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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/08/2009 19:41

Enough is enough by the sound of it!

Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 19:44

Selfless or just used to him putting himself first? So you go along with it rather than have a row. Selfishness in men usually comes from a sense of entitlement.

You sound lovely by the way. You are looking so hard for a reason to excuse him being a bit of a controlling bully - insecurity, trying to keep his distance etc. Things you could help him with, because you want to help him, because you love him. Can I ask you does he feel this way about you? Does he look for ways to excuse your faults? Does he try to help you out and be understanding of you? If not, why not? Why can't you expect the same from him as you give in this relationship.

LyraSilvertongue · 03/08/2009 20:22

Labyrintine, yes, or he tries to. We'll agree to leave the house at, say 10am and if I'm two minutes late getting ready, he starts throwing a strop, saying it's too late to go now and the whole day's ruined. What difference does two minutes make? He's just being controlling. Usually I'll just tell him to stop being so childish, which just makes him worse, but usually we do end up going, with him in a sulk.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 21:08

Lyra ~that is amazing,exactly the same situation!
Sunfleurs I am fairly selfless naturally and not very competitive but I have a strong sense of fairness and I do row with him about things~however it still generally has the same outcome,only with a row into the bargain!I do expect a lot from him~I just don't get it!
The worst thing is it has affected me a bit emotionally~I had a difficult time last year when I was thrown into indecision about what to do about something important~because whatever I do is wrong and my fault,I got overwhelmed and got quite anxious for a time[my fault obviously].

Just a small example,today I'm packing for the holiday ~if I take too many jumpers for ds I will have gone ott with the jumpers/hot stuff and not taken enough cool stuff/shorts,if I take only1~ 2 jumpers it will be my fault when he is cold as in"Where are all ds'jumpers?Is that all you brought,he'll get a cold etc etc".When you have this day in day out it wears you down.

mintyy~good idea

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/08/2009 21:23

It does wear you down and you end up making decisions that are the opposite of what you originally thought and then lo and behold you would have been right in the first place.

If he wants a clone of himself tell him to go and find one but you are not going to spend another 19 years being At Fault. It is incredibly wearing.

Mumcentreplus · 03/08/2009 21:28

Do you think he loves you laby?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 22:14

Katisha ~yes I agree~the worst example was a dc health issue~I felt so guilty at making the wrong decision and not trusting my own judgement I nearly had a nervous breakdown..he meanwhile,felt fine

mumcentreplus~yes but if I left him it would[he would say] obviously be due to some inadequacy of mine and my being intent on ruining everyone's lives.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 22:18

L - so he thinks that he will go on holiday with the kids and your son's girlfriend while you stay at home? So your son's girlfriend goes on a family holiday while you don't?

How old is this girl? What's your husband like around her?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 22:21

lol !!
I think it's more we weren't speaking so one of us can stay home if we can only have 5 in the car~this won't happen though,he was just being mean

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 22:23

phew. glad he's not got any designs there!! My deeply suspicious mind

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 22:27

no but he is at that age where he speaks really nicely to her ~I remember it well myself lol..men ~ so transparent

now I'm being mean obviously

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 22:29

ah. mid life crisis?

Will it be leather trousers and bathing in aftershave next then?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 22:30

Ha Ha ..sports car maybe

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 22:43

well dh has been quiet tonight we're still only half speaking ~all a bit of a downer just when we are going away but typical.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/08/2009 22:46

oh, you know what you do when someone isn't talking to you? Pretend you haven't noticed!! It drives them CRAZY!!

So talk as normal and don't notice that he's not responding! It will really annoy him

Katisha · 03/08/2009 22:54

Probably making sure he retains the upper hand for the holiday and that the ball is in his court for deciding whether or not it can be enjoyed.

GodzillasBumcheek · 03/08/2009 22:56

This reminds me of me...not you, Laby, your DH. Does he realise what he is doing?

I have now got to the stage where I can calm down after a bit of temper and apologise for over-reacting. But it has taken DH actually pointing out that if things don't change we will be splitting up.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 23:04

Godzillas ~I would forgive an outburst of temper though,or irritation ...that could be recognised and lead to an apology.
What dh does is different~he does have a temper but he manipulates the situation to be right,tells lies but won't back down and admit it~because he wants to win/be in control.
If I ask about something from the past,where I was proved right in the end,he inevitably "can't remember that rubbish"!

I could play his game now if I wanted to ~because I know what he's going to say before he says it!
But I don't,because I don't like that behaviour.

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/08/2009 23:08

So what do you think you will do Laby? carry on with the status quo or not?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 23:24

Well I don't care if he's not perfect but I

don't like the way he speaks to me in front of the dcs in a loud voice,on purpose

cannot live with lies/truth bending~that messes with my mind and is wrong

can't live with not being treated as an equal

would LOVE to be one of those people who are best friends with their dh

think I have good qualities but becos he is so intent on putting me down,they are never recognised

don't like setting a bad example to the dcs of marriage

feel he is against me,not with me and there is no reason for it

feel he can't communicate in a straightforward way

know that sometimes,when it really really matters,like serious illness,he is unhelpful

he doesn't apologise to clear the air

After everything I don't really want him as a partner anymore but I'm not sure I can go thru the horrendous mind boggling split it would entail

I want to be on my own but at the same time I don't want to upset the staus quo for the dcs

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 23:28

that is to katisha's question btw

OP posts:
ipiratethief · 03/08/2009 23:32

your dc's are obviously your first priority.

But you should be close to the top too.

Don't live like this.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 23:42

I know!
I suppose a lot of the time I don't see him and I think just carry on but then all of this does spoil things when it happens ~and I can't rely on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 23:48

well I just want to thank everyone for some great advice and taking the time to talk it through with me,you're very kind

xx

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 04/08/2009 00:14

I just wanted to say Laby you are a wonderful lady and he is really missing out by not appreciating you!..if you could explain how you have today to us about how you feel and what you need, to him...maybe it would make a difference..goodluck

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