Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume that this man was a sex offender

222 replies

blinks · 19/08/2009 00:49

wondering whether or not i responded fairly to this guy today...

took my two girlies (4 and 1.5) to local canal avec swans/duck etc and on way back along path this man on a bike spotted us and stopped right beside us as we fed the swans. no-one else around

he looks a bit of an unlikely cyclist in the first place and he seems a bit agitated, albeit in a friendly way. VERY keen to strike up a conversation. After 10 seconds or so he got off his bike and stood quite near to us, talking about the swans in an extremely animated manner.

something about him really spooked me. it was a combination of the way he seemed very focussed on us, intent on talking to us, was extremely excited, talking really quickly and i suppose his appearance.

i decided to trust my instinct and get out of there asap, pulling my eldest up a muddy verge to get to the roadside. we crossed the bridge and i glanced down to the canal to see him kind of fiddling with his crotch... nothing exposed but definately fumbling in that area.

i was really shaken up by this but talking to my DH about it i'm wondering did i read this situation fairly? i'm wondering if i should report him to the police but then, what for? he didn't really do anything solidly illegal. verrrrrry creepy though.

OP posts:
muffle · 19/08/2009 10:01

Sorry Goblin I did misunderstand you then, apologies.

pagwatch · 19/08/2009 10:01

Toatl?

Sorry Total. I will join Goblin and keep off these threads. They even make my typing worse ...

TotalChaos · 19/08/2009 10:03

no need to apologise as 1. you agreed with me and 2. you may just have inspired my next name change

tethersend · 19/08/2009 10:03

TotalChaos, yes, you are entitled to do so...

I work with young offenders, many of whom have learning difficulties or other SN. I agree with you wholeheartedly in one sense, in that there needs to be more education of the public at large regarding people with all kinds of SN, as there is a lot of unnecessary fear.

As muffle says, the responsibility to decide whether or not someone's SN caused them to commit a crime or not lies with the court, not the member of the public notifying the police. Some of the kids I work with need to change their behaviour, as it has led them to commit crimes and courts do recognise that this is often due to their SN. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen as often as it should.

The danger of reducing irrational public alarm by saying that all people with SN are harmless is just as bad IMO.
(By the way, I know that's not what you were saying TotalChaos!)

tethersend · 19/08/2009 10:06

pagwatch- completely agree with your point about family friend... well made

onagar · 19/08/2009 10:22

blinks, go to your GP and say "I have the strangest fantasies about complete strangers with no basis whatsover. Can I please see a psychiatrist"

TotalChaos · 19/08/2009 10:33

OK - entitled was a poor choice of word - as I suppose we are all entitled to think whatever we want, however ill founded - but I still feel quite depressed about the logical leap that someone who seems odd because of language impairment/dodgy social skills is a likely sex offender. we are all quite good at identifying people who seem odd - but I feel that TV and crime fiction (wire in the blood/cracker etc) makes people feel qualified to take that logical leap.

Morloth · 19/08/2009 10:43

You did absolutely the right thing in moving away. I have had people set off my "creepometer" before and have extracted myself (and DS).

I wouldn't report him though, there is no law against being a bit odd, riding a bike in quiet places and stopping to talk to people with children, even if you are a bit weird.

So YANBU to have been creeped out and acted, but I think YABU if you call the police. He didn't do anything wrong.

edam · 19/08/2009 10:50

Agree it's sensible to trusts your instincts and leave a situation that is making you uncomfortable. But not to assume that anyone who acts strangely is dangerous or a paedophile. I wouldn't report him to the police.

FWIW in the 70s when I was a small child society was much less aware of paedophilia. I met flashers and my sister had a pervy guy who used to watch her playing tennis (his house was next to the courts and he was what I now think must have been wanking when young girls were playing). Fortunately we were never scared and just brushed it off as a rather odd and unpleasant thing that happened now and again.

Our school playing field was next to a public footpath and dirty old men used to watch us girls playing hockey in our gym skirts... PE mistress just used to say 'ignore them gels and play up'! Many years later I discovered that one of the times the Yorkshire Ripper had been arrested (and let go) he was on that lane.

tethersend · 19/08/2009 10:53

TotalChaos - agreed. Any argument we have is basically semantics.

There is so much misunderstanding about SN, and it is certainly depressing; there just needs to be a balance.

Education is so much better than it was even a generation ago- hardly anybody knew what autism was for example- and I think that as today's generation of children with SN grow into adults, they will face fewer barriers than someone of our age with the same SN does/did. I think that is positive, although still a woefully inadequate amount of education for the general public, it is getting better.

Sexually inappropriate behaviour by people with SN is often the result of a culture of 'denial' about sexuality and SN; the prevalent attitude amongst educators being that they 'shouldn't do it', therefore some people with SN receiving little or no sex education are left to find out for themselves what is an appropriate thing to do with natural urges; mistakes are often made.

Having said that, crimes are also committed. A lack of understanding on the part of the perpetrator does not negate this.

Thankfully, I think this culture is changing. Just slowly.

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 11:00

I would have thought that one report of odd behaviour from an unknown man in a known location could only lead to them doing anything if a) they knew who he was (in which case, he is already on their radar for a reason) or b) something similar happens in the future, in which case they will have grounds to investigate further.

Let's face it - they are not going to launch a manhunt for him as he didn't do anything wrong. So you reporting him will most likely just go on file and only be used if anything else comes up, in which case, that would be a good thing.

Worst case = a description of him goes on file.

Best case = if something similar happens or has already happened, they catch him before it becomes serious.

I would be inclined to mention it, but be very clear that he didn't actually do anything wrong.

seeker · 19/08/2009 11:02

"Worst case = a description of him goes on file."

So a perfectly innocent man's description goes on a police file and you think that's OK?. Extraordinary!

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 11:11

No, that's not what I meant. I meant they won't even know who he is!! It will just be a vague description of a random person! No name or details! It will only mean anything if something else similar happens to back it up. Unless that happens, it will just be 'average height, average build, brown hair... yada yada'. i.e. completely meaningless unless something similar happens and an investigation is then warranted.

If the OP knew his name and address and then reported him, that would be different, because as you say, a possibly innocent man would be on file, but at this stage, actually no-one would be on file because they don't know who he is. The file would only be used if something else happened, and then it would be perfectly reasonable for it to be investigated further, IMO.

Nancy66 · 19/08/2009 11:11

Our instincts are usually right.

I've been a runner for about 18 years and have been flashed at countless times. I'm now pretty expert at spotting the men who are going to expose themselves.

However he didn't do anything - I don't think you can report people to the police for something you think they might do.

seeker · 19/08/2009 11:22

"something else happened,"

But that's the point. NOTHING happened!

skybright · 19/08/2009 11:26

When i read your post my insticts were that he sounded like he was suffering from Bipolar and is manic. I don't know if any of these symptoms sound familiar to the way he was acting.

Diagnostic features
Periods of mania with:

increased energy and activity
elevated mood or irritability
rapid speech
loss of inhibitions, including financial and sexual inhibitions
decreased need for sleep
increased importance of self
delusions, hallucinations, disturbed or illogical thinking.

Especially the first three.

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 11:27

'However he didn't do anything - I don't think you can report people to the police for something you think they might do.'

Not yet, but when it becomes law I've got a name for it.
Thoughtcrime
Thank you George.

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 11:31

seeker - you seem determined to argue with me, but all I'm saying is that reporting it would only actually mean anything if something further happened in the same place involving a person of a similar description and was reported, which is what a number of others have also said. If not, then the description on file would be meaningless.

Anyway, opinions were asked for and I've given mine. I'm not interested in having an arguement about it.

Nancy66 · 19/08/2009 11:41

Goblin - i think Tom Cruise already beat you to it in Minority Report: Pre Crime.

gingernutlover · 19/08/2009 11:53

blinks

do report this incident and give a description to the police.

It could be absolutely nothing and then maybe you have wasted a tiny bit of police time but it could be something useful for them to have on file.

It will do no-one any harm for you to report it at all. You arent reporting him by name or address, just giving a description of his beehvaaiour and appearance and the fact he was on a bike.

Something may well happen next month say and your description could help or jog a policeman's memory.

And, if nothing happens of it then so what!

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 11:53

Orwell coined the term in 1949.
My darling boy will be fine if I can only keep all those manipulative, sex-obsessed bimbos and babes away from him.

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 11:57

'something about him really spooked me. it was a combination of the way he seemed very focussed on us, intent on talking to us, was extremely excited, talking really quickly and i suppose his appearance.'

Really?
You want the police to make a record of this?
What was it about his appearance exactly?
I hope you mention to the police that you've run this through mumsnet, it will enable them to give your information some perspective and background.

Nancy66 · 19/08/2009 11:58

Whoosh...of course, straight over my head that one.

edam · 19/08/2009 12:02

Interesting point from skybright, a friend of ours is bipolar and that does sound rather like he used to be when in a manic phase. He used to scare me, sometimes, and I knew him well - goodness knows how he came across to strangers (not that he would ever have knowingly hurt me, but he had no idea about appropriate behaviour). He lost a lot of friends who just couldn't deal with it. Thankfully he's a lot better now.

tiredOFTHEDMemma · 19/08/2009 12:02

How on earth can anyone make a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder on the very brief information given about his presentation????

Swipe left for the next trending thread