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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so annoyed at seeing pregnant women smoking.....

177 replies

CakeandFineWine · 14/09/2009 15:56

GGGRRRHH.

Following my miscarriage 2 weeks ago. granted I'm a little raw...

But god it annoys me when I quit smoking before I even starting TTC, I didn't drink a drop, took my folic acid and followed the do's and don'ts of foods to the T.
And still MC'ed
And I see pregnant ladies walking around smoking or drinking in pubs..........

ITS SO UNJUST!!!!!!!

OP posts:
LadyStealthPolarBear · 14/09/2009 15:57

I'm sorry, it's so unfair

Original poster
CakeandFineWine · 14/09/2009 16:01

it is though,
Surely you have to take some responsibility for yourself and your unborn baby.......

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2009 16:02

I appreciate that you are feeling very raw about your own situation and that it seems very unjust to you. However, other women's behaviour is not to blame for your MC and not any of your business.

BitOfFun · 14/09/2009 16:04

You must be feeling so very upset, and I'm sorry that happened, it's awful. I suppose it's natural to rail at fate and so on, but in reality it's still not great to be feeling angry at them- it won't bring your pregnancy back.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 14/09/2009 16:06

I understand what you are saying and parping immediately.

Bleatblurt · 14/09/2009 16:07

I do understand how you are feeling, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I felt very similar when my DS2 was stillborn - leaving hospital and seeing a group of pregnant mums in the grounds smoking away made me want to explode with anger and hurt. I knew I was being unreasonable and I'm sure you know you are too.

BarbieLovesKen · 14/09/2009 16:07

Im very sorry for your loss. Although what you are saying maybe somewhat unresonable, I think given the circumstances you are completely entitled to have a rant and let off some steam.

WhingeBobShitPants · 14/09/2009 16:07

so sorry about your MC

lal123 · 14/09/2009 16:08

YANBU to feel that life is unfair, however as BoF says - what other people do is none of your business. Plenty of pregnant women take different sorts of risks during pregnancy and we don't judge them in the same way.

The majority of mcs have nothing whatsoever to do with the actions of mother.

BarbieLovesKen · 14/09/2009 16:08

Oh God Butterball, I'm very sorry.

frasersmummy · 14/09/2009 16:09

aww cake I know where you are coming from

I did everything right and my little boy was stillborn

I get angry at the unfairness of the world when I see people taking risks and still having a healthy baby

Its a normal reaction.

curiositykilled · 14/09/2009 16:12

I'm very sorry for your loss CakeandFineWine.

YANBU even if you are feeling raw, it's horrible to see.

My first boyfriend (I was 14, have a soft spot for him) is getting married next week and his fiancee is pregnant and due shortly after me. I have never met her but she was in my sister's year at school so I know her by sight. I spotted her a few weeks ago standing outside the jobcentre swigging a can of lager and having a cigarette at 2pm!

It made me so upset partly because it's horrible and inappropriate in so many ways. Standing outside the jobcentre at 2pm drinking and smoking is quite off anyway, nevermind doing it when pregnant.It makes me just want to grab the cig/lager, stamp on it and shake her screaming "you stupid little girl"

Asana · 14/09/2009 16:13

YANBU to be annoyed at seeing pregnant women smoking, but, coming from someone who has suffered a miscarriage in the past, if you are annoyed solely because you tragically lost your baby, then YABU. Life deals us all a shit-stick sometimes; doesn't mean I resent other people their happiness or luck or stupidity.

I should hold my hand up and admit that I smoked sporadically during my subsequent pregnancy, even after that miscarriage. Irrational and illogical, but I did it nonetheless. I could understand why another woman trying to get pregnant/who had suffered a miscarriage would be annoyed/upset at seeing me do it, but it doesn't necessarily make it reasonable to the person on the receiving end of such annoyance.

stonethecrows · 14/09/2009 16:14

YANBU.

Would people say that it is none of their business if they saw a mother forcing their child to smoke a cigarette? Sorry, but I feel that smoking during pregnancy equates to pretty much the same thing.

So sorry to hear about your MC.

Original poster
CakeandFineWine · 14/09/2009 16:15

I'm glad I'm not the only one,
I know on the one hand IAMU
BUT Fuck it I feel I can justify being judgemental on the other hand.
And it is selfish to not be able to give up your vices for such a short period of time!!
How many people out there are desperate for children or had MC's or stillborns (butterball !!) and there are people who wonder round behaving like this....

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2009 16:19

I really do appreciate how hurt and generally angry at the world you must feel but other people's behaviour didn't cause your MC and has no effect on your ability to concieve. They are entitled to do what they like WRT their own bodies, PG or not.

francagoestohollywood · 14/09/2009 16:24

I'm really sorry for your miscarriage, and in a way I do understand where you are coming from.
But, rationally, I have to echo SolidGoldBrass' post.

beaniesinthebucketagain · 14/09/2009 16:26

cakeandfinewine i completely agree with you,

Im sorry but when you are pregnant i dont think we are entilted to do what we want, we are carrying life which deserves care and respect and hooking it on something which can be potentionally very harmful, ive seen the effects of fas, is just plain wrong, i have no time for people who get pregnant and smoke, sorry but no craving can be that bad you stop thinking about th health of the life inside you!

OtterInaSkoda · 14/09/2009 16:35

"no craving can be that bad you stop thinking about the health of the life inside you" Sorry but I disagree. Doesn't make it right, but there are addictions that pg women cannot control, even by thinking of the life inside of them.
fwiw I don't count myself among women in this category but I did sporadically smoke when I was pg. And had the odd drink. Not big, not clever. But like a lot of women the baby is very abstract - kind of unreal. I'm not saying that excuses what I did but it does help explain it.
I agree with SGB, but OP - YANBU to be upset.

Cheepz · 14/09/2009 16:36

I agreee with some of the other posters here that actuually when you are pregnant you can no longer only think about yourself because it is not just your body its your unborn childs body that you are effecting with your actions. It has been prven that smoking in pregnancy is detrimental to the health of the baby and so doing it is selfish on the part of the mother.

This whole idea that 'its your body and you can do what you like with it' is fine right up until the point where you are reponsible for someone else.

How many people would say YANBU to someone who posted 'is it unreasonable that I am forcing my newborn baby to smoke every day?

posieparker · 14/09/2009 16:40

Of course pg women shouldn't smoke, it is and looks hideous.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 14/09/2009 16:44

YANBU on both things - feeling anger towards still pg women after a MC is totally normal. It will fade. I felt the urge to kick pg women in the stomach when I was on my way home to collect my things to go back for a D&C. My best mate was with me (also pg) through the whole thing and that was ok - but seeing her unconsciously stroke her bump was not. Awful.

Seeing women seemingly being careless with the precious pregnancies is especially galling. But it's not their fault. Their pgs and yours are totally unrelated. Another mate had to have a termination soon after I mcd and that was weird - but I had to separate hers from mine - they are not linked. You will have a healthy baby I'm sure in the future.

Oh, and drinking is not the same as smoking while pg - honestly. The odd drink (even lager swilled outside the jobcentre )won't hurt, whereas the odd cigarette is potentially very harmful.

ErikaMaye · 14/09/2009 16:46

There was a group of people from my antenatal class the other week who went outside for a smoke break - and then went on to discuss who was bringing the drink and drugs to the party

I'm sorry to hear of all your losses.

hippomother · 14/09/2009 17:24

YANBU. It chills me to see a pregnant woman smoking. I cannot understand why someone would want to harm their child in such a way.

dee0468 · 14/09/2009 17:34

I understand your feelings completely. I tried to conceive for 2 years with my 1st child and couldn't help feeling a bit like that when I saw pregnant women smoking. I also hated it when mums of dads smoked with babies in the pushchair or worse in the car. It was the same when I miscarried too. However, I did go onto have another child.

Sorry to hear about loss. I wish you well for the future too.

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