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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
Katisha · 21/08/2009 20:37

yes by parent-child I mean he acts like the parent by telling you how to behave all the time and doesn't expect to be spoken back to. It's not an equal relationship of adults - or that's how it sounds.

And never saying sorry, but rather justifying his own behaviour by dragging up/inventing some reason why you are worse than him.

It's not healthy is it? Basically all those things that you said in your list earlier in the thread.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 20:43

He never says sorry but I don't know if I think he is the parent to my child.

It is more that he just withdraws from any interaction/responsibility as he pleases,and if something goes well it's due to him and if it goes wrong it's due to me.

He just has a c**p personality.

OP posts:
Katisha · 21/08/2009 20:48

OK I am using the wrong metaphor/analogy then.

But you certainly sound like you have had enough of it all.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 20:51

The reason I was upset was because
1.The feelings I had at the time were due to a problem caused by him~I trusted his judgement it was wrong and he didn't even care.And over the longer term for blaming me for so many things I couldn't trust my own judgement.
2.He didn't help me in any way whatsoever.
3.He has brought this deeply personal thing up as a tool to beat me with.

OP posts:
Katisha · 21/08/2009 21:00

where do you think it goes from here?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 21:24

I think he was nice on holiday.

I think I enjoy being married to him some of the time but feel he has faults and can be too dominant.

If he will listen and change I can live with it,combined with the lessons I have learnt about making all the decisions for the dcs myself.

He has admitted he blames me for everything~something his dad did apparently.

The thing I like least is his disrespect for others when he is threatened or challenged~to me it is totally transparent.Also the way when we get closer he then backs off/changes for a while.

In summary,I can live with him if he takes on board what I say and tries to change some things.But if when we have chatted about it all it still keeps happening I will leave .

The key things are respect,fairness,honesty.

I have told him to stick to the truth and stop playing games~to a large degree he only does what he can get away with and if I am on his case he won't do it~ not what I'd choose but you can't have everything in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 21:32

when I say he blames me for everything I mean setting off late,going to the wrong place on holiday/taking a wrong turning...

There was a funny moment on holiday when he was driving and I said[on a few diff occasions] be careful,he said"don't tell me to be careful..etc etc".Then one day he pulled out in front of someone and I said "Stop"[and prevented a crash] and he said"why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

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GypsyMoth · 21/08/2009 21:36

ugh!! sounds horrible! guess its married life tho...

why are you letting him treat you all like this,why oh why??

tiredoftherain · 21/08/2009 21:38

hi labyrinthine, another weird parallel there then - H and I have had that exact conversation on the motorway recently. I HATE his driving, he's so impatient and will never ever sit behind another car, he has to find a way to overtake. It makes my stomach churn.

It is all very wearing. Sometimes I'd just like to be with someone totally uncomplicated.

Katisha · 21/08/2009 21:38

Ah the lofty position of ALWAYS being in the right and everyone else being WRONG!

It's a hard battle to keep fighting and not to start thinking that actually yes you are useless!

serendippity · 21/08/2009 21:41

He is being an idiot Labrinthine. He sounds like a control freak tbh and seems to get off on changing his mind and blaming you.
He does this often? Seriously he is playing mind games.
on your behalf.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 21:42

well I'm not letting him exactly..I can't change him,he is like this.
I do stand up to him but short of moving out there is nothing I can do apart from talk it through with him.
It is very irritating but I don't think i would let it get me down again,I hope not anyway.

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Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 21:53

Hi tiredoftherain it's just why does everything have to be such a palaver fgs?
I help him,he doesn't need help,I don't help him he needed help and it's all gone wrong lol.

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Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 21:55

thanks for the serendippity .
The things he does and says bolster him at my expense.

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Mumcentreplus · 21/08/2009 21:58

Laby ...

serendippity · 21/08/2009 21:59

I hate to say it, but he sounds rather mentaly abusive.
So sorry to say it sweetie x

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 22:04

thanks mumcentreplus

I don't really think he is abusive exactly or just desperately covering up for his shortcomings so he can stay topdog.He's one of those men who can't let any weakness show~and since his dad was equally intolerant I guess it comes from him.

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tiredoftherain · 21/08/2009 22:06

yep, I hear that laby! I call it a hoo ha here, but palaver works just as well. I do find standing up to him works, as does laughing outright at his petulance, but I often wonder why the hell I need to do it. He'd be the first to chastize me if I behaved like him.

And to make it worse H is board level in a big company and is so well respected there I often want to secretly film him and mail all his colleagues to show them the other side!!

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 22:29

Yes isn't it silly?dh also has a good job.
It is a way of making mistakes,being wrong etc but without admitting it ~that's what it boils down to,he cannot say"Oh sorry,that was my fault,silly me!"that would be impossible for him but would make him much nicer.

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Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 22:43

And the trip cancelling is because he can't be bothered to do any dc orientated trips or shopping so makes up excuses to not go.

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MadameOvary · 22/08/2009 09:47

laby, its clear you love your DH and really want this to work, but you also sound incredibly worn down by all this.
He may have reasons for treating you this way, but having a controlling father, or whatever, is no excuse. We all come with baggage, and we can choose NOT to inflict it on other people!
At the very least he is passive-aggressive. Its just not healthy behaviour. Why should you be made to feel like this when you are clearly doing your best?

mumonthenet · 22/08/2009 11:09

laby, I can understand your frustration.

The way I see it is this;

If you decide to stay in this marriage (or at least try to) you are going to need to become more independent, both financially and emotionally. You need to take some control back. Prepare to toughen up.

Next time he says he's cancelling something, you say well, sorry I'm going anyway. And go.

You might say that's easier said than done, but you will have to prepare for it. It might be slightly out of your "comfort zone" but leaving him will also be outside your cz!

Make sure you always have money for a taxi, your keys on you, a mobile phone. So that if you see an opportunity to stand your ground do it!

At home, if he pulls the cancel the day out trick...make absolutely sure you are in a position to go anyway. Get yourself that car or have bus money, taxi money, area maps, everything. With a man like this it is not enough to tell him you won't be treated like this - you have to show him.

If he's criticizing you in public see if you can engineer things so that you can calmly say - I don't think the way you are talking to me is funny/respectful/fair. Then, if feasible, (and i would urge you to find a situation where it would be feasible!) calmly walk away and get a taxi home.

All this might seem a bit radical, but your only alternative is leaving him imho. With this man it's no good asking for respect - you need to demand it.

Think dignified, proud, and tough. Your kids and anyone else who sees what's going on will be inspired.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 22/08/2009 12:54

mumonthenet you are absolutely spot on.
I began the change you describe after the let down 2 yrs ago and am finding my feet now.
I have had to realise I have to be much stronger to stand my ground and have to work to develop my identity and independence.

I stick up for myself,my dc and other people to redress the balance for my dc.
I also communicate calmly and directly and tell him to do the same~I also say to the dc me and dh are separate people and simply because we are married does not mean we agree with each other over everything,we each have our own points of view and ways of doing things.
I don't know yet if this will be enough,but as you say if it isn't ok then,at least I will be in a position to leave and sort my own life out.

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mumonthenet · 22/08/2009 13:09

you are doing well laby and tis not easy.

Keep us posted.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 22/08/2009 13:23

There is part of me that then thinks~why should I have to battle for my say,couldn't we just be partners and get along?
But he is who he is and I either take steps or leave~but if I leave it will cause lots of trouble and he will have little ds anyway and I won't be there to temper things.

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