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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried that I will never find love if I admit to being feminist?

140 replies

poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 11:40

And ashamed to admit that I probably am one? It has a really bad press.
My version of it is to celebrate being a woman and feminity but to love men. It also includes EQUALITy for men and women.

So many women hate feminism or are ashamed of it . Why?

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 11:42

My version of feminism does not include man hating or bra burning(well not all of the time!)
I quite like the idea of finding a rich man and staying at home but I'm equally glad taht I have such a good education and I'm glad that I can be independantish.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 11:42

In short I think it means CHOICE.

OP posts:
TheDMshouldbeRivened · 02/09/2009 11:43

why be ashamed to admit you want equality for women which is what being a feminist is about?
Femisnism was never about man-hating!
I'm proud to be a feminist and I'd only want a man who saw women as equals.

Tommy · 02/09/2009 11:45

depends whether you go round shouting that you are a feminist or if you just behave in a normal, sensible way and meet people who are reasonable and repsectful.

I am a feminist and have found love - so have my sisters, Mum, many friends etc

BitOfFun · 02/09/2009 11:47

I think you won't have problems finding love if you are a nice positive person to know. No need to complicate the issue really.

ninedragons · 02/09/2009 11:50

Don't be silly. My DH is a strident feminist, as indeed are all of my male friends. That equality is desirable is really just taken as a given these days, by both men and women.

Bleh · 02/09/2009 11:52

Pah, the man-hating line came from either:

  • men who feel threatened with the idea of women wanting to be equal
  • women who do actually hate men.
I really don't get this "feminism as a bad thing" malarkey that is going around. What is wrong with wanting to be treated equally?
msrisotto · 02/09/2009 11:55

What ninedragons said.

I'm a feminist and have found love. I don'[t think it's that big of a deal. It's like with any belief, if you shove it down peoples throats all the time it will be v annoying though.

nickelbabe · 02/09/2009 11:57

I'm a feminist.
It's all to do with equality and fairness.
giving everybody the same chances and choices regardless of their background and gender.
if you're capable, then you should be given the chance, not what you look like.

said · 02/09/2009 11:58

I don't see what there is to "admit". I mean, you just are, they are your values and you meet someone who has like-minded values. Et voila, love! (Sort of). It's not anything you need to announce. Your views are revealed as you get to know someone and why would you want to be with a man who isn't a feminist?

NotPlayingAnyMore · 02/09/2009 11:59

YABU - if a man can't or won't recognise that it's not a fight for supremacy, but for equality, then he's not worth having anyway.

junglist1 · 02/09/2009 12:00

Many women are afraid of feminism because of the negative stereotypes surrounding it. Feminists don't shave, they are all man hating lesbians, they look like men etc. These stereotypes become so ingrained into society that they can be taken as fact. People seem to be especially scared of radical feminists, who are the hairiest ones of all
How nice that your H is a feminist, nine dragons. There are some good men out there, thank God

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 12:00

You are all right. As long as I don't go round banging on about it I should be ok.
I was just reading some interesting response in the Daily Telegraph to Fay Weldon's assertion that women should go round picking up socks in order to keep their men happy.
The responses were quite depressing. Shame I don't have a link.

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womenfirst · 02/09/2009 12:00

Do you want to find love with someone who thinks feminism is a load of crap?

I know of some men who are feminists, more that are into equality, and more that are willing to learn and understand why these things might be important to the woman they love even if they don't get it properly themselves. (All taken btw!)

If you believed in god you might want a partner who did too, or you might just want someone who respected your right to believe in whatever you wanted and totally supported you to do so.

You can be/ believe whatever you want, no need to be ashamed. Please don't be. It makes it harder for other people to admit the same things and might make them think there is indeed something to be ashamed of. And it makes it easier for people who are threatened by feminism (for example) to dismiss it as something you should be ashamed of.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 12:02

I think that I do have a lot of issues around men which has made me resent the way in which women are treated in general or even the way in which we victimise ourselves as a gender in general but I do enjoy a bit of masculinity as much as the next girl!

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BlingLoving · 02/09/2009 12:03

I'm a feminist. Strident in fact. But I don't hate men, burn bras or think being a feminist means I have to deny the fact that I am a woman and therefore intrinsically different to men.

I have found love and DH understands and respects where I'm coming from. And is slowly but surely becoming more hard core himself as I indoctrinate educate him.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 12:03

Wow- I need to find a feminist bloke!

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IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 12:04

My first husband cited my feminism in our divorce!

I don't hate men but would never want to be one.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 12:05

When I was at Uni I shared a flat with a woman who hated women in general and who made out that she was a real tom boy. All her mates were men. She laughed at my dissertation on gender stereotypes. Thing is- she turned out to be the girliest girl of the lot! And she shafted me as a female too by running off with the bloke who I had a thing with.
Phew- complicated!

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 02/09/2009 12:06

In the divorce? Did he get laughed at?

beanieb · 02/09/2009 12:06

I think many people have a weird idea of what feminism is. Perhaps you are a bit unclear about what it really means to be a feminist?

Starbear · 02/09/2009 12:09

I'm a feminist (sometimes wish I wasn't) My DH and I both have in common that our grandmothers and mothers have worked (not always through choice) It would be unthinkable in my family that women don't have equal say in what happens. This hasn't always made everyone happy. Long hours with piles of housework still to be done but its the norm for us. My sister-in-law who is also my cousin, is Pakistani. I have know her, her whole life but we have always lived in different countries. When she married my DB, people (on her side) were horrified that my DB did his fair share of housework and all the cooking. He has supported her in a career not just a job. They are the happiest of her brothers and sisters (8) I'm very fortunate that i can work part-time.
I remember clearly on holiday having a very heated debate with my friend's boyfriend re this subject to the point we're shouting. A guest and new friend told me on a beach skinny dipping a few nights later, that he was loved the fact I lost my temper, it made me look passionate. Skinny dipping helped him fall in love with me too! No He is not my DH and don't tell him

junglist1 · 02/09/2009 12:13

To me, feminism is speaking up against sexist jibes, questionning the enablement of domestic abusers (eg don't get in his face let him calm down if he's angry) wearing what I want and cutting my hair as short as I want, not doing housework out of duty to a man, and being part of a sisterhood where women shouldn't stab each other in the back

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 12:16

Bling he had a very expensive, quite well known divorce lawyer who totally fleeced him and allowed him to send a series of ridiculous letters.

He also sent me another letter asking me to return items of jewellery, handbags and dresses as they were bought for me when I had the status of Mrs Twat and as I was no longer that person I could no longer wear/ use said items.

AMumInScotland · 02/09/2009 12:28

I am a feminist, though it's not usually a word I would use to label myself - I tend not to go round saying "I'm an ....ist" of any type. But people who get to know me know what my values and expectations are, and we either get along or not, depending how that interacts with their values.

I had no problem finding love, and have a marriage which I am happy in and consider to be based on equality.

That doesn't mean we are 2 identical people, or that I'm not allowed (and happy) to wear nice clothes, shave my legs, etc.

It only has to become an issue if you make it one - you say that you have "a lot of issues around men". If you're finding it hard meeting and getting on with men, then you might want to look at what your issues are, what they're based on, and whether you're perhaps coming across as strident and militant about it. There's nothing wrong with being those things in response to sexist comments or assumptions, but it can be off-putting if you launch into it when no-one has said or done anything to cause offence.