Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 03/08/2009 17:01

Are you sure you want to go on holiday with this man? Will he belittle you and go on about it the whole time in front of the DS girlfriend?

He's bullying you, and if you let it go on, love, you will have no marriage left because you'll resent him so much. And it also gives the message to the DS's that it is OK to bully women.

How about hiring a car, going away with the DC's, and leaving him at home? After all, he might suddenly decide it's too late to go on the day of travel!

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 17:29

Mumcentreplus~I'm glad you worked it out with your dh~thankyou for your advice
I've noticed that when I had a really good job[higher than him lol]I was more "in charge" type of thing~he didn't want to lose me.But now he lords it over me and I dont want to be with someone like that.

girlywhirly~he will make jokes about me in front of ds gf,and he will stress on day of departure and it will be my "fault".Hopefully in front of ds gf he'll be a bit more restrained he won't drive off in a temper etc.When he gets like that there is nothing I can do to stop him/shut him up it's very embarassing.
I have pointed out how it makes me feel to him many times[~we have been married 19 yrs but I didn't realise what he was like for a long time then it was blamed on stress etc]but it has made no real difference~he always reverts to type.

I feel quite sad about this~I had thought things were improving

Why would he want to spoil the day and holiday etc?

OP posts:
Pikelit · 03/08/2009 18:02

Man is an ARSE, I'm afraid and a controlling, bullying arse at that. What do your dc think of his behaviour or does everyone else worship at his throne?

fabnewlife · 03/08/2009 18:19

He is being a petulant child. People like this feed off others misery.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 18:22

Pikelit ~ I don't worship at his throne!

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 18:43

which leads me to ask what do you do when you find you are married to a generally decent man but one with no ability to see things from your point of view and without that generosity of spirit that you took for granted would be there?

OP posts:
Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 18:51

"Something just struck me.when this sort of thing happens,he doesn''t get at all upset~in fact he's quite happy while I feel upset!
So he'll laugh and play with ds,go out etc~it's as if he likes it!"

Well I know exactly how that feels. Its a sickening feeling when the person who is supposed to love you, be loyal to and regularly put your needs in front of their own is made happy by your distress. I have no advice but 19 years is a long time to put up with that sort of hurtful behaviour. Has he always been like this? Who normally ends up getting their own way in this relationship? I got rid of my ex but not before my self esteem took a huge hit, takes a long time to recover from someone you love greatly, making you feel unimportant to them and in fact getting off on your pain.

Katisha · 03/08/2009 18:52

Does this sort of behaviour tend to come in cycles?

Have you tried googling something like "signs of a controlling partner"?

Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 18:56

Agree Katisha but I always seem to be shrieking "controlling" on here so I didn't want to say it. Once you have been involved with a controller though they are very easy to spot.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 19:03

I don't think he is revelling in my pain so much as not really upset by the argument like I am.

He is the one who gets his own way.

We have [recently as I have been sticking up for myself more]had rows over the fact that the house is crammed full of stuff belonging to him~yet I have to clean the house and it drives me potty!
Also he won't get rid of old things so while the attic is full of his childhood things,my school reports turn up in the shed ruined!!

He is very strong on having his own way.Not about everything ,but about a lot of things.

I am unhappy~just don't know if I'm unhappy enough as this is mainly a problem when he is on holidays~the rest of the time I don't see that much of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 19:07

Katisha~yes there is a cycle,it tends to be that we get a bit closer and get on better for a while,then something like this happens out of the blue or he is moody out of the blue so I feel disappointed then.

But as it is not all the time,I haven't divorced him.[yet].

Is it to do with him trying to keep some distance?

OP posts:
LyraSilvertongue · 03/08/2009 19:13

Sadly my DP does this sort of thing all the time.
Last weekend he cancelled a trip to the seaside because the car battery had gone flat overnight, which was my fault, apparently, because I'm responsible for maintaining the car.

Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 19:13

Why would he want to keep distance?

Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 19:15

My ex was very similar to this in that we would be going along great, getting on really well and all off a sudden from nowhere he would go off on one and say and do really hurtful things. I would always say to myself, I will remember this so I don't get blindsided next time but I never did and it kept on happening.

I got to the point where I thought that he just couldn't stand to see me content or happy, he had to spoil it. Apologies if this is not your dh at all, but there do seem to be some similarities.

Katisha · 03/08/2009 19:16

I think it's simply him wanting control and thinking his way is Right. And it makes him feel powerful.

It may also be that you are changing and no longer feel like putting up with it all.

I don't know if you can make him change - I imagine he would pooh pooh any relationship counselling as being tosh and not for the likes of him.

If I were you I would do a bit of reading around the subject - google being as good a place as any to start. What you have said so far doesn't sound like he is a really bad case, so it may be that he just needs a wake-up call that you may call time on the marriage if he doesn't pack it in and start treating you like an equal.

katiestar · 03/08/2009 19:16

Labyrinthe- I am very concerned for you.It is controlling behaviour , he is a bully.I think you have to lay it on the line to him .I couldn't live with someone like this, really I couldn't.It would be shape up or ship out.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 19:22

I don't know why he would want to keep distance~we just never get that real closeness~he always wants to compete/be in charge~something to do with his make up or childhood I guess.

Lyra~sympathies.Has he cancelled many trips?My dh has done this with most trips~or even sometimes not gone into the theme park etc at the gates[only a dc place~not something he has chosen].
Last year we fell out cos he told ds he was taking him to the museum in the am,while at PILs place~dhs dad changed his mind,then dh did and told ds it was too late and so I went alone with ds in the end!On that occasion I had got everything ready and dh was chatting to his dad,then when everything was ready he turned round and said it was too late!!

OP posts:
Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 19:23

The bit where you say he is not as affected by arguments as you. Why not? If he is so bothered by something and has to start a row, then why is he not upset afterwards. Controllers tend to have a big build up of pressure inside themselves that can only be released by giving their significant other some shit and when they have they are as chirpy as anything because the pressure has been released. This sounds very familiar to me.

Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 19:25

Yes, my ex used to do the cancelling of trips or the long face because he was hot, or hungry, or tired, or he couldn't find an ironed tea shirt, lord knows he could come up with any excuse. I always went anyway. Come what may, no matter how difficult the journey I made it happen. A. because I wouldn't see my dc let down because of a selfish adult and B. Who he is he to control the fun in life for his own petty reasons.

Sunfleurs · 03/08/2009 19:25

tea shirt? What am I on about .

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 19:31

Sunfleurs~yes to the bit about the nice phase never lasts~he spoils it.It could be insecurity rather than vindictiveness I don't know.
But today,when I was angry,I asked him not to put his papers in what is supposed to be my desk[lol],as he has a desk ..and he said"I'll just get rid of all of your c**p then shall I?"

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/08/2009 19:34

I think the holiday is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

If you do manage to go then
a. Do not allow him to put you down in front of other people.
b. Do not stand for any cancelled plans because of this "it's too late" rubbish - phone a taxi if need be and do it anyway.

When you come back try to get him to talk and explain that you have had enough of being treated like a child and not an equal partner.

And then I suppose you have to see where it goes from there. But while you may not be able to get him to change, what I have learned the hard way is that you can choose how you let such people affect you. And it may ultimately mean walking away. Or it may mean some sort of change in dynamic, and you refusing to be compliant in this behaviour will certainly change it. Presumably you aren't actually frightened of him but just go along with it for the quiet life??

Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 19:34

sunfleurs~yes selfishness is the bottom line.
Unfortunately whether it is cos I am the youngest with older brothers I am very selfless~a bad combination.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 19:39

Katisha ~ I am not all that meek and mild,but he is much stronger willed.If I stick up for myself in public when he puts me down,he just gets louder and more vehement!

I don't mind putting up with a few flaws but this isn't fair.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 03/08/2009 19:41

I think you should say to him

"Dh, I am fed up with the way things are between us. The incident with my car and getting up this morning is just one of many and I am sick and tired of it. If you are not happy with me then please can you tell me, tell me what it is I do wrong, and I will see if I can change it. But at the same time you need to change the behaviour I am not happy with in you.

Lets give ourselves a year. If we find each other behaving in the way we do not like towards each other in the course of the year then we must make it known rather than brooding or sulking about it. At the end of the year if things are not better between us then I am going to file for divorce because I am not prepared to live like this for the next 30/40/50 years"

And see how he responds?

Swipe left for the next trending thread