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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried that I will never find love if I admit to being feminist?

140 replies

poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 11:40

And ashamed to admit that I probably am one? It has a really bad press.
My version of it is to celebrate being a woman and feminity but to love men. It also includes EQUALITy for men and women.

So many women hate feminism or are ashamed of it . Why?

OP posts:
Habbibu · 04/09/2009 15:37

When I was younger I too "ran a mile" from labelling myself a feminist. But that seemed to get me nowhere - you kind of have to accept that despite superficial appearances, and the odd real change, there is so, so much still to change before women are treated as equal beings - in the West, never mind anywhere else in the world. It's like saying that because there is a black president in the US, we may as well ditch the term racist, or anti-racist, etc - it's a change to be welcomed, but the beginning, not the end.

Feminism as a term is still valuable and valid because it's a reminder that this struggle is about women, and that the voices of women are still too muffled and pushed down. Yes, there are other battles still to be fought in other areas of equality, but to drop the term feminist implies it's just not that important any more. But it's half the world. It is bloody important.

I think men can be feminists, though, dittany - I don't think you have to have the full experience of being a woman to be a feminist; I've experienced relatively little discrimination as a woman, so my experience isn't that of other feminists, and I think standing together with the same "label" makes a stronger impact that something like "pro-feminist". Which mostly makes me think of yoghurt.

The media image/body image thing, while important, is in danger of side-tracking more important issues, I think, and so I don't agree it's the best place to start - it still focuses on women in terms of their self-image and perception of how they look - yes, changing that would be good, but there are much more fundamental issues to be dealt with.

thesecondcoming · 04/09/2009 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 04/09/2009 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkaterGrrrrl · 04/09/2009 15:50

"Given that "feminists" have already won their main battles"

Um....

Women still earn less than their male counterparts doing the same job

1 in 4 women will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime ? many of these on a number of occasions.

One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute.

On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.

Women's bodies are increasing objectified in advertising & popular culture.

Maternity leave and childcare adversely affect mothers' careers, not fathers'.

That's just in the UK, don't get me started on women's rights (or lack thereof) in Afghanistan, female genital mutilation in Africa or child brides in India.

tethersend · 04/09/2009 15:52

Good post dittany

Habbibu · 04/09/2009 15:55

Oh, well, yes, I agree with the "not needing the stamp of approval from men" - but to my mind that doesn't preclude men from standing alongside nonetheless, iyswim? It's a bit like whites in the anti-apartheid movement - not fundamental to change, but nonetheless welcome and equally fighting for the same thing.

Blerg. I am very tired today and not expressing myself well. I just like the fact that DH is so clearly a feminist, I guess, and am happy that dd is growing up with two feminist parents.

And yes, skater - that "main battles won" to my mind is a dangerous assumption. It's like saying to black people - "you're not slaves any more - what more do you want?"

ManicMother7777 · 04/09/2009 16:39

I'd imagine that if you went on a first date and said 'I'm a feminist' even before the prawn cocktail, it might be a little offputting but in the longer term, any bloke who objects to a feminist is not worth having IMO!

LadyoftheBathtub · 04/09/2009 16:55

But I'm the kind of person who would say "I'm a feminist" before the prawn cocktail because I would like any man who doesn't like feminists to make his excuses and leave

I agree with what some others have said - you want to make it bloody clear from day 1 that you expect equality and respect and zero sexism. Not being a feminist is to invite men to see you as less good than them and to act accordingly. And you will end up with a man who thinks like that. Ok so maybe there are more sexist men than truly equal-minded men - but you can keep them all!

And if women ever see any sign of being treated unequally, disrespected because they are female, or abused in any way they should tackle it there and then, object to it, and if the man doesn't wake up they should leave. If more women were feminist enough to say no to "love" for those reasons, we wouldn't have so many women staying in and tolerating abusive relationships, and subjecting children to them, they way they do. Feminism isn't about burning your bra and having hairy legs, it's about living a life that says you're equal in worth to a man.

I for example would never, ever change my name if I got married (we actually aren't married but DP knows this) - but I know women who have got married and their DH wanted them to change their name and expressed disappointment or disapproval if they considered not doing it. I would never have got past the prawn cocktail with a man who thought that way, and in fact I would rather be single and not find love than deal with that attitude.

girlafraid · 04/09/2009 17:42

" I don't know what a feminist is but I do know that people call me one whenever I express an opinion that differentiates me from a doormat"

Hear hear R West!

I'm not ashamed to call myself one but not ashamed to call myself a socialist either so I'm pretty unfashionable. Luckily DH is also a socialist feminist, they do exist!

AliGrylls · 04/09/2009 18:31

Poshsinglemum,

Are you sure you are not an equalist? It is a darn good idea to celebrate being a woman. After all, on the whole I find being a woman a rather positive experience.

Ninks · 04/09/2009 23:24

The author Pat Conroy, (a man) has a fabulous sweet-as-sugar-but-hard-as-nails- character who has experienced the worst that men can do since early childhood. She summarises her stance thus:

"Feminism? What nonsense. I have long believed that the female of the species is far superior to the male"

womenfirst · 04/09/2009 23:54

This is a good article I think to address why we need feminism. If you read it and imagine that the comments the journalist speaks of were about black people then you start to really understand where we're at, and why we still have such a long way to go.

And does anyone else object to 'girl power'? Or is it just me?

poshsinglemum · 05/09/2009 09:25

Thanks for all your interesting replies again. After reading this I feel proud to call myself a feminist.
In the past I have tried and failed to seeek the approval of men but now I wantt to make myself happy and be myself.
I love men but I am no longer going to believe that I am lacking if I don't have one.

OP posts:
claw3 · 05/09/2009 13:11

Posh - Making yourself happy has its down side...costs a small fortune in batteries

SkaterGrrrrl · 28/09/2009 16:44

Men and women are both harmed by gender stereotypes, so a more equal society benefits all of us If its damaging for women to be categorized as emotional and catty, its just as hard for a man to be strong & silent or aggressive or sex crazed or any other stereotype you can name.

I am a feminist and so is my gorgeous husband. I always knew growing up that it would take me a while to find my life partner, simply because I was looking for someone who was "strong enough to be my man" as the song goes. I married in my 30s, a good few years after all my friends. And he was totally worth waiting for. And even though Im a feminist it doesn't mean I don't look after him - I do. He cooks, I iron his shirts. He gardens, I hang up pictures. Being a feminist to me doesn't mean I cant look after him - but he supports me equally too. Hang in there. Being a feminist is not a turn off! Men like women with goals, self-respect and busy full lives.

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