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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be so annoyed at seeing pregnant women smoking.....

177 replies

CakeandFineWine · 14/09/2009 15:56

GGGRRRHH.

Following my miscarriage 2 weeks ago. granted I'm a little raw...

But god it annoys me when I quit smoking before I even starting TTC, I didn't drink a drop, took my folic acid and followed the do's and don'ts of foods to the T.
And still MC'ed
And I see pregnant ladies walking around smoking or drinking in pubs..........

ITS SO UNJUST!!!!!!!

OP posts:
groundhogs · 14/09/2009 21:50

kat2907:"YANBU on both things - feeling anger towards still pg women after a MC is totally normal. It will fade. I felt the urge to kick pg women in the stomach when I was on my way home to collect my things to go back for a D&C."

I have had 3 consecutive MCs, and not one, I repeat NOT ONE, ever gave me ANY reason to feel hatred or anger towards another totally innocent or blameless woman, who's luck happened to be better than mine at that point in our lives.

The occasional drink or cig, while undesirable, unattractive or whatever; is at the womans own risk. We have to be responsible and accepting of our own lives and keep out of other womens business.

Hando · 14/09/2009 22:04

I too dislike seeing pregnant women smoking. However there is no way of telling if that was one of her 40 a day or the first and only 2 puffs she had in her whole pregnancy.

I smoked before I was pregnant and had the odd one or two whilst pregnant - perhaps a couple a month. I did feel guilty for it though.

Although I think women shouldn't smoke when pregnant, they should think of their unborn baby and I agree a baby has a right to not have to be subjected to all those chemicals......

However - you cannot "ban" pregnant women from smoking!!!

How could we possibly enforce a law that says to a pregnant woman - "Excuse me, you are 4 months pregnant - you are breaking the law by smoking and risking the health of your unborn baby, that is illegal. However, should you decide to kill your unborn child by having an abortion - that's ok, just not smoking.

They totally contradict one another. If an unborn baby's life were to be regarded before a mothers then they would have to change the laws on abortion.

WidowWadman · 14/09/2009 22:26

I've smoked in pregnancy. Not many, I'm not proud of it, but I just didn't manage to stop. I felt ashamed every time I lit up. I haven't had a single cigarette since I went into labour and my daughter is now a happy, healthy almost 9 months old.

I feel very guilty about every single cig I smoked in pregnancy, but I'm very happy and proud for having stopped now and not exposing her to the smell, and the toxins which still linger on the skin after having had a fag, even if you go outside and away from the child to smoke.

I don't judge mothers who smoke, but I think it's a bit rich of someone who takes up smoking again shortly after birth to look down on women who didn't give up in pregnancy. After all you're still exposing your child to unneccessary risk.

arabicabean · 14/09/2009 22:54

It does not concern me in the slightest if a pregnant woman smokes or drinks. Their baby, their risk evaluation, their outcome.
I expect people to make their own informed decisions on what they do during pregnancy.

stonethecrows · 15/09/2009 06:56

Muddle, so sorry for your loss, that must have been horrific for you.

Still absolutely amazed by the "my body, my choice" comments on here, though. You choose to have a baby, surely you then choose to do the right thing by that baby? And all medical opinion is that smoking is really not a great idea when pregnant. Yes, you may get a healthy baby, but there again you have an increased risk of making your child v. poorly.

I have a child who is asthmatic (runs in family, rather than through me smoking). It makes me sick to think that some people could have avoided their child being so poorly, but didn't through their own selfishness.

And if that sounds self righteous, I really couldn't care less - at least it's not completely selfish.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 15/09/2009 08:57

Interesting this and I am sorry for everyones losses.

I am 21 weeks pregnant and smoked for the first 12 weeks or so, gave up and then started smoking again.

I have given up again and am actually just at the 1 month stage but in all honesty it took feeling my baby move for the first time for me to realise this baby is real.

As for looking at pregnant woman and judging them i dont, but i have plenty of people judge me for having a puff on my inhalator which surely is much better than an actual ciggie. By the way i could not contemplate smoking now as i would feel far to guilty.

Pregnant woman can not avoid this and to some degree i feel its unjust.

thesecondcoming · 15/09/2009 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skihorse · 15/09/2009 09:42

curiosity "being above 35 bmi would not be a size 14-16 unless you were under 5ft and terribly small boned! I am a size 12-14 at a bmi of 22 because I am 5ft 7 and have wide hips and shoulders. "

We are all different. I have a BMI of 35, am 5'4" and have a 31" waist (currently dammit). Solid gold muscle! Even wearing a size 12 (10 on top) I had a BMI of 30. It's all absolute ka-ka! So there you go, the next time you see a girl walking down the street in a size 16 - now you know she's seriously obese and a danger to herself and all those around her - and pavements/chairs etc!

ButtercupWafflehead · 15/09/2009 09:43

Interesting reading,

IMO parenthood is all about sacrifice. It is my body, and I have the right to do what I like with it - yes, but never at the expense of my children. We sacrifice our sleep, energy, money, personality, social life, career - everything for our children.

I can't help but feel that if someone can't give up smoking for a child then how are they ever going to cope with all the subsequent sacrifices.

So sorry for the people who have lost children, whatever the circumstances.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/09/2009 09:53

You see, I dislike the pernicious myth that parenthood is 'all about sacrifice' because it is so often used as a misogynists' weapon. Some people genuinely seem to think that if a PG woman or mother isn't acitvely making herself unhappy she is Bad and Selfish. And there are far more calls for placing restrictions and prohibitions on women's behaviour 'for the sake of the children' than there ever are on restricting the activities of corporations which do things harmful to children. This big deal made about the importance of self-sacrifice in women is really for men's benefit, it's about keeping women in a subsidiary, service appliance role.

ButtercupWafflehead · 15/09/2009 09:55

Pff, well it doesn't feel like "for the men's benefit" when I am up in the night again BFing my newborn etc.

Perhaps I am too selfish, but I can zpot a zillion sacrifices that parents make all day every day because they have chosen to bring children into the world.

WidowWadman · 15/09/2009 10:11

Buttercup- Do you want a medal? Parenthood is all about bringing a small human into the world and trying to raise him or her to be a happy and content person. It's not all about sacrifices, but enjoyment. Yes, it's not easy, and especially night feeds can get a bit draining, but by putting on the "oh, look what a martyr I am" record, you're not making it any easier for anyone involved. Stop regarding it as sacrifices and you'll find things easier.

Your claim that someone who can't give up smoking during pregnancy is unfit for parenting as she doesn't have the mindset for all these sacrifices is just offensive and bears no relation to reality.

ButtercupWafflehead · 15/09/2009 10:14

WW you have misunderstood me.

By "sacrifice" I don't mean that we, as parents are hard-done-by.

I mean that things change, because we have other people to think about as well as ourselves, often before ourselves.

I just happen to think that smoking is one of those things which should change, one of many many things.

2shoes · 15/09/2009 10:33

y Hando on Mon 14-Sep-09 22:04:18 good post

Nancy10 · 15/09/2009 10:47

I think smoking when pregnant and around babies and children is disgusting!!! I appreciate its a difficult habit to kick but to risk the health of your unborn baby is a disgrace. Women have the 'right' to do what they like to themselves but not when it affects the health and life of someone else. I wouldn't dream of giving my opinion to someone who smokes whilst pregnant (unless they asked!) But it's my 'right' to THINK exactly what I like. Just like it's a babys 'right' to be given the best start in life and another baby/child/adults 'right' to not have to breathe dangerous fumes!!!

alypaly · 15/09/2009 10:50

totally agree...but then ive never smoked and cant stand the smell. Maybe they should give it a cigarette when it pops out,as it will get withdrawal symptoms like addicts babies...even if only minor.

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 15/09/2009 11:15

it is a very hard habit to kick and for those who have not smoked i dont think you understand how hard it is.

Every time i put a cigerette in my mouth do you not think i knew hw bad it was i didnt think oh sod it sod the baby etc. Even after having a scan it still did not seem real to me that i had a baby inside me. My dh asked if i would put a ciggie in the babies mouth when hes born hell no of course not! But the moment i felt the first move of my son that gave me what i needed. I have heard some midwives actually say its not worth the stress giving up when pregnant. But for me its been easy as every kick is a reminder he is well and alive and growing excellantly.

I wont judge woman who smoke during pregnancy as i know from my own experience how hard it is to quit.

alypaly · 15/09/2009 11:22

sod the stress its the babies body. B4 it kicks you its been smoking for at least 16 weeks. Do it for the vbaby not for yourself...sorry this is one of my real hates
Cant believe a midwife saying its not worth the stress of giving up whilst you are pregnant......wat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

iateallthecreameggsyummy · 15/09/2009 11:35

yep aly it has been said by some midwives i have heard it from various mothers.

I have given up for my baby but still get judged and looked at because i use a smoking aid - an inhalator which does the baby no harm at all.

phantomnamechanger · 15/09/2009 11:38

my father has worked for many years as a chaplain to a childrens hospital in one of englands major cities, he would often be called out in the night to emergencies, where they thought a baby/child would not survive and the parents wanted counselling/baby to be blessed or baptised.

Time and time again he has had to comfort people who, in their pain and anguish, are questioning "why did god do this to me".....while smoking.

he would be the first to say that while one must still feel nothing but sympathy for these people and their babies, you do wonder WHY they don't realise that THEY have taken a huge RISK, and are now paying the price

its just very sad that anyone would risk this, given all the info available to us

yes healthy babies are born to smokers, but they may have problems later in childhood, or just be the lucky ones who defy the odds(like my 82 yr old uncle who died last year NOT from cancer or heart disease,having chain smoked for 60 years!)

alypaly · 15/09/2009 11:45

i had a very prem baby 4lbs 4 oz and the doctors had the cheek to ask me if i had been smoking during pregnancy.I was so insulted. Do they not read medical records...i have never touched a cigarette in my life...get a better bedside manner you doctors. Maybe it was because you got all my scan details wrong and the baby got smaller as time went by...ultrasonographer got her measurements for dates wrong and my babies thigh bone suddenly got smaller professionals

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/09/2009 12:02

Oh I judge definitely. I know a woman who as three children with asthma. She smoked. Duh. It's irresponsible and weak. I gave up - it seems like a no-brainer to me, but you can't legislate about it, any more than how much pg women drink, whether they eat properly, whether they do extreme sports, have antenatal care, or anything else. It's the individual's responsibility to do the right thing.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/09/2009 12:04

Groundhogs - I never said it was rational. It was how I reacted and I have the right to react to a tragedy in my life however I want. I didn't actually kick anyone, FGS.

somewhathorrified · 15/09/2009 12:05

I'm curious, how many of you have actually read the research papers on smoking during pregnancy and how many of you are going off what you've been told by others?

alypaly · 15/09/2009 12:07

put in your mind a picture of a foetus with a cigarette in its mouth, a beer in its hand,
gasping for iron tablets,in order to breathe, suffering from anaemia,folic acid deprivation, banging up and down if mum is horse riding.or windsurfing....would you do it. I know that until your pregnancy is confirmed you carry on as normal...but please think of baby...they cant choose..