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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume that this man was a sex offender

222 replies

blinks · 19/08/2009 00:49

wondering whether or not i responded fairly to this guy today...

took my two girlies (4 and 1.5) to local canal avec swans/duck etc and on way back along path this man on a bike spotted us and stopped right beside us as we fed the swans. no-one else around

he looks a bit of an unlikely cyclist in the first place and he seems a bit agitated, albeit in a friendly way. VERY keen to strike up a conversation. After 10 seconds or so he got off his bike and stood quite near to us, talking about the swans in an extremely animated manner.

something about him really spooked me. it was a combination of the way he seemed very focussed on us, intent on talking to us, was extremely excited, talking really quickly and i suppose his appearance.

i decided to trust my instinct and get out of there asap, pulling my eldest up a muddy verge to get to the roadside. we crossed the bridge and i glanced down to the canal to see him kind of fiddling with his crotch... nothing exposed but definately fumbling in that area.

i was really shaken up by this but talking to my DH about it i'm wondering did i read this situation fairly? i'm wondering if i should report him to the police but then, what for? he didn't really do anything solidly illegal. verrrrrry creepy though.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 18:01

'Speak for yourself Goblinchild. You might play headgames with men but I know plenty of women who don't. '

I don't.
I know a lot of women that do, but from your ability to be plain-speaking and say what you mean, I believe that you are not one of them.

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 18:02

have oyu all told the OP he sounds mentally ill not a perv?

ADealingMummy · 19/08/2009 18:33

YANBU ,

Pawsandclaws summed it up perfectly.

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 18:34

i hope so badgersarse...cos thats more what it sounds like to me, i think it would be a huge over reaction to have reported him to the police - what on earth did he do to warrant being reported!
there are way way more sex offenders out there than you can shake a stick at - your probably living on the same street as one truth be told, but if you actually went round reporting every man who adjusts his trousers, or speaks in an odd way, or doesnt "look like a cyclist" then the police would soon be pretty pissed off chasing non jobs instead of doing the stuff they really ought to be doing.

so you were right to extract yourself and your children because you felt uncomfortable. i dont think it would be right to report the man, and would more than likely just send the police on a wild goose chase. unless he is still sat on the canal path with a big label attached that says "peadophile".

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 18:42

Hi vic
waving to mate emoticon
G has grown a fluffbeard in the holidays, so he looks even more suspicious than usual.

dittany · 19/08/2009 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadgersArse · 19/08/2009 18:47

you cant report someone for being nutty
there has to be an offence surely

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 18:50

waves back to mate emoticon!

how about a lets do some common sense emoticon.?

gosh and thats a coincidence - DS has a fluff beard too! not sure whether to let loose with a razor...but he hates it when i offer to do it for him! id like to think that a fluff beard does not equate to being viewed as suspicious but judging from what i read id better lock mine up now (!!)

see i can stick both hats on - mum of aspie and copper - (so i have the handcuffs.)

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 18:51

To her it was scary and pestering.
To him it might just have been an opportunity for a conversation.
And what she saw him possibly do from a safe distance through terrified eyes might have been something as simple as putting his hand in his pocket.
Even the OP isn't sure what she saw, and fear distorts things.
But by all means, go to the police and report this mish-mash of 'What ifs?' I'm sure they've heard it all before and hopefully will have a calmer and more rational response than
'OMG Sex Offender!'

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 18:55

seriously - if he had flashed or exposed himself then yes - dial 999. he didnt do anything and reporting him hours after the event would do diddly squat.

its AIBU to assume this man was a sex offender.

the answer is YES.

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 18:55

Sadly, I've met both sex offenders and paedophiles.
Several fathers, uncles and a mother. Looked perfectly normal, excellent conversationalists.
No one would think they could be perverts who enjoyed the pain and fear and domination of others.
But they did.

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 18:56

goblin - rest assured. they would certainly have a more rational response or im in the wrong job.

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 19:01

goblin - logging onto the dark side...

mummyslittleboy · 19/08/2009 19:11

If he made you feel uncomfortable then you did the right thing by moving away from him but you can't judge him a paedophile because of his behaviour he could of acted like that for any number of reasons and to judge him and even think of reporting him is unfair,If he had done some thing like flash at you then I could understand why you would want to report him but we can't ring the police everytime we get a bad feeling about someone.

dittany · 19/08/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 19/08/2009 19:31

Sounds to me like the guy needed a leak.
I can't say much about the rest. If he gave you the creeps, I don't blame OP for leaving quickly, but he was creepy in several ways: maybe he fancied throwing himself or you in the canal, maybe he was about to start eating rocks, you just don't know.

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 19:32

"kind of fiddling with his crotch"....

well thats it then - he deserves to be locked up and key thrown away.

i am trying to be rational - i am the mother of an aspergers teen and also a police officer. a bit of common sense applied here would go a long long way.

StillSquiffy · 19/08/2009 19:38

With threads like this it sounds like MN has got it spot on linking up with the Dailydrivelwithfacismthrowninandimmigrantsthrownout.

Original poster
blinks · 19/08/2009 19:47

i never called him a paedophile.

i didn't feel he was more interested in my children than me.

i have to be honest, i did feel he was about to flash at me. i've been flashed at a couple of times when i was younger and there was the same kind of furtive excitment. he wasn't physically aggressive at all but stood blocking the path so i could only go one way or up a muddy verge.

his crotch fumbling wasn't at all like a 'hand in a pocket' or doing up his flies. it was more like rubbing or a repetitive movement. had i not looked back and seen this i wouldn't even contemplate contacting the police.

it seems everyone agrees that i was right to get me and the kids away quickly and trust my instinct and i appreciate that. i haven't been in touch with the police today and i'm not naive enough to imagine that they would have immediately dispatched an officer to search the canal path... i simply thought that my information/description might be helpful if he cornered someone who didn't trust their instinct and was flashed at or worse.

pagwatch- in no way was this thread an attempt at labelling all men who have learning/behavioural issues as potential sex offenders. indeed i have two close relatives who have special needs so feel upset at the implication.

i don't think i'm an especially judgemental person and generally trust my instinct but i thought it was important to question myself before getting in touch with the police. i'm still not 100% sure that i shouldn't at least pass on a description.

OP posts:
pickyvic · 19/08/2009 20:06

the problem is your asking opinions from people who were not there. only you can really ascertain whether or not you would be justified in contacting the police because this whole situation can be read in one of two ways.

and your title states that you assume he was a sex offender. same terrible connotations. if you really felt endangered then you should have called the police then and there really. it would be difficult to act so late after the event - if there was an event to act on.

you certainly did the right thing in removing yourself if you felt uneasy, but i just find the question in your title too fuzzy to answer.how on earth can anyone reading your thoughts on a forum say if the man was a threat or not? you clearly felt he was. had he flashed you an officer would have been despatched immediately, but just saying he made you feel uneasy but didnt actually do anything is a bit difficult to act on. if it concerns you why dont you just phone the police non emergency number for some advice?

Satsuma1 · 19/08/2009 20:15

I think you were right to get out of the situation asap, but don't think you can assume he was a sex offender. Like others have already said, there could be any number of reasons for his behaviour.

BUT, I'm a great believer in always following my instincts. Sometimes very subtle body language can give someone away. You may not necessarily recognise it fully at the time, but it gives you an uncomfortable feeling and makes you nervous. That is the time to get the hell out of there! If your suspicions are unfounded, no harm done.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 19/08/2009 20:20

pickyvic talks sense I think.

Not very convinced that they would despatch officer for being flashed at though!

pickyvic · 19/08/2009 20:31

LTOS -things tend to get prioritised by the control centre - so it would pretty much depend on the circumstances. when you get the call its rated as to how urgent a response is required.
hth! x

LovelyTinOfSpam · 19/08/2009 20:36

Oh when it happened to me I went into the police station 5 mins away and told them, but they said they weren't interested as it had happened on the tube. They took my number and said someone from transport police would call me later on.

Was a bit disappointed as they could have nicked him going back on the tube if they'd wanted to.

Cest la vie.

onagar · 19/08/2009 21:35

Dittany, "And then an opportunity to fiddle with his crotch afterwards" "Everbody seems to be ignoring that little bit of pertinent infomration"

Well I'm a man dittany so I'll explain that we touch ourselves all the time. Ask any of the mums here if this is new territory for you. We start at a few months old and never stop. That's why they are mostly ignoring it. Because they all know better than to think it proves anything.