like someone fishing for some ideas for an article...

Anyway OP, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. FWIW, I know what this is like - being targeted by a working parent for childcare. Strangely enough I got flamed when I started a thread asking if I was being unreasonable for not wanting to be a key part of another woman's childcare plan

Lots of good solutions here. Take control. Just say no.
Doesn't sounds like a 'friendship' worth keeping to be honest - what's in it for you?

TheCrackFox · 03/11/2009 19:49

Is there anyway you can screen her calls? If you don't answer the phone to her for a week or two you might be able to wean her off you.

CarGirl · 03/11/2009 19:53

"No, dd are having some one on one time this evening"

"No, dd is resenting have x here so often"

GrapefruitMoon · 03/11/2009 19:54

I know someone like Jane, she does have after-school childcare arranged but not for every day ("as it is so expensive" )

She has somehow got a couple of mothers at school to take her dc on the days she doesn't have after school care, one seems to take her to school several days. They are not childminders but maybe she has some sort of an arrangement with them...

She asked me to have her dc after school a couple of times, the first time I didn't mind doing it as a favour, however her dc is not even in the same year as mine and didn't seem that happy to be in our house. The second time, I genuinely had to change my mind at the last minute due to a car emergency. She asked me one other time and I couldn't help so she never asked again. I heard afterwards that she has worn out the goodwill of all the parents of kids in her dc's class.

I bet if you say no a couple of times, she'll move on to someone else. If you are finding it hard to say no, just tell her that a local childminder has threatened to shop you for illegal childminding and you can't continue to help her.

TheCrackFox · 03/11/2009 19:54

"no, now piss off"

libbygrayhair · 03/11/2009 19:55

I'm new to posting here, but I've been reading for a couple of months or so. I am aware of concerns that have been raised recently about trolls (some of which are pretty obvious), but I have to say that there's something about this situation that I personally find very believable. I won't relate my story here, as it's not really the same as the OP's, but there are people who happily take advantage of others and who are so totally ignorant regarding their behaviour they can't even see that they're being unreasonable. For some of us, it's very easy to get into being sucked in and then not know how to get out of the situation, especially when there's a child involved.

Of course the OP needs to sort this out, to get back in control of her life and her child's, but some of us are not very good at doing at that so advice and support is helpful - especially for others reading this thread who are in similar situations and could learn some useful tactics.

LoveBeingAMummy · 03/11/2009 20:03

Jane said this to me: It's so good of you to look after ds, that way my dh and I get half an hour to have a drink and just chat about our day". ??

If you don't feel comfrotable saying no, blame your dh, say he's not happy about it. Or you could always start biling her

pigletmania · 03/11/2009 20:47

Look Kamikatze i would be straight with her and just say that you will do it just once or twice but you are busy have things to do at home. Seems like she is taking advantage, you dont have to do something you dont want to do. I would suggest a childminder that she could ask, your dd comes first and if both you and she are not happy,stop it now!