to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

[labyrinthine]

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

Yes but your decisions are based around what you think may or may not happen about the house and custody of DCs and so on.

If you see a solicitor then you will KNOW hence you can make more informed decision about it all.

Saying too much to whom?

No, I'm not being mean. Its not my intention to be mean. I'm sorry if you feel I've barged my way on to your thread but I have been here from the get-go, honest.

Of course I realise it can take years sometimes for people to take the necessary steps towards separation. I fully accept all that and agree entirely.

i know i will get custody of the dcs and i know i am entitled to 50% and everything is co owned

i want to leave but i need it to be the right thing,objectively,as in what most women would do in the same situation and to be better on balance for the dcs than being with us together at home

labyrinthine I can understand how you feel and I can understand your reluctance to take that step and leave him. It is a big step and you have put up with so much for so long that I think you have developed a thick skin now, that you don't like it, you know his treatment of you is wrong but you are not sure if it is bad enough to warrant you leaving/divorcing.

All this good behaviour of his at the moment, don't be fooled and don't be sucked in. he is manipulating you. He has lost control and he knows it and right now he is trying desperately to get that back. And it seems to be working as he has you doubting yourself and thinking whether or not you should give him another chance.

You need to stay strong and stay focussed even if you aren't ready to leave yet. You need to detach yourself from him and his behaviour as much as possible, basically you need to mentally start taking a step back in preparation for leaving/divorcing. You need to stop focussing on his behaviour and concentrate on yourself. You are in control at the moment and he knows that and that is how it needs to stay. Do not be taken in by him!!

And you keep posting and asking for help as much as you need to. For every poster that no longer feels they can support you there will be another one along who can. Keep strong

Laby read Reality's OP here

You say you want to leave but you need it to be the right thing to do. Maybe if you looked at what you have to gain by staying that will help.

Can you imagine living happily with this man for the rest of your life?

no no i would only be staying temporarily to spare the youngest ds the trauma of witnessing dh devalue me as much as possible and the hatred that would be out in the open and fury ~at his age now

it's not right,neither is right but i'm stuck between the two options

kat i am going to look at it now

that link is right especially the part about he won't kill himself,take your kids and everybody will believe you

i have detached myself from him and i think,soon,he will get fed up as he has no influence over me anymore

Well, seeing as you asked earlier, if you have the ways and means to leave then I would leave. You can only guess what your H is going to say to your little one about you when you leave, you don't know for sure what will happen so you don't really know that he needs protecting from anything but, you do know for sure what your little one is witnessing while you are living with your H. So, if you really do want to leave then leave!

that doesn't mean i am not going to leave,it means a process is occurring that is part of the separation

i tnink he will be witnessing the same if not worse when i leave because he will stay with dh and dh will be absolutely livid

if dh was abroad or far away it wouldn't be such a problem

Yes, I totally understand that. I do believe you will leave when you feel the time is right for you. Right now you are working your way up to it.

You need to stay strong and stay detached. Totally detached.

Hey Laby...just wanted to say hi and that I have been thinking about you..I know you will do the right thing for yourself and your family

Cross posted.

I think our thoughts of what might happen can be our own worst enemy sometimes. On the plus side your DS would see his mum a lot happier and in control of her own life. I am sure he would soon see who was the more sane person

Just a thought but, do you think that deep down you are worried about making your DH angry by leaving him? Are you scared of the fall out from it? Scared of his reaction to you leaving?

If this is the case then he is still controlling you. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are allowing him to be in control of you by fearing what he will say to your DS about you. Many apologies for how harsh that sounds, I am not judging you at all, just wanted to point it out in case you weren't aware

Or perhaps you want to leave him but, despite everything you feel, you don't want to hurt him by doing so. Especially now he is being 'nice' again and you are less angry with him.

Please don't think I'm being unsupportive or that I don't know how difficult it is to make that final decision that proves a marriage is over.

I'm not sure whether you are genuinely unready to make that decision or whether you need more time to persuade yourself. But what none of us can do is provide definitive advice. I can't tell you to leave your husband, nor can I advise staying with him. However, I can tell you that I wouldn't wish to remain married to a man who treated me as your husband does you. I can also tell you that it is downright unhealthy for your children to witness this doleful excuse for married life. But I think you already know how unreasonable his behaviour is. You just need to believe in the courage of your convictions and act upon them.

Laby just think about your DCs and what you want for them..

I've posted this before on MN but I think you should read this, I will make it brief.

My mum left my dad when I was 7yrs old, she only stayed until then for our sake. I wish she hadn't. I was a child but I wasn't blind, I could feel the tension and saw her crying and heard the rows. He wasn't violent but he treated us badly, I love him and he's a better person now, don't get me wrong I love my dad, but they weren't meant to be together, they didn't bring out the best qualities in each other. I'm glad she left him, I wish she'd done it sooner, I wish she hadn't thought it was best for us if she stayed with him. I'm proud of my mum for everything she has achieved since she left him she is a better person, a better mother and I wish she hadn't had those years of misery, I wish I could have told her when I was a child we would all have been happier if they split up sooner.

So don't think your children would ever blame you for insisting on divorce. They will have seen how you have been treated, they won't fall for this act now. You are their mum and they will want you to be happy just like we want our kids to be happy and your parents want you to be happy because you are their child.

You deserve to be happy. Don't put him first.
Go and see a solicitor asap xxx

dittany i don't know why i felt obliged to marry him simply because we had been together for a couple of years i think i felt i would be letting him down..of course this makes no sense to me now...but when i was going out with him he did not behave like this..he was devoted to me and we got on ok but i never felt as in love with him like i had with other bfs
now of course,dating back about three years,i have no feelings for him whatsoever,he has let me down too much

mumcentreplus

timeforme you are very kind.It is a combination of things holding me back firstly fear of the fallout on the dcs...i don't care what he says to me it makes no difference to me only him being angry and nasty to the dcs about me and thereby causing them some distress...the only thing i can think of is moving away and talking to them as people have said.Secondly some guilt because he is not all bad and it is final when it happens.

lovemygirlsthankyou for telling me your story...i agree...my parents also didn't get along..i never wanted to stay if it was the wrong thing,only to protect the dcs and keep the status quo..when they were younger he was hardly ever home so there was no discord it is mainly the last few years

sorry if i have missed replying to anyone..i am taking it all on board,it is a one way journey i am on and your posts are very important to me so thankyou

Laby, your husband puts you down in front of your children, complains, yells, and generally makes things miserable. That's going to affect your children far more than some temporary bitterness and anger if you split.

If you split, he will move on too. And things will simmer down. If you stay, your children are going to be watching a relationship in which it's normal to yell, let people down, be selfish, and put down your wife. And they'll grow up with that as their role model.

By the way, my mother only went out with my father because she felt sorry for him (they'd been on about three dates when she decided to end it; he was coming over to hers for 'a talk' when he got hit by a car, flew off his motorbike and ended up in hospital for weeks. She felt so guilty she stayed with him) and by the time I was 4 had realised that she couldn't hack it any longer. I'm glad she made that decision; he's not a bad guy, exactly, but he was selfish and childish and there was no love between them. I grew up just having two parents in two places, which was fine. I never had to watch them act with contempt and anger towards each other, which is what would have happened if they'd stayed together.

The older they get, the more permanent those lessons get.

i think to some degree he tricked me..i was initially drawn to him as he kept talking about literature to me and proclaimed himself a pacifist...oddly he has never read a novel since we have been together and is obsessed by war[he is not pro war but not a pacifist]

Laby, why do you think ds will want to stay with his father? Is this the younger ds, because if so, I think a family court would recommend he live with you, if it came to that. Especially when they know about his father's extreme temper and pushing dd. If you think that this will be much worse when you've separated, you need to protect him.

I remember a boyfriend telling me that after his dad moved out, he aged 15 and his brothers aged 17 and 10yo twins all heaved a huge sigh of relief. The tension between their parents had become so great it was affecting them all. I think what might happen when you do separate, is that the dc won't tolerate their dad bad-mouthing you, and will refuse to have contact with him if he does this, so it will be in his best interests to be nice to them. He cannot enforce contact with dc 16 and over.

Where there is no mutual love, respect and trust, there is no marriage left to save imo.

Should you leave him?

Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.

Please try as hard as you can to stop seeing things from his point of view (which I fear he has conditioned you into doing thus far). See them from your's. You hate him for how he has treated you, you want out... if you didn't keep thinking about what he would say/do, how it will affect him etc, you would soon see why we are all getting at you to make a move.

You can do it. You'll be surprised at how strong you can be.