Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH is a bit of a baps/jugs kind of bloke, and I'm 27 wks preg...

218 replies

wheredidiputmyfone · 09/10/2009 11:08

...so, AIBU to worry about how we're going to get round the whole breast feeding thing?

I wasn't able to BF my DD1, so this never arose, and my DH hasn't said anything and wouldn't cos he's a right sweetie, but how do you deal with the leaky boobs thing when you're playing a good game of hide the sausage?

OP posts:
mummee09v · 10/10/2009 20:14

its different growing old because your partners growing old as well, and its gradual, you dont just wake up old one day, it takes years!!! and if you look after yourself then you can still look good when your older too. i hope i don't get "traded in" one day, but i have seen it happen. as for the going off sex thing, i personally know men who have said that after their kids have been born sex feels different coz obv things can change a little bit down there if you give birth naturally. and i have women friends that have told me that too.

my DF is nearly 10 years older than me though so quite frankly (sexy as he is) he might have trouble getting anyone younger than me anyway lol ...his ex wife was 2 years older than him so he is always telling me he feels lucky to be with someone so much younger.

anyway thats kind of going off the point but i guess i am trying to say i want to keep myself the best i can not just for him but so i feel good about myself!!! and i certainly don't use the loo in front of him either!!! dear god....

and thank you annya for not jumping down my throat re the "cow comment" - i didnt think there was any need for everyone to get so worked up!!

pooexplosions · 10/10/2009 20:44

If you can't see whats offensive about being called a cow, I despair. How about a bit of common civility.

So you care more about keeping your figure than doing natural things that your body is designed for, whatever, thats sad but up to you. No need to be offensive to those of us without your ishoos though.

I can't believe the NHS wasted about 50k on csections though because you don't want to stretch your fanjo. I think thats shameful and quite sickening. If you have that many problems with having a baby you should have got a puppy instead.

blueshoes · 10/10/2009 20:45

You do make me laugh, mummee.

Your DF (whatever that means) traded in his ex-wife for you, someone younger ... Men don't think that just because they are old, they are not entitled to someone young and attractive, at least the sort of men you make your DF sound like.

And there will always be younger women who find older men attractive (you, for one).

Good luck.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/10/2009 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GoldenSnitch · 10/10/2009 20:55

A whacking great scar is surely more noticeable than a temporarily slightly stretched fanny?

I hate my (emergency) c-section scar!

Monsterspam · 10/10/2009 20:59

When I told my DH about this thread he said "What?! What a sad individual. If anything, the sight of you giving birth and feeding DD reinforced everything I felt about you previously. She's obviously got psychological problems."

Says it all really.

mummee09v · 11/10/2009 08:55

DF did not "trade his ex wife in" for me!!!!!

we got together AFTER they split up!!! jesus...

oh and my cs scar is so low down its pretty un noticeable and has faded so much it doesn't bother me!!! so yeah, to me, a scar IS preferable to having a vaginal birth. and i don't think its fair to mock me just because i am psychologically unable to give birth naturally.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 11/10/2009 09:02

Good lord, you're a shallow individual.

blueshoes · 11/10/2009 09:33

mummee, trading in does not have to be simultaneous. Possible to discard the old before moving on to the new

Get yourself some help.

tiktok · 11/10/2009 09:36

I agree, mummmeeeee....anyone having issues with you because of your fear of childbirth should shut up!

But you really, really must not let those personal fears of childbirth and breastfeeding lead you to be insulting to other women who don't share them. The fact that you're still defending your use of the words 'fresian cow' in relation to mothers breastfeeding shows you still don't get it.

No one can be blamed for psychological difficulties they bring to adulthood (though I'd say again - think about getting them dealt with before you pass them on to the next generation). But being dismissive, rude and belittling of mothers who do breastfeed, and of the act of breastfeeding, is unnecessary, and you deserve criticism for that

mummee09v · 11/10/2009 12:33

... i don't see it as trading in - just because he fell in love with someone younger!!!! (AFTER his marriage split up) is it not possible that he loves me for who i am, how we share interests, (we MET through our shared interests, being in a band together) how we are best friends, how he loves me for being the mother of his child, how he has never felt like this about anyone intil we met, how we have such a laugh together, how i am his soulmate. and he has said all that to me and more. he does think i am beautiful because he is always telling me so but that is not the reason he fell in love with me.

i would just like to know why people think i am a shallow individual, just because i didn't want to breastfeed, didnt give birth naturally and want to keep a bit of an air of mystery in my relationship (ie looking good and not wanting to do unattractive things in front of my DF!!? i think its really unfair how badly i have been picked on, yes i SHOULD NOT have made the cow comment, i have apologised for that, it was out of order. yet i am still being utterly slated...

mummee09v · 11/10/2009 12:38

oh and i tried and tried to get help for my psychological issues with pregnancy and childbirth, during BOTH pregnancies, but sadly was not offered anything other than, "oh, you are scared of giving birth, ok mummee09 we can offer you a c/section!"

i also suffered problems with eating and my body image during my 2nd pregnancy, my midwife saw i was always underweight yet never once suggested referring me to anyone. i even ended up having extra scans and stuff because i was so small for my dates yet no one actually talked to me or tried to help me. luckily DD was born a decent size and fit and healthy.

but i absolutely DO NOT want to pass these things onto my kids and i really hope that i don't.

blueshoes · 11/10/2009 12:39

mummee, you said your DF "is always telling me he feels lucky to be with someone so much younger". Clearly your youth is a big factor in your attractiveness. What sort of man would say that - rather shallow I thought? I hope for your sake you are right.

fernie3 · 11/10/2009 12:46

I breatsfed my third but not my first two - unfortunatly I chickened out at the hospital and only started breatsfeeding once I was home and she had had bottles for a few days I did breatfeed her alongside bottles for a few months but If i have another I will DEF do all breatefeeding because it was so wonderful - no bottles next time

anyway back the post - I did leal but my husband didnt seem to notice when we were having sex etc - if he had i would have thought i was doing something wrong that his attention was so easily distracted!

I did wear a bra in bed at first but hated it so i put a matress protector on the bed and changed the sheets whenever i leaked on them - i realy can stand wearing bras in the night!

btw my husband seems to find me attractive still even after all the various leakages!

sophie

fernie3 · 11/10/2009 12:48

sorry for spelling etc have my 8 month old on lap with a cold and my brain has gone to mush with lack of sleep.

sophie

mollyroger · 11/10/2009 12:50

you are, of course, entitled to you opinoin, mumeee, but you will, I hope, allow that your views are uncommon..., verging on the unhealthy?

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP · 11/10/2009 12:53

mummee, I don't think you're being slated because you have issues with your body (well, I hope you're not) cos I think most people have something about themselves they feel insecure about.

Perhaps some poeple are a bit prickly about the fact that you are 'allowing' your OH to feel you're less than perfect because of the natural processes your body goes through? By agreeing with him and changing the decisions you make about childbirth/BF to fit in with his ideas, you're backing up all the stereotypes about how women have to look perfect at all times, else they're less of a person.

When you go into hospital you're forced to leave your dignity at the door to some extent, and your OH has to not mind about what he sees. If he does, it kind of suggests he doesn't love every part of you no matter what, ie a conditional rather than unconditional love.

blueshoes · 11/10/2009 12:59

mummee, I am sad for you that you are not with the right person who can help you get over your eating, body image and psychological problems. Not all men feel like that, far from it.

mollyroger · 11/10/2009 13:01

are you allowed to fart in front of him?

Morloth · 11/10/2009 13:34

I think our sex life has improved over the years as we have both become slightly less attractive and have shared so many things together (including childbirth/having a newborn/3:00am trips to A&E with a sick baby/looking after each other after accidents etc).

When you are really really comfortable with someone then you can relax. The only way to be really comfortable with someone else is to be really comfortable with yourself first.

diddl · 11/10/2009 14:02

mummee
what does your DF(?) thinkof your issues?

Does he try to help you with them?

Totally unrelated, but I don´t think my husband has ever told me I´m beautiful -is that unusual?

BalloonSlayer · 11/10/2009 16:20

"but i absolutely DO NOT want to pass these things onto my kids and i really hope that i don't."

that's good,

You are not being slated because of your bdy image problems, you are being slated because on a thread asking about making sure that breastfeeding does not interfere with an already successful sex life, you posted this:

"OMG THAT IS MINGING, GOLDENSNITCH ARE YOU JOKING ABOUT DH TRYING YOUR BREAST MILK!!!!

throws up "

that you cannot see this was a comment you should not have posted, given that you understand your feelings about your body and breastfeeding are not normal.

If you don't want to pass your negative issues on to your kids, a good start would be not to try to pass them on to someone on here.

Malificence · 11/10/2009 16:59

Any DECENT husband and father would simply not see birth and breastfeeding as "unattractive" - it's the most wonderful thing in the world to any normal loving husband.
If they don't see it as wonderful and love-affirming but DO see it as unattractive - there is something WRONG with them.
If you have such poor body image issues then you need counselling , what would happen if you became disfigured or disabled in some way?
I had to have plastic surgery on my face and a skin graft, so my appearance is changed forever, you just get on and deal with it - my husband loves me and fancies me just as much as before.
It's not just women's bodies that change as they age either - men's erections get far less hard/big as they pass 50 - I'd point out that little fact to any man that says a woman isn't as tight after childbirth, if you look after your pelvic floor you can still be tight!

Wonderstuff · 11/10/2009 17:06

Some people are tighter AFTER VB!

diddl · 11/10/2009 18:18

I can´t see why an adult trying breastmilk is any more "disgusting" than the fact that many human children & adults drink cows milk.