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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
Iklboo · 03/08/2009 13:37

Plonker. The place would probably just have opened around 9:30 anyway. Like you say, it sounds like he's trying to blame you for him changing his mind.
He's behaving like a spoiled child.

beanieb · 03/08/2009 13:41

If it were me I'd find any way possible to go myself. Train, Bus, taxi?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:41

Thanks,ds wasn't due to go next door until 10 to 10.30 anyway.
In our row,I have said he's horrible and some other things and I don't know how we can go on holiday now with 4dcs.
It's so stupid I feel really upset and have to take my broken car into the garage but can't as won't be able to get back~dh has gone out.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 03/08/2009 13:44

Oh my goodness and he does this often - thats terrible!!

Mumcentreplus · 03/08/2009 13:46

He's being an arse!..next time he pulls this crap if you have access to local transport even if it kills you take it..looks like he's using the fact that he has transport to control you..and has the cheek to blame you ..

what are the chances he will apologise?

Iklboo · 03/08/2009 13:46

He's gone out? Suspicious. Sounds like he'd arranged to go somewhere and made up the'you've spoiled the day' tantrum to make sure he could go.
Twonk

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:48

Now he says if mine can't be fixed he'll take his car on holiday and I'll stay at home[we are six,mine is a 7 seater so we invited ds'gf but dhs car is a 5 seater[just]].

I can't think straight~I'm supposed to be taking my own car to be mended but we were supposed to go in tandem to the garage as it is overheating and I won't be able to get back,and ds is next door.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 03/08/2009 13:51

Drive up there are take a taxi/bus back..he is really being an ARSE

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:51

He will not apologise[ever]~he says it was obvious I didn't want to go!!!I've talked about nothing else all weekend!

I wouldn't mind if he had just told me he changed his mind,but it's always got to be my fault.
Now I'm starting to cry and I'm supposed to be going to the garage etc

OP posts:
Iklboo · 03/08/2009 13:56

Don't cry! If you're on your own in the house fo into the kitchen and pick a rubbish/cheap/nasty cup or plate.
Go into the garden or yard
Shout FUCK A DUCK!!!!!!!
Throw said plate or cup to the ground as hard as you can
Works for me

Not being flippant. Don't let his childish behaviour upset you. He's a control freak that likes to have his own way. He knows he's upsetting you and he gets a kick out of it (my ex was exactly the same).

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:58

ok thankyou.
I am going to do some work and cleaning for a bit so I don't get too behind .

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:01

Iklboo~thanks
When I got angry with him and called him horrible etc he said"Oh your true colours are showing through now"!!
No,I'm just angry cos he bends the truth all the time!
Also because the way he spoke to me this morning~it wasn't like I'm an equal,and we'd make a plan together,it was like he's in charge and I've not been up to scratch.

OP posts:
Dizzyclarebear · 03/08/2009 14:06

If you're car won't be fixed on time, check the price of hiring a 7 seater for the holiday.

don't let his tantrums win!

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:10

It's looking a bit more serious than the car trip now..the holiday is going to be a disaster,even our marriage after what's been said.
He basically thinks he's more important than everybody else.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:16

Something just struck me.when this sort of thing happens,he doesn''t get at all upset~in fact he's quite happy while I feel upset!
So he'll laugh and play with ds,go out etc~it's as if he likes it!

Of course he's on the moral highground now,cos I have been really angry.

OP posts:
Zalen · 03/08/2009 14:17

Just thinking out loud here but he's offering to take the kids away on holiday and leave you at home alone. Just you, peace and quiet and undisbuted control of the remote control, maybe a large tub of ice cream or two and the chance to lay in til lunch time if you choose.

Doesn't sound all bad to me!

But you're right, he sounds totally unreasonable and I think Iklboo has a point, if he's gone out then it sounds like he just needed to clear his calendar so he could do what he wanted instead.

Mumcentreplus · 03/08/2009 14:33

He's playing games..and you should confront him about how he makes you feel..but not in an arguement because he's obviously very good at turning them around to make you look like the person with problems...perhaps go out for a meal/drink (stops him from acting like an arse) and tell him in detail..try not to get angry (as this will give him an excuse to turn arsey) just explain about his unreasonable behaviour (have examples like today) how it makes you feel and if he would be happy if you treated him this way...if you have not done this already of course.

@ Zalen

puffling · 03/08/2009 14:39

We have situations like this. Dp will always turn it round to me if I try to discuss it. What has sometimes worked is to write him a detailed letter talking thru' the incident and explaining how it made me feel. He hates me writing things down for him, but I do seem to be able to get thru' to him better that way.

Tortington · 03/08/2009 14:40

be strong don't cry - they like the power trip.

tell him
"this is going to happen
a
b
c"

we can talk about this like adults if you prefer

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:46

Zalen~no!This is our last holiday with the eldest probably and quite expensive for atm~we've been looking forward to it for ages I desperately want to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:49

When I got married I had no idea whatsoever I would be treated like a 2nd class citizen~frankly I've had enough of this rubbish

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:50

The holiday thing isn't an offer~he's trying to tell me I can't go when I've booked it all!!

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 14:51

sorry~note to self,that's enough posts

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 15:34

He came home and offered to take my car in while he gets big ds~his best apology I think.

That is kind of him but how can you get along with someone who shuts you out of their reasoning and plays games?

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 03/08/2009 16:49

He knew he was in the wrong laby thats why he did it..so he obviously knows that he's unreasonable..you need to speak to him about it..my DH was like this but he is so much better I told him I love him, i explained how he was making me feel and asked him if it was something he would put up with..marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship..pick your moment though..maybe after the holiday

Ho[pe you have a great time