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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist DP gives up alcohol etc. when I am pregnant

201 replies

Chrysanthemum5 · 22/07/2009 15:39

Posting on behalf of a colleague as we've been having a big debate on this. Colleague (we'll call her A) and her DP (called E) have been together for a long time, and are hoping to start ttc soon. They have agreed that if / when she gets pregnant A will follow the guidelines e.g. give up alocohol, certain foods etc. Plus she will also cut back on her exercise regime. However, A thinks that to be fair E should also give up these things, including his sports.

So, is A being unreasonable in thinking E should give these things up to support her? Her view is that the baby is part of both of them so they should both follow the guidelines.

From my point of view, DH didn't give up alcohol etc. when I was pregnant, but I didn't really care because I felt he didn't get the good parts of being pregnant so why should he only get the bad bits.

Thoughts? We've had a fairly heated discussion about it so I said I'd post here to get opinions!

Donna

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 14:41

Exactly Edam, the only thing that had been mentioned prior to Skidoodles post was that E was part of a discussion with A where they jointly decided that she wouldn't drink whilst pg. As long as he did not tell her what to do then I fail to see where there is any need for hysterical response.

I agree, if a man is telling a woman what to do simply because she is pg then that is a very different conversation and he should have it explained to him how things work (just like a woman telling a man what to do simply because she is pg is out of order)

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 14:51

"They have agreed that if / when she gets pregnant A will follow the guidelines e.g. give up alocohol, certain foods etc. Plus she will also cut back on her exercise regime. However, A thinks that to be fair E should also give up these things, including his sports."

Actually all we knew was that E said they had agreed. Not how that agreement had come about.

Just because he says they have agreed doesn't mean the agreement came about mutually as part of an adult conversation. It could mean anything from he decided for her, to they flipped a coin.

msled · 24/07/2009 14:54

They both sounds wierd and controlling

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/07/2009 14:55

A sounds anal insane to think want E to give up all he enjoys just as A cant indulge

by all means E shouldnt get plastered every night but dont see the harm in E drinking/having brie etc

and why on earth should E give up his sports stuff - surely being fit and healthy is good for a parent?

lal123 · 24/07/2009 14:56

the idea of coming to a joint decision over what I do or don't do when I'm pregnant is totally ridiculous. "We've decided I won't drink.."?????????????????? No, sorry "I'VE decided I won't drink"

Of course my dp will have a view - but thats all it is. He's entitled to express his view - but the decision over what I eat/drink/smoke etc is mine and mine alone. If he doesn't like that decision then we'd need to discuss it further. In the same way if he made decisions about his behaviour that I didn't agree with then we'd discuss it further

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 14:56

Yes, msled, that's what I think.

KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 15:04

TBH I think you are arguing over semantics, if your dp has expressed a view then he has been part of the conversation and so part of the decision yes?

Someone being part of the discussion that led to the decision does not mean you all have to have agreed with each other or anything else, just that a conversation happened and views were exchanged.

Very strange TBH.

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 15:12

"if your dp has expressed a view then he has been part of the conversation and so part of the decision yes?"

Well certainly the government would like us to accept that definition of being part of a decision.

"Yes, you get to SAY what you think, but we will still make the decision and are under absolutely no obligation whatsoever to actually LISTEN to you or take what you say remotely seriously."

I don't call that a joint decision.

KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 15:16

Ooookayyyy.... interesting.

lal123 · 24/07/2009 15:18

but why should it even be a joint decision???

skidoodle · 24/07/2009 15:23

Interesting that I think government consultations are nothing more than PR exercises?

I'm surprised there's anyone in the UK who thinks otherwise (if they think anything at all).

Or are you just generally patronising me?

KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 15:23

I didn't say it should be a joint decision, I simply said it is ok if it is a joint decision. Some people like to do things like that. I understand that others don't (I am one of them) but I cannot see why on earth it is such a problem if some people want to make these choices together!

ingles2 · 24/07/2009 15:25

OMG I've had this with a friend!
friend (K) was about 18 weeks pregnant and came over for dinner with her dh. After the initial lovely to see you etc, dh hands her dh(S) a glass of wine.
S can't have that, says K,
why? says dh is he on antib's?
no, because I'm pregnant...
cue dh and I looking very amused/bewildered and S looking very sheepish.
That's a shame says I, it's only a glass or 2 on a night out.
It's not fair, says K... he can't have it.
Dh says, well do you mind if I have a glass?
I'd rather you didn't... she said
We then had the most bloody awful miserable, stilted dinner ever, as K was in a mood and S was in a mood,
Cue me being seriously pissed off, as I'd spent the entire day cooking!

spokette · 24/07/2009 15:27

A is control freak and I pity the DH and baby.

KingCanuteIAm · 24/07/2009 15:27

You can say something like "I'm surprised there's anyone in the UK who thinks otherwise (if they think anything at all)." and then have the nerve to accuse me of being patronising or is it ok because you are patronsing groups of people rather than just one at a time?

Like I said, you seem to have some control issues and some anger issues, that is fine but please don't try to make it sounds like I am supporting the degredation of women when I have simply said it is ok for couples to discuss things and come to joint decisions.

MiniMarmite · 24/07/2009 19:32

It's his baby too lal123.

edam · 25/07/2009 12:04

But it's her body, MiniMarmite. So it's her decision how she behaves.

Once the baby is born and has a (sort of) independent existence, the father gets a joint say in decisions. Except in areas to do with the woman's body such as b/f.

KingCanuteIAm · 25/07/2009 14:41

So if she wants to mainline heroin he is unreasonable to object to the harm it is doing their child?

Where do you draw the line? If you think it is once they are born, what happens if they are prem? Or is it once they are "viable" (24 wks I think)? Or is it to do with when the baby has legal rights (34 weeks I think)? Is it once they are no longer being BF (eg 6 months)?

Or is it about the thing they are doing, can a father object if it is severe but not if something that could be deemed debatable (eg 1 glass of wine) if so who decides what is debatable and what is not? Who decides if the potential harm is serious enough?

edam · 25/07/2009 16:37

Don't be daft, of course he'd have every right to be distraught. But it would still be her body to control as she sees fit. People make bloody awful choices sometimes, doesn't mean anyone else has the right to control them.

A baby only has rights of its own once it is born. Same as the abortion debate. Prematurity doesn't come into it - it's the difference between a foetus, that exists within a woman's body, and a baby.

And btw, you are mistaken about foetuses having any separate legal existence at any age. Actual babies have the rights of a human being, foetuses don't. That is right and proper because unborn babies only survive in their mother's body. They cannot have a separate existence and do not have a separate legal existence.

KingCanuteIAm · 25/07/2009 16:44

Edam, you could be right, I thought that it changed when they stopped being an embryo rather than a foetus but I am clearly muddled (hence all the I thnks!)

Prem was actually supposed to be a point about when are rights relinquished - couldn't the mother say it is still down to her as the baby should, technically, still be part of her? (far fetched but I have heard more stupid arguments used!)

However, you kind of seem to be agreeing with what I am saying, a father cannot dictate or order a woman simply because she is pg (as I have said above).

However, my point, the original couple here had a discussion and decided something togethr, I simply said that having a discussion and deciding together is perfectly reasonable if that is what you want to do!

edam · 25/07/2009 16:49

oh, I see!

Yup, I said pretty much the same about it possibly being fine, if it was just a normal conversation between a couple who are OK. Can't remember if dh and I discussed dietary advice when I was expecting ds - I probably just moaned a lot about cheese and the lack of poached eggs. Oh, and I burst into tears once because he cooked a supper that I thought was insufficiently nutritious.

Mumcentreplus · 25/07/2009 16:58

what are we arguing about exactly?..

MiniMarmite · 25/07/2009 22:17

Edam, I agree with KingCanute - perfectly reasonable to have a discussion and make an agreement. Not for a man to dictate to a woman.

When I said "his baby too" I am assuming that it is an equal and loving relationship where a couple have decided to have a baby together (because that was how it generally sounded in the OP).

Sounds like you agree with that too .

edam · 25/07/2009 23:42

Yes-ish but I can't stand that 'we're pregnant' stuff. No, SHE'S pregnant, you just produced some sperm and got it in the right orifice. Well done you, but the star prize goes to the one who gets to squeeze a whole human being out of their body...

MiniMarmite · 26/07/2009 11:14
Grin