to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

mumonthenet, you are very wise, that advice is spot on. I'm trying hard to do what you advise, and it's not easy when you're conditioned to feel you're in the wrong most of the time. H does respond to being challenged, it just takes a lot of energy to keep doing it.

I had a couple of counselling sessions which ran very much along similar lines - boost your self confidence and fill your life with things which are good for you, and then it gives you perspective to deal with relationship issues, or helps you gather the courage to leave and go it alone.

I feel H is just missing the empathy chip - he cannot see things from anyone else's point of view, and steers his own course unless I shove him hard enough (metaphorically speaking) to push him on to a different path. I can see similar traits in his father and brother so it does seem to be a family thing which I'm determined to do my best to moderate in the dc's. I don't want them ending up the same way.

tiredoftherain~I'm with you
I don't know about you but when my dh and I were first together I was the more dynamic one~he was quite passive .Now I am taking back more control I find he is being better.

Like last night my ds was really poorly with his asthma and I just got on with it and got it all done~I stayed up all night with him downstairs and took him to the OOH.I don't ask my dh for his opinion,as I am pretty good in that situation...the problems start when I do ask dh for his input.
Oddly,he then is more cooperative anyway[when I am in charge].

But what matters most to me is that I have taken the action I want to take.

'why should i have to battle for my say'

wow, that really spoke to me. What you said, too about the driving, being told not to tell him , then getting the blame for not telling him sooner to avoid an accident.

my ex fil was like this, well he is like this. It's like my mil is on a constant test, and it on edge.

i don't know how you can bear it. Don't you want to be free?

yep, I totally agree - somehow it seems wrong that it is you rather than him who has to take action, make all the effort, to be ready for battle to win what should come naturally - respect empathy partnership.

But it's probably the only alternative - at least it stops you being the victim - it sends positive messages to the dc's - you learn to be angry (not just resentful). If, in the end, he still doesn't understand that he needs to change, then you're in a better position to leave anyway.

Ironically, as you get your self-respect back, you might start to lose your respect for him!

well I have lost my respect for him~ really what I am doing is coming to terms with what has happened and working out where to go from here~whether I stay with changes or leave.
Continuing the status quo with everything brushed under the carpet is not enough anymore.

I am reading 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy bancroft.

It is a much touted book on mn, and i took someones advice about a yr ago, to buy a copy off amazon.

I can't say in all honesty that my ex dh was as controlling or abusive as the book explains. Yet it is very intersting reading , in how it takes the guilt off yourself, in how it is NOT you who is responsible for anothr persons way of thinking and actions.

it can be applied to all relationships.

x

lepirate, I have that book. It is great.

laby, I hear you. Day to day it's not horrific, but the thought of being stuck in this situation in 10 years time and it not getting better makes me feel sick. Sorry, I'm not trying to hijack your thread at all, it's just such a similar situation, it's really helping me get my thoughts clear.

Can you think of many occasions when your H does anything purely to make you happy? I really can't, and that's the worst thing. He does his own thing, and if that's what I want to do, then that's all well and good. If it's not, he does it anyway, and gets impatient with me for daring to suggest he's being unreasonable. He never considers my point of view when making decisions, I think to him I'm someone who's constantly trying to spoil his plans. He rarely listens to my point of view, and if he does he doesn't take it on board. He's stopped wearing his wedding ring, for example, (he's put on weight and claims it's uncomfortable) but he knows how upset that makes me but still leaves it in a drawer. I've found it again today when he's gone off to work away, and it makes me livid.

He accuses me of all manner of ridiculous things - hiding his things if he can't find them within seconds (why on earth would I hide anything, I'm not a child?) I'm permanently slightly on edge around him. But is all this enough to leave a man who is good in many ways, and who the dc's adore? Sometimes I feel really stupid for having got myself into this situation, it happened so gradually and is now becoming unbearable.

keep reading that book tiredoftherain

you're not stupid, he is.

tiredof~I can't think of anything my dh does to specifically try to make me happy~because he doesn't communicate directly very well,which is what I miss the most.
He is good about helping out in various ways and does respond/adjust when I complain[usually on a different day] but making plans together and discussing things for the future is also always a problem.

He finds it hard to be positive to me especially in words~to listen to him you would think he thought very little of me but I know that is not really the case.
He has got used to telling little lies/bending the truth and that is a habit he needs to stop as I don't think it's healthy.

My feeling to you is go with your instincts~don't carry on the same for 10 yrs,communicate directly to him what you want him to do and why~because you will suffer in the end if this negativity and difficult behaviour continues.

I was wondering what the health issue was that he let you down about.

Hi laby, I was wondering the same about your dc! Basically, in a nutshell, one of the dc's has a severe language delay and social interaction issues. Luckily I picked this up fairly early and tried to get help. H has always denied that he sees any problem, told his family I'm fussing over nothing, and has done nothing to support me getting help for ds. We have no diagnosis but fast forward a few years and we're still under paediatric care, with a team of experts around us, so I know my worries were never unfounded.

And yes, H and I have similar communication issues. If I want to let him know I'm unhappy about something, it needs to be clearly spelled out, with me telling him what I want and need from him. And although he doesn't lie directly, there are lots of lies by omission, if that makes sense. He didn't tell me about his large bonus, or pay rise but said I should have noticed on the bank statement for example. We don't seem to make plans either. About a year ago, whenever I mentioned some future event, he would say "if we're still together then".. in ominous tones. I don't think I've felt secure in the relationship since then.

Am not feeling good about things today. H knows and is trying to be attentive but I wonder if it's too little, too late. I think I'm just so scared of doing the wrong thing and being unable to undo it, I need that little push to make me jump.

i would like to add that mumsnet was the one that maade me see i was with a controlling patner, and also had a link to a website about abuse my ex ticked every box.

i am wishing you luck in whatever you decide, hope it gets better for you.

but if you decide to leave i assure you it is the best feeling in the world being FREE.

oh I see,thanks.well done for what you have done for your ds
My dh doesn't lie or deceive me about something concrete like a pay cheque but he often exaggerates things and retells a past event differently from the way I remember it and always then says"You don't remember!"He uses white lies to manipulate me and get his own way~over house moves he has told many lies,one was he had to live within a certain mileage of work so we had to move nearer[it may have been desirable but not mandatory]~but I later found out others didn't do the same!

My dh would not listen to me when I had concerns over my eldest ds when he was little~insisted there was nothing to be done,no help available etc,so consequently I didn't get the help either~with understanding what the problem was[sensory issues I think].
Also my dd fell down a flight of steps and I called him to help hold the baby etc so I could see to her and he thought she was faking it and went into the greenhouse!

However,that is not the issue I mean recently~the one that precipitated the big fall out and loss of faith.

All has been quiet here recently and fairly harmonious but the tension is mounting today as we have a big dinner planned tomorrow which we are hosting for dhs family.
He has raised so many questions/things to do this morning my mind is starting to boggle.
tiredof how's things?

How's it been today laby?

not that good.
lots of questions and demands all day and he got cross about the pie not being out of the oven in time for the other puds.He had said he would help but was in the garden all day.
Just not that good really.

As I was asking what puds everyone wanted he was interrupting with"JUST GET IT OUT" and my sil told him off~there were others but I can't remember them very well like as soon as something was wrong he would ask me about it straight away.."Have you made enough spuds,where are the cups to go with this coffee you've made etc,being rude really.
He was better than usual as that was his best behaviour.

laby, i honestly think the only way to continue is doing what mumonthenet said. stay calm, in control and the adult.

because otherwise you will revert back to what you had where you were naughty child and he the condescending, critical parent.

the other option is kicking him out.

mumonthenet really knows whereof she speaks.

i bet since you've started doing what she suggested there will have been a change?

and people will start to notice how awful and unreasonable he is and he will either have to pull his finger out and change, or deal with the consequences from not only you, but his family and friends too.

oh people know what he is like.I would love to have been a fly on the wall of their car on the way home!

warthog~I don't behave like a child and didn't do so in the past.In fact it is dh who behaves as a child as he constantly blames me for everything from the weather to puddings in the oven to avoid taking responsibility himself.

I have less compunction about speaking out in front of the family now... as I have understood his behaviour better [and gained confidence from this thread]I can set the record straight in a way he can't refute.
As I respect his judgement less and see his confidence now as arrogance,I respect my own judgement and abilities far more than his.

So,progress but it makes me a bit sad and it is a pain to listen to his drivel.

This thread has been very important to me to regain my confidence and see things clearly.

Yes he has changed a bit as I have become more assertive ...but I don't think that will be enough for me in the longer term as he always reverts to type

Laby no-one is accusing you of being childish - when people talk about parent-child in your case (including me earlier in the thread) they mean that DH is behaving in a manner like a critical parent to you, TREATING you like a child and not as an equal adult. It's a fairly standard psychological ananlogy.
Doesn't mean that you are BEING childish - just that he cannot seem to manage to talk to you adult to adult in a way that shows he has respect for you, your opinions or your way of doing things.
For me personally, being put down in front of other people would be the final straw - shows complete lack of respect.

i wasn't saying you behaved like a child - just that he wanted to be in control and control you, hence him the parent and always 'correcting' you. i didn't word that very well...

sounds like you're doing everything right, and perhaps you're coming to the end of the road.

I value and appreciate your comments.

I had been wondering how much I might be "allowing" him to act like this[by being passive] and how much is just him and have come to the conclusion I do not really think I am enabling his behaviour.I do stand up for myself but don't want to have a continuous battle of wills.
Also some posters have said to become more emotionally and financially independent,to toughen up ~again this suggests I am dependent on him and being passive and child~like~to some extent this is true,if unpalatable,but I have fallen into this role accidentally by having a lower income and being SAHM and doing all the chores etc while he earns the money.

So you think that may be part of the problem Laby - that he equates earning the money with being the one who can have valid opinions, and that you not bringing in money therefore means you have less value as a person?

Yes~him being the main earner has given him more power to make unilateral decisions especially ones I am unhappy about like the house moves or buying [or not] items for the house.
Also to generally act as if he is more important than me,cleverer than me etc
Then making jokes about me,acting like a bully etc as well.