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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried that I will never find love if I admit to being feminist?

140 replies

poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 11:40

And ashamed to admit that I probably am one? It has a really bad press.
My version of it is to celebrate being a woman and feminity but to love men. It also includes EQUALITy for men and women.

So many women hate feminism or are ashamed of it . Why?

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/09/2009 12:31

YABU
be proud. Plenty of men respect feminists and ever are feminists. If you have to pretend to be less than you are to find a man you will never be happy.

Oh and people don't like the word because they have misconceptions about what it entails. Being ashamed to call yourself one isn't helping with that either! I have started dialogues with people who actually express surprise that I call myself a feminist, which has led to some myth debunking about what it means which can only be a good thing.

Starbear · 02/09/2009 12:32

Did he plan to wear them? Prat! Talking about men wearing womens clothes (I know you weren't but anyway.) Saw a bloke walking down a road near by with a full, long beard t-shirt, a brown skirt and trainers. He seemed very comfortable. Ds decided it wasn't a man in a skirt but a woman with a beard and then said could he have ice cream after dinner!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/09/2009 12:32

Fay Weldon, for example, is a twat. And not a feminist, IMO.

shonaspurtle · 02/09/2009 12:37

I'm a feminist. My dh, my mum, my dad, my friends (male & female) are all feminists. Surely that's the default position these days? Or should be.

The problem is with what people perceive the term "feminism" to mean - the old bra burning, hairy-armpitted, Millie Tant cliches. That's other people's problem imo though, not mine.

Being a feminist is just recognising that gender roles dictate a lot less than was thought. That's not to say that the genders are not different but we are different but equal.

If you think something is "a man's job" or "the woman's role" it's worth taking some time to work out why you think that and if that's really the case or just gender stereotyping.

I think most sensible people get this. Eg, it's nice if you open doors for people (men & women), both men and women can be carers, both men and women can leave their children and go out to work, both men and women can hoover.

Starbear · 02/09/2009 12:37

A friend had a wife who would say she was a feminist but what she really was argumentative and expected other women around her to always side with her, no matter what the argument was. Not an attractive quality in a partner or friend. They had a row about the washing up once I suggested they got a dishwasher! The daggers I got

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 12:45

I really do not understand why you would be ashamed to admit you are a feminist, and if you are ashamed you are not a feminist really.

lisianthus · 02/09/2009 12:48

(from said) "I don't see what there is to "admit". I mean, you just are, they are your values and you meet someone who has like-minded values. Et voila, love! (Sort of). It's not anything you need to announce. Your views are revealed as you get to know someone and why would you want to be with a man who isn't a feminist?"

Hear hear. My DH is definitely a feminist - let's face it, aren't most people now? I think a lot of men start thinking about this kind of thing more when they have daughters too, as they want their LOs to be able to grow up in a world where they aren't disadvantaged because of their sex.

As mentioned above, why would you want to be with a man who thinks you are a less worthwhile human being because you are female?

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/09/2009 12:53

poshsinglemum, was this train of thought sparked by the Fay Weldon comments? She must be some age now and is possibly losing her marbles? Don't know very much about her so can't really comment. You also mention feminism having a "bad press" - DailyMale please take note, that's YOUR fault!! Never believe every(any?)thing you read in the press, they're just trying to sell you their rag and end up selling you their stance instead.

I am a feminist, but it's not a thought that strikes me often, probably less often than I think about being a human - in many ways they are a bit synonymous these days, most people (that I know well enough to have an opinion on) are probably feminists now. Those who aren't - well, not worth the time of day, certainly wouldn't want to fall for them!

There's no reason you won't find love if you admit to being a feminist. (Admit? why not just 'say'?) All the good blokes are too.

As for (some?) women hating/being embarrassed by feminism - they must be very young if they can't remember the crap inequality that women had to put up with in the past. Again - blame the press!

ABetaDad · 02/09/2009 12:54

poshsinglemum - you are being daft! I mean that in a really nice way.

DW does not call herself a feminist but she is one and I love her for it. All our female friends are feminists and all happily married too.

The only thing I would advise is not to shove your feminism in the face of men you meet. It is frankly boring - like a bloke who ges on and on about football. Just be feminist, expect equal and fair treatment and get on with life.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 12:59

Hi all,

Thanks for your interesting replies.
I think I have been a bit confused about what it means to be feminist but I think that itsn't set in stone and grows along with ourselves.
Us women are full of contradictopns. I love clothes and dressing up but hate the size zero stereotype.
I read women's magazines but moan about the dubious messaged they send us.
I shave my legs and arm pits but I don't find women who don't ugly. I think if you don't want to shave- fine.
I haveba good education and I want my dd to be the same.

I pride myself on being independant but at the same time I am currently on benefits until dd is two and I long for the financial security that a husband brings.
I am happy being a single mum but at the same time I want to be loved.
I don't think I will be ashamed to call myself a feminist anymore. I have definately been talking to the wrong blokes.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 13:01

Sorry about bad spellings!

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 13:02

I think that as a single woman I feel less settled and secure than a married woman which conflicts with my feminist values and is probably a load of bollocks!

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 02/09/2009 13:25

poshsinglemum - I thought your comment about 'finding a rich man' was interesting. Is that what you are looking for? Its just that a lot of 'self made' rich blokes tend to be rather erm...traditonal in their views of their role as provider and little woman at home. Not all are of course but a lot are that I have worked with.

Maybe broaden your horizons a bit on the type you are looking for?

AMumInScotland · 02/09/2009 13:29

I don't think there's anything odd or un-feminist about feeling you'd be happier and more secure within a relationship - it means you (hopefully) have someone to share the good and bad bits of life with, which I think is what the majority of people want.

There's nothing wrong in wanting to be in a stable supportive relationship. It would only be wrong if you think being in any marriage would be better than being single, or that it's simply impossible to be happy when not in a relationship.

MorrisZapp · 02/09/2009 13:32

Would you be happy in a relationship with a man who thinks that feminists burn their bras and hate men?

I wouldn't.

It's mad isn't it, nobody would ever hesitate to say 'I'm an anti-racist' yet if you don't accept sexism you can end up having to apologise and make caveats so that others don't feel frightened.

If you have to apologise for being a feminist then you're dating the wrong men imo.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 02/09/2009 13:44

I'm not really bothered about how much he earns tbh but I guess I want to be pampered a bit but not necesarily in the material sense.
I never used to go for rich men but the poor one's turned out to be pants anyway!

OP posts:
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 13:52

Why can you not bring your own financial security? I had financial security from a man and hated it.

HerBeatitude · 02/09/2009 13:54

I think this sentiment is a bit sad really.

It implies that women will only find love if they settle for a neanderthal. It's a very poor opinion of men, many of them aren't that bad you know.

anniemac · 02/09/2009 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Habbibu · 02/09/2009 13:56

I married a feminist. It's the way to go.

BlingLoving · 02/09/2009 14:22

IonlyRead (I can't see you who are normally - it cuts off your new name half way) - I am still gobsmackedby your exH's attitude. But mostly I think it's funny - I hope you've been dining out on those sort of stories for years now? Moron.

PoshSingleMum - I think some people do struggle with the fact that feminism (IMO) also means that you can't guarantee you'll get financial stability etc from a man. In my case, I earn more than 4x what DH does and we will seriously consider him becoming a SAHD when the time comes. I have been told by some women (even on MN) that I should be careful about this because it means that should DH and I seperate, I may struggle to get custody or may have to pay maintenance. I see that as the risk I take for the upside of living in a society where I am not treated as a second class citizen simply because I am a man. And it means that I have been able to marry a man that I love, even though he could not afford to "keep" me.

Hazeyjane · 02/09/2009 14:25

I was just about to post exactly what Habbibu said!

Marry a feminist.

Habbibu · 02/09/2009 14:33
IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 14:37

Bling I do find it funny and have a back catalogue of similar corkers.

I do think I have subconsciously chosen to be with a man who will probably earn less than me. I do have a large ego and find that I need to be with someone who will not be competing with me. Having married an alpha male who wanted a woman he could keep, dress up and send out I tend to run a mile from that kind of man now.

skihorse · 02/09/2009 14:38

junglist hits on very valid points in her first statement. Naomi Wolf's "The Beauty Myth" suggests that it is men who have perpetuated the myth that feminists are "hairy, bra-burning lesbians" - which of course keeps women nicely in their places, non? I have sadly met women who say they're not feminists, because they like men and they're not "dirty". I ask them if they're OK about being paid less...

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