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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume that this man was a sex offender

222 replies

blinks · 19/08/2009 00:49

wondering whether or not i responded fairly to this guy today...

took my two girlies (4 and 1.5) to local canal avec swans/duck etc and on way back along path this man on a bike spotted us and stopped right beside us as we fed the swans. no-one else around

he looks a bit of an unlikely cyclist in the first place and he seems a bit agitated, albeit in a friendly way. VERY keen to strike up a conversation. After 10 seconds or so he got off his bike and stood quite near to us, talking about the swans in an extremely animated manner.

something about him really spooked me. it was a combination of the way he seemed very focussed on us, intent on talking to us, was extremely excited, talking really quickly and i suppose his appearance.

i decided to trust my instinct and get out of there asap, pulling my eldest up a muddy verge to get to the roadside. we crossed the bridge and i glanced down to the canal to see him kind of fiddling with his crotch... nothing exposed but definately fumbling in that area.

i was really shaken up by this but talking to my DH about it i'm wondering did i read this situation fairly? i'm wondering if i should report him to the police but then, what for? he didn't really do anything solidly illegal. verrrrrry creepy though.

OP posts:
edam · 19/08/2009 12:04

No-one's making a formal diagnosis, just suggesting that there it might be one possible reason for his behaviour. Who knows whether he's actually bipolar, but it rings a bell.

scottishmummy · 19/08/2009 12:14

diagnosis is a face to face skill,involving meeting someone and taking a history and account.subjective and objective. observable traits/features etc

not speculating wildly on pc
or listing symptoms

what next learn more diagnostics from diagnosis murder

skybright · 19/08/2009 12:35

Thanks Edam.

No i was not making a diagnosis thanks,think you need a Doctor for that but from his symptoms described if i was triaging over the phone or face to face it would appear that the man was displaying some symptoms.

It was just another point of view ffs.

seeker · 19/08/2009 12:37

Roomfor2 - I'm not just disagreeing with you - I am disagreeing with everybody who thinks being a bit outside the "normal" range of behaviours is something that should be reported to the police.

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 12:38

I've just finished watching 'The X Files' with DS.
Maybe he was an abductee, recently returned.
Would account for the 'unsettling appearance.'
Did you see any bright lights?

muffle · 19/08/2009 12:48

We can't have it both ways can we? Either we have better levels of awareness about things like mental health and ASD, and can calmly assess that someone may have a condition like this that explains their odd behaviour, or we are not allowed to even think of "diagnosing" such things!? No one was handing out a statement, they were just trying to be understanding by recognising some of the signs. I thought that was supposed to be the kind of progress we were all in favour of?

tethersend · 19/08/2009 12:55

seeker- I'm afraid that being outside the 'normal' range of behaviours is a sweeping statement that categorises a whole range of behaviours, from someone smiling at everybody to an active paedophile.

As a society, we have defined norms and values, which, for one reason or another, are the status quo. Some of them are wrong. Some of them will change in 20 years. We all -by and large- live within them. Stepping outside of them could involve completely harmless behaviour such as arm waving and shouting at people; but if you were to do this in a bank or a primary school, it would be threatening, whether you intended it to be or not. The police would be called. Let them ascertain the risk, it's their job, whether or not they manage to do it well

The OP felt threatened and I may have done too in her shoes- the context it was in makes the behaviour threatening. If the man had exhibited this behaviour at, say, a party, nobody would have called the police, or would even think to.

Context is everything- one young person (with ASD) I worked with was reported to the police for cottaging. No charges were brought, but further investigation was prompted; further investigation that revealed that no-one had ever taught this young man the 'etiquette' of using a public toilet, ie, don't stand next to the only other man in there and strike up a conversation about 'what he likes'.

Great at a party, bad at a urinal...

By simply educating him in what to do in such a situation, the whole scenario was never repeated. Thank God the person that reported him took that course of action rather than violence.

Goblinchild · 19/08/2009 12:55

Muffle, I like that idea a lot better than involving the police.
That's one of the reasons I'm very open with Ds's dx, as is he. So that other people can think of another reason for his occasionally odd behaviour, other than drugs (You Know What All Teenagers Are Like) or being a sex offender.

Roomfor2 · 19/08/2009 12:56

Fair enough, seeker. But from the OP, it sounds like a bit more than just outside of normal. Sounds like it really shook her up and she had real cause for concern.

But none of us were there so we can only speculate, from all different angles and perspectives, which will obviously be different depending on our own experiences.

There is clearly a fine line between reporting something innocent and ignoring something potentially important/noteworthy. Who know's where that line is? None of us, really, but I do think it is reasonable to follow our instincts if we do it carefully.

I think saying that means we are all likely to report someone to the police for being slightly left of centre is a bit sweeping and a bit harsh, actually.

tethersend · 19/08/2009 12:58

an urinal? That doesn't sound right either :-s

lovechoc · 19/08/2009 12:58

not everyone has a sense for personal space (which I find makes me uneasy being around those types of people - male or female!) so you were right to get out of the situation pronto. Although it's a bit harsh to think he could be a sex offender just from one instance of meeting him. well done for getting yourself and the DC out of the situation, but honestly I wouldn't read much more into it. However, if you were to meet him again and he acted oddly, you would be wise to about-turn.

mayorquimby · 19/08/2009 13:36

yab completely unreasonable

bubblagirl · 19/08/2009 13:54

i think its sad when a person cannot start friendly conversation without being reported as a paedophile to be honest he sound smore like he may have ASD animated voice and no spacial awareness just as my son has i would be gutted if someone in few years reported him for being a paedophile when he is just being friendly if you felt uncomfortable fair enough but at no point do you make it clear he was a danger to your children so no reporting him would be wrong he sounded more interested in the swans

not many people know how to take mental illness or sn as it makes them uncomfortable ive become more aware to it now because of my ds he didnt sound like a paedophile

tethersend · 19/08/2009 16:56

I think if someone started a 'friendly conversation' with me on a deserted street in the middle of the night, I would make sure I got out of there, fast... If it were in a supermarket, I would not run away, or even feel threatened.

Just because this man may not have understood he was being threatening, it doesn't mean that he wasn't being threatening. On a deserted canal path, striking up a conversation can be threatening.

Please don't think that this reflects on your ds- Obviously I don't know him, but although it may be harder for him to read social situations, this does not automatically mean that people will think he is a paedophile. It sounds like he has strong support from you (and hopefully others) which will help him in monitoring his behaviour... not everyone with ASD has such a good support system- nor does everyone with ASD exhibit behaviour which can be inadvertently threatening to others.

bubblagirl · 19/08/2009 17:02

i honestly do see what you mean and have spoke to few people in isolated places when with ds but was polite and in all honesty didnt pop into my head that they were paedophile in all honesty in my area there does tend to be a lot of people with mental illness as there is a hospital quite close by so i guess i just am used to seeing people for who they are not what they might be

i didnt really i suppose see anything threatening mentioned just his wanting to talk not aimed at children as such well not written not wanting to touch children but to just talk

as i say i do understand but at the same time i guess as much a si have my wits about me if someone isn't trying to get to my child then i don't perceive them as paedophiles unless they act touchy or too into my child i wouldn't have been too concerned

bubblagirl · 19/08/2009 17:06

but we all have different mind sets on what we accept and i guess mine is different i will make polite small talk without worrying as im used to having people with needs in my area i guess im more tolerant and trusting maybe

but if someone started to want to get near my child or know to much about him i would then make my excuses and leave but if it was just shared interest i would talk and then politely if went on bit long make my excuses and leave

Pawsandclaws · 19/08/2009 17:17

Good grief. It's not as though the OP knows the man's name or address is it and will be labelling him a padophile to the police!!

She will just be giving a description of a man behaving a bit oddly for them to have on record.

Secondly, the man may or may not have had learning difficulties, but it is unwise to assume he did and not report his on this basis alone. Who's to say whether he has LD or not. Who's also to say that if he had LD he would automatically be exempt from inappropriate behaviour anyway?

Most men know these days that (sadly) it is inappropriate to stop and dismount at a lonely spot next to a lone mum with small DDs and try to strike up conversation in an agitated manner. It's not the average actions.

YANBU.

tethersend · 19/08/2009 17:25

I don't think the OP mentioned Paedophilia specifically...

bubblagirl · 19/08/2009 17:27

the title says aibu To assume that this man was a sex offender

tethersend · 19/08/2009 17:33

Yes, but that could also mean offences towards women- Sorry, being pedantic... but OP never specifically said paedophilia, even though you're right, it was implied.

dittany · 19/08/2009 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnybodyHomeMcFly · 19/08/2009 17:35

YANBU, your instinct is there for a reason and I would have acted exactly as you did.

Not sure about whether to report it to the cops, as you say he did actually do anything...

pinkmagic1 · 19/08/2009 17:40

Surely If he was a perv, his behaviour would be alot more secretive than this. I doubt he would have blatantly come up you in the way he did. I agree with some of the others that he more than likely had some sort of learning difficulty. I do think Racmacs idea of mentioning it to one of the local community officers is a good idea if you feel concerned though.

dittany · 19/08/2009 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drosophila · 19/08/2009 17:52

He may well be an old pervert but you have no evidence to report him. If I reported everyone I met round here based on odd behaviour I would be constantly be on the blower to the police. You need evidence I think.