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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel dh has been horrid and unreasonable

644 replies

labyrinthine · 03/08/2009 13:32

Today we were supposed to be going to a town an hour or so from here to look at a car.
ds was poorly in the night and felt a bit off when he got up so he came into our bed[dh had already got up]for 5 mins and we were chatting.
Dh burst in saying angrily"It's half past eight you know,it's too late to go now,I guess if you had wanted to go you'd have been up by now~that's fine,it'll save me a lot of money,great."
So we didn't go,having talked about it all weekend and specially[me] arranged to leave ds with his friend next door at 10.30 or so.

I don't understand why he did this as it obviously wasn't too late,it was early.
To me,he changed his mind and instead of saying so,blamed me for it.He was also a bit nasty saying he had done everything while I was in bed~but then why didn't he wake me?

I have no car atm so can't go alone.
Now we've had a huge row and are not speaking.
He like being in control~he often cancels trips on the day when he decides it's "too late".

So fed up now ,disappointed about the car,horrible things have been said and we are supposed to be going away in a few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 10:08

aw thanks mumcentreplus that's really nice

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Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 10:09

He seems a little sheepish today~keeps saying how poorly he feels

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girlywhirly · 04/08/2009 10:44

The sad thing is, even if you separate and/or divorce a man like this, they still continue to be a pain, especially where kids are involved. I was relieved when my divorce was finalised, but I'd no idea how much EXH would still impinge, mainly criticising everything to do with DS. As another poster said, it is exhausting and grinds you down.

But Laby, I think your DH has a real personality disorder, I don't know how on earth you will get him to agree to being seen by someone, but I am worried for your own well-being. It is a mental illness. Controlling and bullying are forms of abuse. Do not let him take all your self confidence and destroy the person you are. Doesn't it get on the kids nerves when he suddenly changes plans/cancels trips at the last minute? How does his temper affect them?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 10:59

girlywhirly ~ yes that is the thing I'm afraid of and why I tend to lie low/carry on.
Since the dc issue last year I do what I want to do and make my own decisions~but he still makes it hard work.

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girlywhirly · 04/08/2009 13:04

I would still have opted for divorced and difficult rather than have to live with EXH as well, cooped up 24/7 on holiday, putting up with his awful temper and constant criticism.

Would he go to marriage counselling? Things are more easily said when there is a third party present, the dialogue cannot degenerate into a row.

tiredoftherain · 04/08/2009 13:53

Oh God, reading your OP I've realised it could be me in another 10 years. Really similar situation, v spooky parallel with a health issue and decisions to make with a dc (which H never participated in but will blame me if things don't work out).

I've recently realised I've had enough of it, but that's been triggered by a trust issue. I'm fed up of feeling constantly in the wrong, feeling my insides churn when he's around as I just don't know what's going to set him off and I don't think anyone could live up to his ridiculous expectations. I've started to doubt my own sanity and judgement, where deep down I know it's him who's undermining my confidence.

I've considered Relate, but apparently it isn't always good for emotionally abusive relationships (and this is unfortunately what this sounds like) as the abuser is often able to twist situations to their advantage. Could you go for some counselling alone? I've found it useful. It was the expression of horror on my counsellor's face (and tears in her eyes) which made me realise how bad my situation was. There has never been violence, but the emotional effect is just as bruising.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 16:33

tiredoftherain~coincidence[or not] about the issue of trust and dc health issue~I felt very let down by my dh and it has changed my attitude towards him.

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Mezley · 04/08/2009 16:56

Oh Laby you are in a pickle. You need to ask a lot of questions I think.
Do I deserve this man in my life?
Do my children?
What would I gain if we separate?
Would would I lose if we stay together?

You are not unreasonable to expect respect and equality. Home is where we should feel safe and protected. Do you feel emotionally safe?

You clearly have insight into the problems you are experiencing and recognise that your self-worth and self-respect is being attacked. From your posts I feel you are really strong and could withstand staying and trying to resolve with some outside help, but is your partner? He doesn't seem to recognise his issues, or the effect it has on you or the dcs.

Stay the beautiful person you are, but recognise the need for things to change for long term sanity. Good luck

Mumcentreplus · 04/08/2009 17:01

Laby have you told him this?..what was his reaction?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 19:02

mezley called me a beautiful person~I'm really touched

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Katisha · 04/08/2009 19:05

You know that list you wrote further down? Could you show it to him maybe?

Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 19:07

katisha ~ yes I could write it out

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Katisha · 04/08/2009 19:10

I think you have phrased it non-accusingly and rationally. And sadly.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 19:12

I would like to say I don't think dh is vindictive or intentionally abusive/nasty as such,more competitive,insecure and has difficulties with communication.

oh and stubborn and self centred but he is better if you point it out to him,he does tend to make adjustments then.

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Original poster
labyrinthine · 04/08/2009 19:14

kat~yes,there is a chance for change from that list.I think he would be happier too but don't know if he can do it.

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Mumcentreplus · 04/08/2009 19:23

Well you have to give it a try laby..I think your relationship is worth it..and he might surprise you..

Original poster
labyrinthine · 05/08/2009 00:17

I will try to speak to him on holiday~but will he listen??
Have not posted tonight as a friend was upset and was on the phone!!
Thanks again and keep things crossed for me on holiday.

I have set myself a challenge for this holiday actually~to be the best mum I can to my dd who has been struggling lately~I want her to really enjoy this holiday and hopefully it will give her a bit of a boost!
xx

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Original poster
labyrinthine · 05/08/2009 09:02

I was up first today at 7am so I said to him[smiling though]
"It's 10 past eight,bit late to go now,if you had wanted to go that much you'd have been up and ready"!!

lol

off to France so lets hope it goes well

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Mumcentreplus · 05/08/2009 09:15

ya evil..have a great time

Katisha · 05/08/2009 10:44

HAve a good time - let us know how things go.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 15:08

well the holiday went well so that was good.
But back at home is reality I suppose.

Last night our dd was arguing and being rude over lifts;when she wasn't there I asked dh about her saying to me I'd been ott when I was feeling mildly depressed/anxious 1~2 yrs ago [over an issue I felt dh had terribly let me down about].He said no that is nothing to do with it.I then said,even when I was like that I was probably only as snappy as he is normally anyway.

Then he didn't like that and said"I'm not snappy at all!"."You were more than a bit snappy,you were nuts!,behaving oddly,paranoid!!"

I said,that is not true I was low and anxious,snappy when I would usually be calm but otherwise fine.

I was most he said that and when I said did he really mean it he ignored me from then on.

I feel very and he said that and it is not true but I felt guilty wondering how bad tempered I had been[and had it affected dd] and just awful that he said it.It is definitely not true and as I said to him,surely if I were that bad as opposed to just distressed/down,he would have taken me to the GP{Iwent to the GP alone and had some counselling but no A/Ds.He said"I'm not taking you to the GP!"

Felt very very put down and confused.

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MadameOvary · 21/08/2009 15:27

laby, I found this helpful when trying to work out if my ex was controlling.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 17:29

Thanks

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Katisha · 21/08/2009 17:41

Was he generally OK on holiday?

And now you are back is he back to the control freakery and comment-making?

I think the incident you described just now is a bit confusing and maybe not the best thing to go on - too many unknowns in terms of who thought what about everyone's bahaviour. And it's in the past now and shouldn't be used as a stick to beat you with - and while the past does shape our present I feel it's the present you need to concentrate on now - and to establish the sort of adult and sharing relationship you want, as opposed to the parent-child thing you are currently getting.

Original poster
labyrinthine · 21/08/2009 20:32

Sorry it is confusing because I didn't relate the whole exchange properly.

The night before ,as he was about to give dd a lift she was getting impatient and was a bit rude~he walked upstairs and wouldn't speak to her.Then,as she kept asking about the lift he shouted get out of here if you are speaking like that.

Last night I was trying to tell him he should have just told her off/got her to apologise and if he wasn't going to give her the lift to say so.

Then he was cross,and said the thing I said.

I don't have any history of mental illness but I had this few months of feeling very down when dh let one of the dc down.
It is typical of him to have no responsibility for any of the relationships in the family or anything he has said or done.

Sorry katisha I don't understand your post~do you mean I am the child in the relationship?

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